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Wolf River Apple Review

"The Midwestern Sledgehammer"

40
Horse Food
Wolf River Apple

🏅 #3 RANKED BAKING APPLE

This puke-stained Wisconsin bowling ball of an apple could hammer a rusty nail into a slab of frozen concrete. Disturbingly solid like a northern lake in the dead of winter, it would be entirely justified to eat this fruit while wearing a helmet. If a power auger is on hand to penetrate the Wolf River’s unforgiving surface, rugged eaters will be rewarded for their toil with a lakebed of barely dampened, quickly-browning undergirth contaminated by deceptively tart agricultural runoff. Only to be used as a robust baking or drying fruit, the Wolf River Apple feels more at home in a frontier cabin’s tool shed than a grocery store shelf.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Self-Pollinating (grows true to seed), +1 Baking, +1 Apple Butter

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / CONSISTENCY
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0.5/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5
WOLF RIVER BIO

PARENTAGE

Russian Alexander x Unknown

ORIGIN

Fremont, Wisconsin

Near Wolf River

YEAR

1856

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall

BEST USES

Baking, Dried Apples, Apple Butter

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Zestar! Apple Review

"The Failed Magician"

53
Not Worth Eating
Zestar! Apple

Unworthy of the exclamation point that follows this failed magician’s catchphrase of an apple, the Zestar! delivers an underwhelming performance featuring an array of disillusioning tricks that would make a lowly pear seem magical. Be amazed as its leathery skin sloughs off like a sheet covering a tacky stage prop. Let your imagination run wild as its ill-constructed flesh turns to brown mush before your eyes! Sit back in awe as a snappy torrent of juiciness is accompanied by a flavor that disappears in an instant! Did the heretofore promised hint of brown sugar even exist? Who cares? It’s gone now. And all sales are final! But despite conjuring a litany of disappointment, the Zestar! preserved enough redeemable qualities to pull at least one impressive trick out of its sleeve: It sired the otherworldly SweeTango Apple – an astounding feat that justifies a life of sub-optimal wizardry.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Lineage

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / CONSISTENCY
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0.5/5

INTENSITY

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0.5/5
ZESTAR! BIO

PARENTAGE

State Fair x MN1691

ORIGIN

University of Minnesota

YEAR

1999

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Minnewashta

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Ruby Jon Apple Review

"A Spirited Himbo"

59
Barely Worth It
Ruby Jon Apple

A blisteringly hot himbo of deep crimson complexion, RubyJon is truly a feast for the eyes. A sport (variety from the same tree) of the peculiar Jonathan Apple, this magnetic vision of an idealized form is a stunning delight to behold, unblemished and over-confident, fit to be wielded in temptation by Queen Grimhilde herself. But like most objects which are upsettingly attractive, RubyJon is quite dense and lacks the personality to justify its external advantage. Delivering an initial thrust of satisfying tartness, this apple straddles the line between mealy and crisp, juicy and dry, and is draped with a hefty skin, soiling its initial enchantment. Not to be totally disregarded, RubyJon is an exhilarating piece of eye candy well-suited for an hour of harmless fun in the backroom of a Chippendales.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Beauty

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / CONSISTENCY
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5
RUBY JON BIO

PARENTAGE

Jonathan Sport

ORIGIN

Northeast US

YEAR

Unknown

AVAILABILITY

Fall

BEST USES

Munching,  Applesauce, Cider

OTHER NAMES

Jackson Johnson

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Pink Pearl Apple Review

"The Red Scare"

72
Pretty Good
Pink Pearl Apple

🏅 #7 RANKED SOUR APPLE

This freakish goblin-fruit was cobbled together in the 1940s by a deranged horticulturist hell-bent on terrorizing super-market shoppers as they drifted through their desultory post-war malaise. An exquisitely tart, swamp beast of an apple, the true horror of this Karloffian-era monstrosity lies within, as its translucent alien-skin gives way to a red, bleeding flesh portending the hidden Communist threat that would soon dominate the nightmares of a generation. Tantalizing for a brief hypnotic moment, the Pink Pearl can only maintain its integrity for a short time (about two weeks after being picked) before crumbling under its own corrupt ideals, leaving behind a mealy, juiceless, failed state that must be driven back to the diabolical orchards from which it emerged.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Uniqueness

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / CONSISTENCY
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3.5/5
PINK PEARL BIO

PARENTAGE

Surprise x Rosaceae Family

ORIGIN

California

YEAR

1944

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Party Tray,

Applesauce, Baking,  Sour Apple

OTHER NAMES

Etter Surprise

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