heirloom

Golden Russet Apple Review

"A Putrid Corpse"

22
Despicable
Golden Russet Apple

This putrid, decomposing, death-fruit is a stinking corpse of an apple that would fit nicely in Wednesday Addams’ lunch box. One of the most foul, horrific looking apples that can be found in America, the Golden Russet is contaminated by the rusted sandpaper skin its namesake implies. But astonishingly, this apple’s zombie-like appearance is not its most striking quality. For this repugnant witch’s curse emits a rancid odor that will make you question whether or not you are eating old fish. Storing well through the winter, its flesh is dense, tough, and chewy like an embalmed cadaver (which quickly devolves into mush like a regular cadaver). That being said, it actually tastes better than it looks – which is not saying much. The Golden Russet is only appropriate for cider production and otherwise should be avoided like the plague.

🏅 #2 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
GOLDEN RUSSET BIO

PARENTAGE

English Golden Russet

ORIGIN

New York State

YEAR

1800s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Cider Production

OTHER NAMES

Bullock’s Pippin, Sheep-nose,

American Golden Russet,

Fox Apple, Long Tom

Sunrise Magic Apple Review

"The Orphan Apple"

59
Barely Worth It
Sunrise Magic Apple / Crimson Delight Apple

Originally released in 2011 as WA-2 by Washington State University, this pink-orange pre-cursor to the Cosmic Crisp was destined to inhabit fruit stands as a nameless orphan. That is, until the Apple King of Yakima, WA welcomed this unwanted ragamuffin into its kingdom, endowing it with the moniker: “Crimson Delight.” Five years later, just as this discarded underdog’s new identity took root, WSU emerged from the woodwork like a deadbeat dad looking to cash in on a child’s football scholarship by claiming “WA-2” is actually called the “Sunrise Magic” – and it belonged to them. A masterclass in bungled marketing, the Sunrise Magic / Crimson Delight now finds itself with two names, two fathers, and zero hope.

Not that either name would make a difference. (Sunrise Magic sounds like a poorly conceived brunch cocktail and Crimson Delight sounds like a back-alley sex act.) But more importantly, the fight for custody of this apple is probably not worth the effort in the first place. Its incredible juiciness tastes like water from a public water fountain. Its crispness is undercut by somewhat mealy flesh. Its finicky temperament requires two weeks of room temperature storage to “awaken the flavor.” In other words, regardless of who wins custody, this apple will likely find its way back into foster care where it will languish in obscurity.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
SUNRISE MAGIC BIO

PARENTAGE

Splendour x Gala

ORIGIN

Washington State University

YEAR

2011

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

OTHER NAMES

Crimson Delight, WA-2

Ludacrisp Apple Review

"The Dirty South Rapple"

75
Very Good
Ludacrisp Apple

Intentional or not, this hefty behemoth of an apple is named after Dirty South rapper Ludacris of “Move B***** Get Out Da Way” fame. The word ludicrous is spelled with an “I”. The rapper Ludacris is spelled with an “A”. And so, naming an apple Ludacrisp (with an “A”) is an obvious homage to the early-2000s undisputed king of southern hospitality. Yet, in a baffling omission, the Midwest Apple Improvement Association seems to purposely ignore this blatant connection:

“The name Ludacrisp® is a play on the word “ludicrous,” meaning something that is absurd, joking, nonsensical, and playful. The apple’s name was created to make people smile.”

And so, just like the Spotify playlists of the midwest farmers who named it, Ludacris is nowhere to be found. Admittedly, it would be difficult to sell a supermarket on a dirty south rapple with a sign that says “Move Pears Get Out Da Way.” Perhaps it’s best the connection remain unspoken, and those who know, just know?

To be fair, the discoverer of this apple wished to call it the “Juicy Fruit” – because it tastes like the shitty gum. Which is not only a stupid name – it is also a trademarked name and therefore, impossible. However, Juicy Fruit may be a more appropriate label than Ludacrisp since while this apple is only moderately crispy, it is, in fact, ludicrously juicy. As juicy as a ho’s ass – as Luda might say. On the flip side, like Luda’s raunchy lyrics, this apple packs a powerful flavor-punch that will remain incredibly divisive.

And so, despite the confusion surrounding the name, the Ludacrisp is a must-try apple. After one ho-smacking bite, you’ll either be calling the FCC to have it banned, or telling the other apples in your fridge to get out da way.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Juiciness

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
LUDACRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp

ORIGIN

Pataskala, Ohio

YEAR

2019

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Cider, Muching, Salads

OTHER NAMES

Juicy Fruit, MAIA-L

Jonathan Apple Review

"An Odd Homeschooled Boy"

39
Horse Food
Jonathan Apple

🏅 #6 RANKED CIDER APPLE

This mealy disgrace, named after the boy in your third-grade class who always had dirt on his face, has the consistency of old snow wrapped in electrical tape. The only thing more difficult than getting past the off-putting name of “Jonathan” – a fine name for a boy with a lollipop but not for a fruit – is burrowing through the leathery deep-red skin shrouding its mushy innards. A quite handsome apple with exceptional juiciness, Jonathan once held so much promise, but this early 19th century heirloom is destined to be homeschooled as it is too sensitive (to both disease and bruising) to flourish in a normal setting. The best we can hope for from sweet, little Jonathan is a decent juice or cider, but in all likelihood this apple will slowly fade from our sight and memory only to be loved by its own mother.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
JONATHAN BIO

