MiApple Apple Review

"The Narc of Apples"

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Horse Food

This bizarrely packaged mini-apple is what an alien would put in your cell at a human zoo if it was trying to feed you “authentic Earth-food”. I’m not sure an apple can qualify as a “narc” but, it certainly feels like this perfectly manicured, corporate shill is trying way too hard to prove it is, in fact, an apple. Sold in either a box that could just as easily contain a DVD player, or a hermetically-sealed bag adorned with stock photos of athletic white folks, the MiApple (which I can only guess is pronounced My-Apple, and not the pirate-esque Me-Apple) attempts to attract customers with pithy, bleached, robot-speak slogans that include the word “mi” instead of “my“. Do the phrases “mi body fuel” and “mi energy boost” do anything for you? Of course not.

That being said, like a soul-crushing job that pays just enough to stomach, this colossal misfire of a marketing ploy could be overlooked if the apple tasted decent. But, alas, what we have here is a mealy, juiceless, thick-skinned, replica of an apple that will have no place in MiHouse.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
MIAPPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Fuji

ORIGIN

Australia

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Decoration

8 thoughts on “MiApple Apple Review”

  1. these are the only apples I would consider dangerous with only one. with most apples, you do not have to worry about overextending your jaw in order to eat as much of this fraudster fruit in one bite, so you can finish this flavorless fruit and eat something actually good.

  2. I found these apples at the store and ran to the cashier to complain. After being refused to see the manager I began pelting random passers by with the apples
    up and down the isles. Overall it was a pretty fun day and have really no complaints. 10/10 apple high throwing velocity and dense enough to do damage and fracture an infant’s skull with just one modest throw. Please consider adding this metric to your reviews in the future.

    1. Hadn’t considered skull fracturing ability in my rubric yet. But I’d probably view it as a negative from an eating perspective. Perhaps a should start a new list that ranks my apples by abilit my to weaponize? Either way – I’m glad you had a fun day with apples!

      1. Based on my experience with Envy I think that denseness is a factor in holding ability, so I feel like that mitigates it to some degree – if it can still be a positive eating experience (referring to other varieties, not the Mi) after months in storage vs devolving into applesauce when it’s been off the tree for more than a week I think that should count towards the overall value of the variety. Also, as the owner of a standard height Transparent, which have the impressive ability to turn into applesauce STILL ON the tree, I have an appreciation for apples that don’t explode on contact with the ground, especially when that’s the only way to access them (though I realize that’s not a factor for retail sale). The only other valid use for Transparents is horse/goat/pig food and after being chucked over a fence the herd is often reduced to lapping up the remains. They might appreciate chewing on rocks for a change of pace.

  3. I found these apples at the store and ran to the cashier to complain. After being refused to see the manager I began pelting random passers by with the apples
    up and down the isles. Overall it was a pretty fun day and have really no complaints. 10/10 apple high throwing velocity and dense enough to do damage and fracture an infant’s skull with just one modest throw. Please consider adding this metric to your reviews in the future!

  4. Tried finding these apples at the store with my son. Some guy cut us off at the self check out and started screaming at the machine to “find him the man responsible for these apples.” He then started foaming at the mouth and hurling apples at costumers with bloodshot eyes. I came out unscathed since i slipped on the floor, slick with teeth and blood it actually saved my life. As panic ensued a stampede of people ran out the store, all the while 98mph apples split some of their heads open like those YouTube videos where hicks shoot ballistic jelly or whatever. My son was caught in the cross fire and all i saw was his arm be blown out of its socket moments before he was dragged under the crocs and Birkenstocks of the panicked costumers. 4/10, lost points for blood stains on my DC Comics graphic tee.

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