honey

Pazazz Apple Review

"The Desperate Musical Theater Major"

60
Barely Worth It
Pazazz Apple


A hefty prize horse created by honeybees in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, the Pazazz Apple will elbow its way into your mouth like a musical theater major looking for acceptance and leave behind a mild taste as memorable as said student’s inevitably disappointing career. Each bite of the Pazazz is a masterclass in stage hand-combat (particularly if you pick up the larger non-bagged varieties) forcing you to contend with a formidable construction and razor-sharp skin that will end your singing career early. All in all, the Pazazz Apple is “a lot”. However, if you can move past the cries of desperation that surround it, you will find exceptional juiciness and a good crisp bite that may be worth, at the very least, an audition with your tastebuds.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
PAZAZZ APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Unknown

ORIGIN

Eau Claire, Wisconsin

YEAR

2016

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

OTHER NAMES

The Jolly Rancher Apple

Ambrosia Apple Review

"The Chosen Apple"

76
Very Good
Ambrosia Apple

Ambrosia is the food of the Gods, and while this reclaimed Canadian splotch-ball fails to ascend to the vaunted halls of immortality, it is still a very good apple fit for consumption by us mere mortals. Plucked from Canadian obscurity by The McDougall Family of Wenatchee, WA this honey-sweet, juicy and crisp, straightforward-tasting apple was given the divine nudge to become an affordable, year-round chosen fruit. And while it has parted the sea of lesser apples to emerge as a popular staple, it’s lack of flavor complexity and inconsistency on the shelf makes it fall short of the similar God-like Honeycrisp. So while not a false idol, it’s hard to put all of one’s faith in an apple so imperfect.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
AMBROSIA APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Jonagold x Golden Delicious

ORIGIN

British Columbia, Canada

(now Wenatchee, WA)

YEAR

1990s

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Ambrosia Gold

Hunnyz Apple Review

"The Worst Named Apple"

60
Barely Worth It
Hunnyz Apples

It is difficult to move past the embarrassment of a name like Hunnyz. An auto-correct text that could end a relationship, the branding of this apple takes center-stage with its bastardization of the word “honey” utilizing not just an early aughts “z” but a Pooh Bear backwards “n” to boot. To make matters worse, this apple does not taste like honey in the slightest. In fact, it somewhat tastes like nothing. A sack of wet air with the occasional fruity spritz. Boasting a Honeycrisp and Crimson Crisp heritage, the saving grace of this apple is a superior crispness and snappy white flesh that may even surpass its parents in quality. Unfortunately, with a humiliating name like Hunnyz, this apple can only be scarfed down in a dark closet to avoid rightful ridicule and thus should be consumed only by the most self-confident eaters.

UPDATE 2022: I’ve tried the new crop with an open mind based on reader’s comments and, I have to say, the commenters are wrong. This apple is exactly what I remember it being: Barely Worth It. Yes, it is snappy and crunchy and juicy, but it tastes like a sack of wet air with an occasional hint of bathroom cleaner mixed in. -2 Taste, -1 Crispness, +1 Skin, -1 Flesh, +2 Juiciness, Density -1, Beauty +3, Branding -1, Cost +1. TOTAL SCORE: 61 – > 60 (Barely Worth It).

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
HUNNYZ APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Crimson Crisp

ORIGIN

Washington State, USA

YEAR

2021

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Heckle Fruit