granny smith

SnapDragon Apple Review

"A Chomp-Worthy Newcomer"

87
Excellent
SnapDragon Apple

This chomp-worthy newcomer from Cornell University’s Apple Breeding Program is the company rival to the parallel developed Ruby Frost. But that thick-skinned ice queen is incinerated by the SnapDragon’s crisp flesh, exceptional juiciness, and expectation-surpassing “Monster Crunch.” A semi-unsightly mythical offspring of the Honeycrisp, the fantastically branded SnapDragon is endowed with its mother’s best familial qualities that have secured the reign of her wide-ranging empire for the past several decades.

However, if the Honeycrisp empire were bequeathed to the SnapDragon it would quickly fall. Despite its titanic crunch, mellow flavor notes of what some may describe as “vanilla” or “melon” are far too understated to keep the masses satiated for long. Additionally, with a tree that “lacks vigor”, this dragon has proven to be a monster of a problem for apple breeders hoping to spread their wings beyond New York State.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Branding, +1 Crispness, +1 Density, +1 Flesh

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5
SNAPDRAGON BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x

Golden Delicious x

Monroe x Melrose

ORIGIN

Cornell University, New York

YEAR

2015

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Salads

Fuji Apple Review

"The Japanese Pop Star"

56
Barely Worth It
Fuji Apple

Yet another demon spawn of the Red Delicious (crossed with a Ralls Janet) this gravelly choking hazard named after Fujisaki City, Japan is a J-Pop Star of an apple fit with a ravenous fanbase that many Americans will find difficult to understand. Personally, it is beyond comprehension how this super-hard medieval weapon masquerading as a fruit could become the most popular apple in Japan (and a top 5 apple worldwide). Aside from a semi-sweet initial bite, this mushy, rough-skinned, experiment gone awry is a baffling oddity with a sword-like stem so sharp it will – quite literally –  stab other apples in transit. Despite this, the Fuji fandom is real, uncompromising, and dedicated. A Fuji is not for everyone but, if it’s for you, it just may be your favorite apple. 

UPDATE 2023: Still truly baffled how many feel this is their favorite apple. However, I have not had the chance to try a Fuji straight from Japan where I hear they may be better. That being said, I have had better Fujis in my re-testing. +3 Taste, -1 Juiciness, +2 Cost/Availability. TOTAL SCORE: 48 -> 56 (Horse Food -> Barely Worth It).

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
FUJI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Ralls Janet

ORIGIN

Japan

YEAR

1962

AVAILABILITY

Early Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching

Rave Apple Review

"The Knockoff Brand Honeycrisp"

79
Very Good
Rave Apple

The snappy new Rave Apple (or “First Kiss” Apple if you prefer your fruit names to contain a touch of pre-pubescent sexualization) is a discount brand Honeycrisp. Buying one of these slightly lumpy, slightly off-colored, slightly dull, outlet store apples is like buying a Coby television – sure it plays your favorite shows but something about it is just…off. In fact, at first bite, the spritely snap, wonderfully thin skin, and incredible juiciness of this apple might convince less discerning chewers that their thrifty ways have finally elevated them into the echelon of their highfalutin neighbor, Steve, with his fancy Honeycrisp Apples and LG OLED 65” television set. Ah but, the Cinderella story quickly dissipates as the flavor in your mouth melts away faster than the vibrant colors on your shit-box of a TV.

