Opal Apple Review
"A Tasty Unwiped Anus"
The Opal apple looks like it shit itself. I apologize for being uncouth but there is no more apt observation. Just look at the top of it. The Opal apple looks like a jaundiced, freckled, unwiped anus. In fact, this may be the ugliest apple of the modern era. That being said, if you’re going to be an ass, you might as well be a good ass. And like a good ass, the Opal apple is exceptionally sweet and juicy. In fact, the complex flavor profile featuring hints of banana, coconut, and pear make this Czech-born, oddly-named monstrosity a delight to consume. And while the outside may be stained with a toddler’s accident, in an ironic twist, the interior of the apple does not brown for quite some time. So I say, if you’re looking to spice up your life with something a little different, close your eyes and eat ass. Who am I to judge?
BONUS POINTS: +2 Taste
- FLAVOR PROFILE -
SWEETNESS
2/5
TARTNESS
0/5
INTENSITY
3.5/5
OPAL APPLE BIO
PARENTAGE
Golden Delicious x Topaz
ORIGIN
Czech Republic
YEAR
2010
AVAILABILITY
Late Fall – Early Summer
BEST USES
Salads, Munching
Similar to Opal
- Aurora Golden Gala
- SugarBee Apples
- GoldRush Apples
Now I do want to try it! LMAO
Kari,
Do not be a apple crazed fool. One of these devil spawned demon fruit killed my late wife, Richi. She had a weak throat due to a bout of cancer a few years before! However, that does not excuse this CURSED fruit from lodging in her throat and ending our 34 years of marriage. If you try it, you could join Richi in heaven.
I should just start saying “ditto”. Found them at a higher end grocery store and the produce manager helped me pick out a nice one, golden with a faint blush. He said the quality goes downhill quickly when they get soft and this one was still decently crisp, and the flavor truly is unique. Doesn’t make the top of my list but I strongly recommend trying at least once for the experience. May buy again if I’m in the mood for something different.
I also grabbed one that was a bit greener, which he said have a different flavor profile. TBD whether it’s any good or not.
I found my Opal apples in three pound bags at Walmart for about $1.50 a pound. No “high end stores” for me, thank you. They were the perfect eating size for our rather normal appetites. They were a lovely, warm yellow with sugar freckles like a ripening banana and as time passed developed a wonderfully tempting soft blush that remained attractively enticing for a couple weeks so when they were gone I ordered more. They remained pretty, crisp and juicy until their consumption. I am not much of a gourmet but I know what I like and what my family will eat until it is gone and clever vulgar words will not deter me. I believe some folks eat snails and fungus off oak tree roots dug out by pigs and they like it.
I agree that the apple tastes good. But if you look at the top of it, it does look like it shit itself.
Dude! Enough with the twisted bullshit.; You’re a sick bastard to even make that connection and far worse to spew your twisted thoughts in public especially where children might get wind of your nasty existence. You don’t deserve to be in this line of work with that level of disrespect for food, kids and yourself. Obviously you don’t subscribe to the idea that if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all. It’s just plain nasty that you even made that connection.
Bro calm down. Eat an a̶s̶s̶ apple
Goodness, you could just scroll by and not read the blog.
It’s a joke. I’m sorry you somehow lost your sense of humor along the way =/
You must be a lot of fun at parties
I found opal apples at food lion. I love them.i haven’t been able to get them since the new year arrived. Is it too cold for them.
it tastes like a pear
Very tasty apple – visual descriptions unfortunately spot on.
I have historically been relatively indifferent to apples, rarely ate them, and certainly held no strong preference for one variety – until I discovered opals. This is my favorite apple, and I now look forward to the fall season when they are available. As such, I was quite curious to see how it is reviewed; I was not disappointed – I cannot unsee the shit stains and, I now love this apple even more. While this review is without doubt among the most well written in the history of apple reviews, I believe appearance may be weighted too heavily in the scoring in the opal’s case (I personally find it’s fecal crown quite endearing). Despite its appearance, its taste is quite lovely and unique, and I would strongly encourage readers to try one.
Yeah, I agree, if you can get past (or even learn to love) the poo-hole top, the Opal is very juicy and delicious.
“…fecal crown…”?!? THE SCREAM I JUST SCRUMPT I’m shook to the core
Where is your review of Topaz, my favorite Apple by a wide margin.
I haven’t had a chance to try one of those yet, I’ll be on the look out!
