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Sundowner (Cripps Red) Review

"Pink Lady's Ugly Brother"

67
Mediocre
Cripps Red Apple

The ugly brother of the Pink Lady, the Sundowner apple also known as Cripps Red, lacks the panache of its more popular sister but works with what its got to carve out an amicable reputation when not lost in the shadow of its superior sibling. Tart off the tree and sweeter as time goes on, the Sundowner fecklessly swats at a relevance it will never obtain as it attempts to discern an identity apart from “Pink Lady’s brother”. Alas, the writing is on the wall for this genetic lottery loser as it will never overcome its less-than-stellar appearance and upsettingly stupid name to be seen for the complex array of untapped potential it wishes it was.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3.5/5
SUNDOWNER BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Lady Williams

ORIGIN

Western Australia

YEAR

1973

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Cripps Red, Cripps II, Joya

Eat These Apples Instead
Sundowner Is Better Than
More on Sundowner
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Opal Apple Review

"A Tasty Unwiped Anus"

82
Excellent
Opal Apple

🏅 #1 RANKED YELLOW APPLE

The Opal apple looks like it shit itself. I apologize for being uncouth but there is no more apt observation. Just look at the top of it. The Opal apple looks like a jaundiced, freckled, unwiped anus. In fact, this may be the ugliest apple of the modern era. That being said, if you’re going to be an ass, you might as well be a good ass. And like a good ass, the Opal apple is exceptionally sweet and juicy. In fact, the complex flavor profile featuring hints of banana, coconut, and pear make this Czech-born, oddly-named monstrosity a delight to consume. And while the outside may be stained with a toddler’s accident, in an ironic twist, the interior of the apple does not brown for quite some time. So I say, if you’re looking to spice up your life with something a little different, close your eyes and eat ass. Who am I to judge?

BONUS POINTS: +2 Taste

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3.5/5
OPAL APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Topaz

ORIGIN

Czech Republic

YEAR

2010

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Summer

BEST USES

Salads, Munching

Similar to Opal
Opal Apples Are Better Than
More on Opal Apples
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Jazz Apple Review

"A Disharmony of Flavor Notes"

65
Mediocre
Jazz Apple

This dense, oblong, rock munch contains a dizzying array of flavors reminiscent of a pretentious jazz solo you pretend to enjoy. Not quite sweet, not quite tart, and a bit of pear thrown in for good measure – this marketing darling will keep you off-balance with a confusion of flavors that fail to harmonize effectively. Like Jazz itself, biting into this apple will spawn moments of joy and moments of boredom leaving bewildered chewers asking the question: did I really just pay for that? Not a terrible apple, but its the flavor notes I’m not tasting that bar it from a recommendation.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5
JAZZ APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Gala

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2000

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Baking, Cooking

OTHER NAMES

The Lawyer’s Apple

Eat These Apples Instead
Jazz Apples Are Better Than
More on Jazz Apples
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King David Apple Review

"The Tart of Arkansas"

72
Pretty Good
King David Apple

🏅 #3 RANKED SOUR APPLE

A tart heirloom discovered by the legendary Stark Brothers in the Ozarks in 1893, this tomato-shaped, mahogany-skinned, assemblage of complex flavors will grab your attention just long enough for you to realize the King is dead. In fact, even the Stark Brothers carelessly discarded the King David Apple once its tenuous grasp on the throne was usurped by the upstart Red Delicious (which won their company’s apple contest the very next year and was quickly trademarked). While King David still rules over a smattering of tiny fiefdoms across America, its empire is a pitiful echo of a reign that never was. If tartness is the rule of the day, look to the Kanzi for a more steadfast leader.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

TARTNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 4/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 4/5
KING DAVID BIO

PARENTAGE

Jonathan x Arkansas Black

ORIGIN

Arkansas

YEAR

1893

AVAILABILITY

Mid-Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Cider, Sour Apple

Eat These Apples Instead
King David Is Better Than
More on King David
–

SugarBee Apple Review

"The Honey Grenade"

80
Excellent
SugarBee Apple

🏅 #10 RANKED CIDER APPLE

The SugarBee, created in Minnesota by a bee’s chance cross-pollination of a Honeycrisp blossom and an unknown apple variety is a handsome skee-ball of an apple substantial enough to kill a man in close combat. When held, one can’t help but feel the reverberations of its awesome power, understanding that if man had harnessed such a densely packed sugar bomb in the state of nature he would reign supreme for generations. Thankfully, in today’s world, the natural urge to kill using this apple can easily be avoided and replaced with the joy of an exceptionally juicy bite, satisfying crunch, and a robustly rich honey-like taste.

Aside from the fact that this apple really does taste like honey, the most remarkable aspect of the SugarBee Apple is its horrifying, murder-doll-esque bee mascot. Be sure to watch the video below for a glimpse of this nightmarish CGI bee (with a little boy’s haircut for some reason) that is moments away from flying through your screen and eating your soul.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Juiciness, +1 Cider Apple

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5
SUGARBEE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Unknown

ORIGIN

Minnesota / Washington State

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Cider

Similar to SugarBee
SugarBee Is Better Than
More on SugarBee
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Cosmic Crisp Apple Review

"The Most Overhyped Apple of All Time"

74
Pretty Good
Cosmic Crisp Apple

The Cosmic Crisp Apple is not a bad apple. And for an ordinary apple, such a tepid review would be perfectly acceptable. However, the Cosmic Crisp is no ordinary apple. Nay, it may be the most extraordinary apple our capitalist society has ever manufactured. And the word “manufactured” is all but too accurate as the Cosmic Crisp has been in development for decades. It has been taste-tested, focus-grouped, and cross-bred to become a marketable fruit darling akin to a teenage pop star singing songs written by a computer. And just like those grating songs you can’t get out of your head, the scales have been tipped in favor of the Cosmic Crisp via a hype machine boasting a $10 million initial investment.

The result? A beautiful-looking apple worthy of a Wes Anderson prop that could not live up to the lofty expectations set before it. With an above-average crunch, but below-average sweetness, this apple screams mediocrity. And as for that drop-dead gorgeous exterior? The debt is paid for such beauty with a thicker than expected skin that lingers like the disappointment of apple fans everywhere.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Beauty

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5
COSMIC CRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Enterprise x Honeycrisp

ORIGIN

Wenatchee, Washington – USA

YEAR

2019

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

Eat These Apples Instead
Cosmic Crisp Is Better Than
More on Cosmic Crisp
–

Cripps Pink Apple Review

"The Understudy of the Pink Lady"

42
Horse Food
Cripps Pink Apple

Let me be clear: Cripps Pink and Pink Lady Apples are not the same apple. Yes, it is true that Cripps Pink and Pink Lady Apples are the same genetic variety. Certain enterprising breeders may even have the audacity to claim that there is no difference between the two varieties other than a fancy trademark. But do not be fooled! Cripps Pink apples are inferior to the Pink Lady. They are the practice squad, the understudies, the B-Team – a sad, hopeless crop of dashed dreams performing a depressing charade like a group of retirees with a local theater group.

You must earn the title of Pink Lady. And the Cripps Pink apples you see in the store, after being evaluated for sugar content, firmness, color, and blemishes did not make the cut. That’s not to say a few stray Cripps Pinks might not offer a passing note of satisfaction here and there. But if you’re looking for consistency, strong flavor, and a beautiful pink exterior – pay the Cripps Pink no heed.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1.5/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5
CRIPPS PINK BIO

PARENTAGE

Lady Williams x Golden Delicious

ORIGIN

Western Australia

YEAR

1973

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

Eat These Apples Instead
Cripps Pink Is Better Than
More on Cripps Pink
–