If all Honeycrisp Apples were to disappear from the Earth in some kind of fruit rapture, I would recommend the Rave Apple as a serviceable replacement. However, until the Second Coming, it is best to shell out the extra one dollar per pound and avoid this slightly less sweet, slightly less tart, slightly less pretty budget apple.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Crispness, +1 Density, +1 Skin

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
RAVE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x MonArk

ORIGIN

Univ. of Minnesota

YEAR

2018

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Munching / Bad for Baking

OTHER NAMES

First Kiss (in Minnesota)

Granny Smith Apple Review

"The Original Sour Apple"

57
Barely Worth It
Granny Smith Apple

🏅 #2 RANKED SOUR APPLE

There was a time, not so very long ago, when apples came in two varieties: “Red” and “Green.” Generally, “Red” apples corresponded to the now contemptible Red Delicious and “Green” apples referred to the famed Granny Smith. For decades, children in school cafeterias across the world sang the praises of the mouth-puckering alternative to the “Teacher’s Pet” Red Delicious. This was an apple for the cool kids, it inspired its own candy flavor, and showed how truly original its eaters were. 

How sad it is that so many unfortunate souls still cling to the stray bits of personality they gleaned from proudly declaring themselves a Granny Smith fan when they were but mere tots. It is the dawn of a new age in Appleandia and Granny Smith (an actual British ex-pat who lived in Australia) is long dead. It is time to bury her apple along with her. Admittedly, this is a superb baking apple perhaps the best, but as for munching, the Granny Smith’s densely packed flesh and insurmountable skin create a most unpleasant eating experience.

Here are the straight facts: the Granny Smith’s tough flesh and skin will quite literally make your gums bleed, it was borne from the trash of Granny Smith’s French crab apples, and science has determined that this is the most undigestible apple in the world (which, to be fair, is actually good for gut flora). To all the Granny Smith acolytes: it is time to grow up. There are now superior sour apples on the market.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Uniqueness, +1 Historical Significance, +1 Baking

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

5/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
GRANNY SMITH BIO

PARENTAGE

French Crab Apple x Unknown

ORIGIN

Australia

YEAR

1868

AVAILABILITY

Year-Round

BEST USES

Baking, Sour Apple

OTHER NAMES

Green Apple, Sour Apple

Kanzi Apple Review

"The European Party Apple"

93
Superb
Kanzi Apple

🏅 #1 RANKED SOUR APPLE

Keep this apple away from your children. For one bite of this dangerously tart, Sour Warhead-esque European party apple can send even the most hardened chewers down a wormhole of indescribable intensity rendering normal life a feckless charade lacking all discernible stimuli.

The provocative slogan of this fruit-like opioid is “Seduce Life” – a despicable and totally inappropriate combination of words for any occasion, much less a fruit’s mantra. But perhaps the Belgian sociopaths who cooked up this irresistible scourge on humanity uttered these words as a warning. Heed them or become one of the delirious hordes of cocksure maniacs who dared enter the realm of psychedelic ecstasy that is the Kanzi. Once you do, you may never be able to break free from the siren’s embrace.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Taste

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

5/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5

INTENSITY

100/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5
KANZI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

Belgium

YEAR

2004

AVAILABILITY

Late Winter – Early Spring

BEST USES

Party Night, Sour Apple

OTHER NAMES

Nicoter

Wild Twist Apple Review

"A Famous Person's Child"

81
Excellent
Wild Twist Apple

🏅 #5 RANKED SOUR APPLE

This salacious newcomer straight from the balls of apple scientists in sex-crazed Lancaster, Pennsylvania is a serviceable addition to what is becoming a crowded field of genetic freak, cross-bred apples. The “twist” is between the God-like Honeycrisp and bottom of the top list Pink Lady – an audacious combination that is the apple equivalent of a celebrity power couple.

But like most celebrity power couples, their less-hot offspring (while putting out a decent solo album) just can’t live up to their famous parents. Inheriting the hardness of the Pink Lady, and its unfortunate skin that lingers in your mouth like a wet paper bag, the Honeycrisp does the real heavy lifting, elevating this apple onto the bottom of the top list.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Branding

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
WILD TWIST BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Pink Lady

ORIGIN

Lancaster, Pennsylvania

YEAR

2020

AVAILABILITY

Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Sour Apple

Pink Lady Apple Review

"A Fiery Troublemaker"

86
Excellent
Pink Lady Apple

🏅 #7 RANKED SOUR APPLE

The perfect blend of sweet and tart, this fiery bitch is a headliner at supermarkets worldwide. Not as snappy as you’d like, and dense enough to hammer a nail, this unflappable cart-stopper is a true trailblazer as the first apple name to be awarded a trademark.