Found these at a PriceRight in Springfield MA. They had an interesting appearance to say the least. BUT boy are they good. They give Honey Crisp apples a run for their money. Glad I found them, Unfortunately, I’ve never seen them in the Boston area. As for the fungus off of oak tree roots, I enjoy that too, so that may color my viewpoint. And there’s nothing like pig & chicken feet done right. And don’t get me started on cheek meat and toungue
Warren went off the rails at the end lol
ngl i have to agree with mathew
This is my favorite apple, yet I never realized the similarities. Flavor is insane and I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks so. Yay opal!!
The “stains” are called russeting and depending on the cultivar are either a trait or fault. For me, it’s sorta “delicious apple!” visual trigger.
Love these apples. They were the first yellow ones I’ve tried that were actually good.
But I’m disappointed that your Opal apple T-shirt says “sweet and juicy” instead of, you know, “a tasty unwiped anus”.
Haha – I didn’t think those would sell very well
I must of tried one that went waaaaaAaay downhill. The texture is like eating non squeaky styrofoam. The flavor was ok. But I had to throw it away after two bites! It was the worst thing I’ve ever eaten. Make sure you get the fresh ones otherwise the looks will be better than the taste.
silly, no, wait, just an ignorant way to describe russeting on an apple, but clever way to gain reader attention. you left out the yellow delicious parentage.
For all thoe above commenting on the looks of the top of the apple, it’s call resset. A common and for many a desirable trait. Some older varities of apple were completly covered by russet. It is often linked to a complex flavor profile, so if you see russet on an Opal, come don’t display the trait, pick that one over one without it. The disparaging remarks about this varieties appearance shows how fixated we wer on look. Tast should dominate your choice in fruit, not looks, and the two, as we see in Opals, don’t always go together.
The crappier it looks, the better it tastes!!! Gnarly.
Lucky for me I like to eat ass.
The Opal is currently my favorite. This review made me laugh till I cried! My 10 year old wanted to know what was so funny, so I showed her and she laugh till she cried. I’ll never look at an Opal the same. Thank you!
Im obsessed with Opal Apples. I heard they were sweet and my god I was not disappointed at all, in fact I will sing the song of the Opal Apple to anyone. Don’t buy 5, buy 20. I ate 5 in one day because I couldnt stop.
So true!
Definitely good for when you want to eat a pear but are turned off but their multifarious bad qualities. The ones I had were a little mealy though. 77/100
I don’t know if it was just the apple I got or that it was possibly mislabeled, but I found that the skin of the Opal our household got was very thick and chewy. The flavor was just good enough that the thickness of the skin didn’t turn me off, but if mine was an outlier then I’d definitely love to have this apple more often! Also, the flavor is definitely similar enough to an Asian pear that I think it might be a good substitute for it in recipes.
I met the love of my life because of this apple. It was winter, 1983, and I was ice skating on the lake near my house in North Dakota. I was alone, which is not unusual for me. I have very few friends. As I skated I did not notice the cracks forming beneath me on the ice. It was very likley I would have fallen through if I had continued. Thankfully, I had one of these apples in my backpack on my back. After completing a wonderful spin the apple flew out and slid across the ice. As I bent over to grab it, I noticed the cracks and quicklys skated for shore. In my haste I was not looking where I was going and ran right into a stranger, knocking us both onto the icy sand.
We were laying in shock and confusion. As i looked over at them I realized this was someone special. Over the next few years we began to fall ever deeper in love. We would eventually get married in 88. Had a few kids, and moved to the West Coast. While we dont skate much, or get out that much to be honest, I still think fondly of that day, and that apple.
You could say that he’s still the Opal of your eye…
I found the Opals to be quite bland, we bought them two different times and neither were exceptional. Honestly a fresh from the tree yellow delicious is much better I think.
Terrible review. The flesh is mushy and the apple is not crisp at all. good flavor and would be a great apple maybe even the best if it was just a bit less of a soft mushy mess
I am sick of you ametur apple addikts coming in here and bismerching our great apple king. You are a fool, a fiend, and no friend to apples! I hope you live to choke on those words.
Allso I really like soft apples that feel like they are abit rotten but not too much. Does that make sense? Like it is a bit brown inside and tastes sour.
I bought some at Dillons in Kansas to try and I love them. I was disappointed when they no longer sold them. I planted seeds from one apple and I have 7 Opal Sweet apple trees growing in flowerpots in my apartment. I hope they live till spring then I will plant them at my sister’s house in the country. The tallest one is over 2 ft tall. My family loves them and the produce guy at the store said him and his family loves them too. I’ve always been a yellow delicious gal but the stores here doesn’t sell them anymore so I was glad to find these. If you don’t like how the tops look just peel it off.
