This fragile mayfly of an apple is so easily bruised and spoiled that its purchase should be considered a tax-deductible donation to charity. Gallantly suffering through a miserable four weeks of tortured existence, the Silken Apple is the closest a fruit can come to being diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Only in the sanctuary of Canada’s socialized healthcare system could this delicate, albino make-a-wish apple survive long enough for its already festering innards to reach our tables. Barely mustering a mild sweetness that could coax a forced smile from the heedlessly sympathetic, the slogan for this pitiable tragedy-fruit should be: “Why go on?”

FUN FACT: This apple is named after Canadian Olympic rower Silken Laumann – which I can only assume was meant as a sarcastic insult to an athlete who was famously resilient in her storied career.