But the name “Pink Lady” isn’t just snappy branding. It’s a badge of honor bestowed only upon the worthy. Every year, millions of pitiful Cripps Pink apples desperately cling to the ever-vanishing hope that they would one day ascend past their beggarly form to the vaunted moniker of  “Pink Lady.” But only the true standouts meet this high standard while the undeserving are relegated to the *gag* discount stores. This taxing gauntlet results in a remarkably consistent apple.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Historical Significance, +1 Branding / Consistency

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
PINK LADY BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Lady Williams

ORIGIN

Western Australia

YEAR

1985

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Applesauce,

Baking, Sour Apple

Autumn Glory Apple Review

"The Glory Hole of Apples"

51
Not Worth Eating
Autumn Glory Apple

Well, science has finally created an apple that tastes like the spit in your mouth right before you vomit. This fever dream of a deranged Washingtonian scientist is shielded by a clever name and shifty marketing team who carelessly toss around manufactured flavor notes such as “caramel”, “warm cider”, and “subtle cinnamon.” But, make no mistake, this pee-stained lump-fruit tastes less like cider and cinnamon and more like a urine-soaked gas station bathroom floor that someone accidentally spilled cinnamon on. Which makes this apple less Autumn Glory more Autumn Glory Hole.

That being said, this nasty piss floor of an apple does have the benefit of tasting unique. And while it certainly won’t be for everyone, there are an adventurous few who may actually enjoy a walk on the wild side.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
AUTUMN GLORY BIO

PARENTAGE

Fuji x Golden Delicious

ORIGIN

Washington, USA

YEAR

2011

AVAILABILITY

Mid-Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Cocktail Base

Ruby Frost Apple Review

"Thick-Skinned New York Fuckboi"

69
Mediocre
Ruby Frost Apple

You wanna talk about a handsome apple? This New York bred sex-fruit will ride you like the A-Train from here to Poughkeepsie. Only problem is, like most hot New Yorkers, this puppy has a skin so thick getting through to this fuckboi is like trying to cross the GW Bridge at rush hour. But hey, If you’re able to choke down the seat-belt strap material that it calls ‘skin’ you’ll be rewarded with a great snap and mildly sweet taste that’s juicier than a pigeon’s ass over heeee. Too bad that’s impossible.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
RUBY FROST BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Autumn Crisp

ORIGIN

Cornell University

YEAR

2015

AVAILABILITY

Winter

BEST USES

Winter Apple, Baking

Envy Apple Review

"Great Apple for Robust Chewers"

86
Excellent
Envy Apple

Another banger from New Zealand, this delightful beauty has unparalleled taste, juiciness, and crisp flesh that won’t turn brown even after days. Not even close to the greatest of all time, this apple is still the envy of anyone looking at a shelf of Red Delicious.

Unfortunately, the transcendent taste of this very attractive sin-fruit is weighed down, literally, by its unreasonable density and excruciatingly thick skin that lingers in your mouth like a replacement tongue. Not recommended for sufferers of TMJ – this apple is worth the bite if you can commit to years of jaw therapy.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Taste, +1 Oxidation Rate, +1 Consistency

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

5/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5

TARTNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
ENVY APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Royal Gala

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2008

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching only

OTHER NAMES

Scilate

Honeycrisp Apple Review

"The Worldwide Favorite"

95
Nearly Perfect

The new kid on the block in terms of well-known apples, this go-getter went from specialty store nobody to supermarket mainstay in no time. A fan favorite likely to soon overtake the serviceable Royal Gala and belligerently disgusting Red Delicious as ‘most in-demand’ apple, this sweet, snappy savior can be credited with bringing apples back into the discussion as a relevant fruit – as well as injecting its genes into some of the best apples mankind has to offer (including the #1 SweeTango). 