PARENTAGE

 Esopus Spitzenburg

ORIGIN

Woodstock, NY or Ohio Wilds

YEAR

1796 or 1826

AVAILABILITY

Fall

BEST USES

Cider or Juice

OTHER NAMES

Ricks Apple

Braeburn Apple Review

"The Civil Rights Apple"

73
Pretty Good
Braeburn Apple

🏅 #4 RANKED SOUR APPLE

Back in the 1950s, in a time when single-colored apples ruled the day (see Red Delicious vs. Golden Delicious), the upstart New Zealand Braeburn shocked the world with a blasphemous skin boasting two colors at once: red and green. Despite the protestations of backwards apple purists desperately clinging to the bygone days of single-color apples, the Braeburn’s complex and stupendous flavor was undeniable; this multi-toned interloper was here to stay. And stay it did, becoming one of the most popular apples worldwide for the next seven decades.

Why can’t I find Braeburn Apples anymore?

In today’s fast-paced apple world this sweet-tart, spicy maverick may at long last be obsolete. Lacking the consistency of modern apples, and suffering from difficulties like Braeburn Browning Disorder due to higher internal carbon dioxide concentrations, enterprising breeders began looking for Braeburn descendants that could replace its parent (and be trademarked for profit of course). And so, the ungrateful children of the Braeburn: Envy, Jazz, Sweetie, and Kanzi are sweeping this trailblazing old-timer into oblivion, leaving no room on the grocery store shelf for the apple to whom they owe so much.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Historical Significance

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
BRAEBURN BIO

PARENTAGE

Lady Hamilton x Granny Smith

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

1952

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Pies, Munching, Sour Apple

Cortland Apple Review

"A Damp Hacky Sack"

52
Barely Worth It
Cortland Apple

🏅 #8 RANKED SOUR APPLE |🏅 #9 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Aside from the striking white flesh and splash of tartness, there’s not much good that can be said about the damp hacky sack left outside a frat house all winter known as the Cortland Apple. Discovered in 1898, in the remarkably not Cortland city of Geneva, NY this flattened McIntosh sandbag of shit continues the age-old tradition of dragging the apple reputation of New York State into the sewer. A cold weather apple that can’t stay fresh for very long, the not-Geneva Apple loses its fledgling tartness, paltry sweetness, and illusory crispness too quickly to provide average consumers the opportunity to avoid eating slimy white dirt. And yet, the Cortland remains one of New York’s top produced apples, an enigma that further denigrates the shameful pedigree of The Big Crapple.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Cider Apple

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
CORTLAND APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

McIntosh x Ben David

ORIGIN

Geneva, NY

YEAR

1898

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Sour Apple, Cooking, Cider

OTHER NAMES

LaMont, Starkspur, Redcort,

Early Geneva

Rome Apple Review

"Queen of the Baking Apple"

28
Despicable
Rome Apple

The Rome Apple (named after Rome Township, Ohio – not Italy) tastes like an unscented urinal cake lodged in a Gladiator helmet. Perplexingly tasteless and drier than Cicero’s wit, the inedible choking hazard it calls skin becomes a happy memory once you come face-to-face with the chalky ashes of Nero’s victims within. And yet, despite being a revolting munching apple, the Ohio Rome (again, not Italy) stays relevant by holding the appellation “Queen of the Baking Apple”. A true Adonis, this undeniable beauty retains its shape and form even when hollowed and baked, developing a richer flavor once cooked. So when in Rome (Ohio)…do as the Romans do – and bake your fruit.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5
ROME APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Heirloom

ORIGIN

Rome Township, Ohio

YEAR

1817

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Baked Apples

OTHER NAMES

Gillet’s Seedling,

Red Rome, Rome Beauty, 

Baker’s Buddy

King David Apple Review

"The Tart of Arkansas"

72
Pretty Good
King David Apple

🏅 #3 RANKED SOUR APPLE

A tart heirloom discovered by the legendary Stark Brothers in the Ozarks in 1893, this tomato-shaped, mahogany-skinned, assemblage of complex flavors will grab your attention just long enough for you to realize the King is dead. In fact, even the Stark Brothers carelessly discarded the King David Apple once its tenuous grasp on the throne was usurped by the upstart Red Delicious (which won their company’s apple contest the very next year and was quickly trademarked). While King David still rules over a smattering of tiny fiefdoms across America, its empire is a pitiful echo of a reign that never was. If tartness is the rule of the day, look to the Kanzi for a more steadfast leader.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
KING DAVID BIO

PARENTAGE

Jonathan x Arkansas Black

ORIGIN

Arkansas

YEAR

1893

AVAILABILITY

Mid-Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Cider, Sour Apple