They taste like an apple (not all sold under that label do). They bake very well (apple, oatmeal, brown sugar, butter), they eat very well. I buy them by the baker’s dozen — one to eat on the way home from the store.
If you find some late in the selling season that are a bit soft, leave them in the store. But when they’re as hard, like a baseball, there are DELICIOUS!
My reaction on first having one was “this is what golden delicious wants to be when it grows up.” Never been disappointed eating one.
I haven’t tried the Opal. I find it a bit disconcerting for an apple to be tagged as “naturally non-browning”. There’s nothing natural about that.
Apples, ‘breathe,’ after picked – that is, they respire;
Apples trapped in their exhaust do sooner expire.
To give the Macoun apple a review that is fair,
Eat it within a few days, and store it out in the air.
Calling mispronunciation a racial slur, wrapped in fast food,
Is gross and out of place, in this apple rating, dude.
Reviewers express judgements, while adding their own flavor,
But perhaps, The Appleist might consider granting a favor:
Food critics gonna criticize, and do so with unapologetic zest.
The Appleist gonna anthropomorphize, but it would likely be for the best,
To check that white boi state of mind, and focus on apples one has yet to try.
Inevitably, one shall find: One knows not apples who knows not the Northern Spy.
pretty substantially sweet. notes of honey. fairly firm. decent water content.
I’ve never seen or eaten this apple, but even so the thought of it leaves me absolutely speechless. When socializing amongst other apple enthusiasts, its mere mention is enough that I am forced to politely excuse myself and fight back hot tears as I sullenly retire to my chamber.
My favorite apple is Golden Delicious. Can’t buy them anymore in upstate NY. Found these Opals at Walmart – immediately caught their sent as I walked by. Smelled like a Golden Delicious and tastes very close to a Golden Delicious. I wondered why they kind of looked ugly, but tried them anyway. They are delicious and are the closest thing I’ve found to Golden Delicious in a couple of years.
Not a regular apple enjoyer but I recently found these and love them. Excellent crispness, juice, tartness, and flavor with a very reasonable skin that stays out of the way.
That said, these do not seem to be consistent between stores, even at the same time of year! My local Safeway carries “extra fancy opal apples” which have been consistently exemplary since I discovered them several weeks ago. My Whole Foods sells “organic opal apples” which share some qualities but tend toward being smaller, mealier, and less tart. I gave the selection at 99 Ranch a try (“Opal Apples”) and they were ranged from being mealy like the WF apples and almost as good as the Safeway ones.
I noticed this apple while walking through the produce section at Vons in Los Angeles. I don’t particularly like Vons, but I was just picking up a few things for a neighbor who asked me to stop there on my way home. The yellow color caught my eye and I turned to see the small mound labelled “Opal Sweet”. I selected one that was firm despite the tremendously deep hole on both the top and bottom and the potential for something to inhabit those areas. Once home I peeled the little sticker and washed it well, making sure to clean out those holes. As I was cleaning it, I thought I should Google “Opal Apple” and find out a bit about it before taking a bite. Well, walking from the kitchen to my computer, it just happened. I took a bite and then another. 4 or 5 bites in and I start reading this review; thumb firmly pressed into the top hole, middle finger pressed to the rim of the bottom hole, ring and index fingers gripping either side of the same rim and I realized, I’m eating this wrong. You can’t eat this ass apple like a regular apple. Here I am just teasing it with finger tips and thumb when I should’ve gone tongue first into the top hole. I’ve never eaten ass before and I have no intention of doing so, but even I know you don’t eat ass by biting cheeks. In any case, it’s a decent apple with decent sweetness. Seems like a lot of reviews from people who chose a bad apple which should reflect more on the consumer and less on the apple itself. I would still prefer the Sugar Bee apple, but I’m not sorry I bought and ate this Opal apple. Just sorry I didn’t read this first and been able to eat this correctly.
Living in Washington’s Apple region; I have seen and eaten most of the well known and a few of the old school fruits. This Opal was a pleasant trial of the taste buds and the nose. If one were to have the chance to buy a decent quantity…do so and make your self some Apple sauce. Its easy, Applease Ceylon cinnimon and a splash of nutmeg. YUMMY!
Yellow like lemmon …
I just had one for the first time yesterday and I was not into it. Flesh was too soft/mealy and mine tasted like a pear. If I wanted a pear I would have gotten a pear!!!!!!!!! Grah!!!