While this trailblazer may have jumpstarted the Apple Renaissance, it’s up to future generations of Honeycrisp offspring to carry the torch as this splotchy MILF can be cumbersomely massive, weighing down grocery bags like a bulbous melon. And at the price – that can be a real deterrent. 

BONUS POINTS: +1 Branding / Consistency, +1 Crispness, +1 Juiciness, +1 Skin, +2 Historical Significance

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

5/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
HONEYCRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Keepsake x MN1627

ORIGIN

University of Minnesota

YEAR

1991

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Baking, Juice

OTHER NAMES

Honeycrunch

Lady Alice Apple Review

"A Perfectly Nice Lady"

56
Barely Worth It
Lady Alice Apple

This non-playable character of an apple, spawned by a freak accident involving a tractor blade and a Red Delicious tree (not a joke), is an unremarkable background extra with no distinguishable qualities beyond a mildly interesting Victorian-Era sticker. Confusingly named “Lady Alice”, since this apple has nothing to do with the much more famous Pink Lady, Alice has a middling candy-like sweetness, a skin that won’t offend, and a juiciness that’ll have to do, I guess. Alice is a perfectly nice lady, but like an office colleague who sits somewhere over there, you will forget this apple’s name in the elevator even though it may have joined you for lunch on multiple occasions.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
LADY ALICE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Unknown

ORIGIN

Gleed, Washington – USA

YEAR

1979

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Winter Apple, Baking

Eat These Apples Instead
Lady Alice is Better Than

SweeTango Apple Review

"The Holy Grail "

97
Nearly Perfect
SweeTango Apple

Selectively bred to snap like a sweet piece of celery, this apple, available only in September and October (if we’re lucky) in certain super markets is the best apple ever to grace the world of Gods and men. A gifted child of the spectacular Honeycrisp and elusive Zestar, this nearly immaculate treasure was blessed with the greatest qualities of both its parents but manages to avoid any of their unfortunate flaws. If this was the apple that tempted Eve in the garden of Eden I wouldn’t blame her; for the taste of just one SweeTango is worth living through 1000 painful childbirths.

The one downside of the SweeTango – other than needlessly lopping off the “T” from “Sweet” to form the repulsively frolicsome word “Swee” – is its paltry robustness. Get these apples before November 1 or you’ll be cursing my name as you bite into a hollowed out balloon of an apple. And, if in the Western Hemisphere, don’t be fooled into buying New Zealand SweeTangos in the winter – they can’t handle the trip. 

BONUS POINTS: +2 Taste, +1 Crispness, +1 Flesh (93 -> 97)

 

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

5/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
SWEETANGO BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Zestar

ORIGIN

Minnesota, USA

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Some Baking

Red Delicious Apple Review

"Coffee Grinds in a Leather Glove"

25
Despicable
Red Delicious Apples

Oh how the mighty have fallen! Believe it or not, the coffee grinds in a leather glove known as “The Red Delicious Apple” was once a robust firebrand credited with reinventing the apple from mere cider-fruit into a full-fledged lunch-worthy sidepiece. It even won the Stark Brothers apple contest in 1894. Likely your great-grandma’s favorite apple, this once flavorful Prometheus has been mass-produced into desolation. 

Nowadays, you can find this thick-skinned, flavorless, mealy imposter unwashed in a dirty wicker basket on the floor of a convenience store.  What a sad state of affairs. It’s time to hang them up old man, your time has passed.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Historical Significance

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / CONSISTENCY
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5
RED DELICIOUS BIO

PARENTAGE

Delicious

ORIGIN

Peru, Iowa – USA

YEAR

19th Century

AVAILABILITY

Year-Round

BEST USES

Compost

OTHER NAMES

Stark Delicious, Oregon, Otago,

Red Chief, Red King, Red Spur,

Richared, Starking Starkrimson,

Starkspur