Opal Apple Review

"A Tasty Unwiped Anus"

Opal Apple


The Opal apple looks like it shit itself. I apologize for being uncouth but there is no more apt observation. Just look at the top of it. The Opal apple looks like a jaundiced, freckled, unwiped anus. In fact, this may be the ugliest apple of the modern era. That being said, if you’re going to be an ass, you might as well be a good ass. And like a good ass, the Opal apple is exceptionally sweet and juicy. In fact, the complex flavor profile featuring hints of banana, coconut, and pear make this Czech-born, oddly-named monstrosity a delight to consume. And while the outside may be stained with a toddler’s accident, in an ironic twist, the interior of the apple does not brown for quite some time. So I say, if you’re looking to spice up your life with something a little different, close your eyes and eat ass. Who am I to judge?


Branding / Consistency




Red Apple Icon



Red Apple Icon



Red Apple Icon


Golden Delicious x Topaz


Czech Republic




Late Fall – Early Summer


Salads, Munching

33 thoughts on “Opal Apple Review”

  1. I should just start saying “ditto”. Found them at a higher end grocery store and the produce manager helped me pick out a nice one, golden with a faint blush. He said the quality goes downhill quickly when they get soft and this one was still decently crisp, and the flavor truly is unique. Doesn’t make the top of my list but I strongly recommend trying at least once for the experience. May buy again if I’m in the mood for something different.

    I also grabbed one that was a bit greener, which he said have a different flavor profile. TBD whether it’s any good or not.

  2. I found my Opal apples in three pound bags at Walmart for about $1.50 a pound. No “high end stores” for me, thank you. They were the perfect eating size for our rather normal appetites. They were a lovely, warm yellow with sugar freckles like a ripening banana and as time passed developed a wonderfully tempting soft blush that remained attractively enticing for a couple weeks so when they were gone I ordered more. They remained pretty, crisp and juicy until their consumption. I am not much of a gourmet but I know what I like and what my family will eat until it is gone and clever vulgar words will not deter me. I believe some folks eat snails and fungus off oak tree roots dug out by pigs and they like it.

      1. Dude! Enough with the twisted bullshit.; You’re a sick bastard to even make that connection and far worse to spew your twisted thoughts in public especially where children might get wind of your nasty existence. You don’t deserve to be in this line of work with that level of disrespect for food, kids and yourself. Obviously you don’t subscribe to the idea that if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all. It’s just plain nasty that you even made that connection.

        1. Goodness, you could just scroll by and not read the blog.

          It’s a joke. I’m sorry you somehow lost your sense of humor along the way =/

      2. I found opal apples at food lion. I love them.i haven’t been able to get them since the new year arrived. Is it too cold for them.

  3. I have historically been relatively indifferent to apples, rarely ate them, and certainly held no strong preference for one variety – until I discovered opals. This is my favorite apple, and I now look forward to the fall season when they are available. As such, I was quite curious to see how it is reviewed; I was not disappointed – I cannot unsee the shit stains and, I now love this apple even more. While this review is without doubt among the most well written in the history of apple reviews, I believe appearance may be weighted too heavily in the scoring in the opal’s case (I personally find it’s fecal crown quite endearing). Despite its appearance, its taste is quite lovely and unique, and I would strongly encourage readers to try one.

  4. Found these at a PriceRight in Springfield MA. They had an interesting appearance to say the least. BUT boy are they good. They give Honey Crisp apples a run for their money. Glad I found them, Unfortunately, I’ve never seen them in the Boston area. As for the fungus off of oak tree roots, I enjoy that too, so that may color my viewpoint. And there’s nothing like pig & chicken feet done right. And don’t get me started on cheek meat and toungue

  5. The “stains” are called russeting and depending on the cultivar are either a trait or fault. For me, it’s sorta “delicious apple!” visual trigger.

  6. Love these apples. They were the first yellow ones I’ve tried that were actually good.

    But I’m disappointed that your Opal apple T-shirt says “sweet and juicy” instead of, you know, “a tasty unwiped anus”.

  7. I must of tried one that went waaaaaAaay downhill. The texture is like eating non squeaky styrofoam. The flavor was ok. But I had to throw it away after two bites! It was the worst thing I’ve ever eaten. Make sure you get the fresh ones otherwise the looks will be better than the taste.

  8. silly, no, wait, just an ignorant way to describe russeting on an apple, but clever way to gain reader attention. you left out the yellow delicious parentage.

  9. Jonathna Bundick

    For all thoe above commenting on the looks of the top of the apple, it’s call resset. A common and for many a desirable trait. Some older varities of apple were completly covered by russet. It is often linked to a complex flavor profile, so if you see russet on an Opal, come don’t display the trait, pick that one over one without it. The disparaging remarks about this varieties appearance shows how fixated we wer on look. Tast should dominate your choice in fruit, not looks, and the two, as we see in Opals, don’t always go together.

  10. The Opal is currently my favorite. This review made me laugh till I cried! My 10 year old wanted to know what was so funny, so I showed her and she laugh till she cried. I’ll never look at an Opal the same. Thank you!

  11. Im obsessed with Opal Apples. I heard they were sweet and my god I was not disappointed at all, in fact I will sing the song of the Opal Apple to anyone. Don’t buy 5, buy 20. I ate 5 in one day because I couldnt stop.

  12. Definitely good for when you want to eat a pear but are turned off but their multifarious bad qualities. The ones I had were a little mealy though. 77/100

  13. I don’t know if it was just the apple I got or that it was possibly mislabeled, but I found that the skin of the Opal our household got was very thick and chewy. The flavor was just good enough that the thickness of the skin didn’t turn me off, but if mine was an outlier then I’d definitely love to have this apple more often! Also, the flavor is definitely similar enough to an Asian pear that I think it might be a good substitute for it in recipes.

  14. Joshua David Martin

    I found the Opals to be quite bland, we bought them two different times and neither were exceptional. Honestly a fresh from the tree yellow delicious is much better I think.

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