honey

It is difficult to move past the embarrassment of a name like Hunnyz. An auto-correct text that could end a relationship, the branding of this apple takes center-stage with its bastardization of the word “honey” utilizing not just an early aughts “z” but a Pooh Bear backwards “n” to boot. To make matters worse, this apple does not taste like honey in the slightest. In fact, it somewhat tastes like nothing. A sack of wet air with the occasional fruity spritz. Boasting a Honeycrisp and Crimson Crisp heritage, the saving grace of this apple is a superior crispness and snappy white flesh that may even surpass its parents in quality. Unfortunately, with a humiliating name like Hunnyz, this apple can only be scarfed down in a dark closet to avoid rightful ridicule and thus should be consumed only by the most self-confident eaters.

UPDATE 2022: I’ve tried the new crop with an open mind based on reader’s comments and, I have to say, the commenters are wrong. This apple is exactly what I remember it being: Barely Worth It. Yes, it is snappy and crunchy and juicy, but it tastes like a sack of wet air with an occasional hint of bathroom cleaner mixed in. -2 Taste, -1 Crispness, +1 Skin, -1 Flesh, +2 Juiciness, Density -1, Beauty +3, Branding -1, Cost +1. TOTAL SCORE: 61 – > 60 (Barely Worth It).