braeburn

Koru (Plumac) Apple Review

"The Middle of the Pack"

55
Barely Worth It
Koru (Plumac) Apple

The Koru Apple (brand name of the Plumac Apple) is the definition of middling. Peacefully existing at the precise midpoint of the apple-quality spectrum, this New Zealand born chance seedling is the superior apple’s ambassador to shit. Discovered in a grower’s rose garden in the exact spot where his mother-in-law tossed a batch of rotten apples, the Koru’s origin is symbolic of its quality: one part rose, one part rotted trash. In an ironic twist, the slogan of the Koru is “Escape Ordinary” which should be read less like a superlative and more like this passable fruit’s aspirational desire.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
KORU APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Fuji

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2013

AVAILABILITY

Late Spring – Summer

BEST USES

Baking, Salads, Sparkling Juice

OTHER NAMES

Plumac

Sweetie Apple Review

"A Watery Grave"

51
Not Worth Eating
Sweetie Apples

This oblong, Salvador Dali-esque, warp-fruit generously tilts its way off your table in what can only be described as a philanthropic suicide attempt. Its obvious cry for help is understandable as no apple could continually bare to live with crunch after crunch of disappointment as an initial juicy flavor burst full of potential quickly dissipates into a very watery grave. Failing to live up to its sugary namesake, failing to live up to its Braeburn x Royal Gala heritage, failing to live up to even its initial bite, the Sweetie would be better served if it were much worse – at least then it would be worth discussing.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
SWEETIE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

Juici (Juic!) Apple Review

"A Pandering Litigious Gigolo"

65
Mediocre
Juici Apple

The Juic! Apple (pronounced “Juicy” and not “Jwik!” as the spelling would imply) is a controversial, social media influencer backed, try-hard whose positive qualities are mired by an absolute shit personality. Bred in idyllic Wenatchee, Washington with powerhouse parents Honeycrisp and Braeburn, this apple is thin-skinned, long-lasting, has a great crunch, and above all is incredibly juicy (or Juic! as some spell it).

But don’t be fooled by the failed Olympics logo that brands the Juic! DeliteTM – none of the aforementioned superlatives can compensate for a blasé flavor profile that lacks any discernible character. Worst of all, this litigious gigolo sued small-town apple growers in New England for trying to rebrand their Jonagold Apple to the JuicyGold. No one in Appleandia should own the word “Juicy”. The lawsuits, the social media influencer outreach, and the name with an ! at the end all scream of corporate execs pandering to younger generations and falling on their face with an audible Jwik!

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
JUICI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Braeburn

ORIGIN

Wenatchee, Washington

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Juicing

OTHER NAMES

Juici Delite TM