apple

Golden Russet Apple Review

"A Putrid Corpse"

22
Despicable
Golden Russet Apple

This putrid, decomposing, death-fruit is a stinking corpse of an apple that would fit nicely in Wednesday Addams’ lunch box. One of the most foul, horrific looking apples that can be found in America, the Golden Russet is contaminated by the rusted sandpaper skin its namesake implies. But astonishingly, this apple’s zombie-like appearance is not its most striking quality. For this repugnant witch’s curse emits a rancid odor that will make you question whether or not you are eating old fish. Storing well through the winter, its flesh is dense, tough, and chewy like an embalmed cadaver (which quickly devolves into mush like a regular cadaver). That being said, it actually tastes better than it looks – which is not saying much. The Golden Russet is only appropriate for cider production and otherwise should be avoided like the plague.

🏅 #2 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
GOLDEN RUSSET BIO

PARENTAGE

English Golden Russet

ORIGIN

New York State

YEAR

1800s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Cider Production

OTHER NAMES

Bullock’s Pippin, Sheep-nose,

American Golden Russet,

Fox Apple, Long Tom

Sunrise Magic Apple Review

"The Orphan Apple"

59
Barely Worth It
Sunrise Magic Apple / Crimson Delight Apple

Originally released in 2011 as WA-2 by Washington State University, this pink-orange pre-cursor to the Cosmic Crisp was destined to inhabit fruit stands as a nameless orphan. That is, until the Apple King of Yakima, WA welcomed this unwanted ragamuffin into its kingdom, endowing it with the moniker: “Crimson Delight.” Five years later, just as this discarded underdog’s new identity took root, WSU emerged from the woodwork like a deadbeat dad looking to cash in on a child’s football scholarship by claiming “WA-2” is actually called the “Sunrise Magic” – and it belonged to them. A masterclass in bungled marketing, the Sunrise Magic / Crimson Delight now finds itself with two names, two fathers, and zero hope.

Not that either name would make a difference. (Sunrise Magic sounds like a poorly conceived brunch cocktail and Crimson Delight sounds like a back-alley sex act.) But more importantly, the fight for custody of this apple is probably not worth the effort in the first place. Its incredible juiciness tastes like water from a public water fountain. Its crispness is undercut by somewhat mealy flesh. Its finicky temperament requires two weeks of room temperature storage to “awaken the flavor.” In other words, regardless of who wins custody, this apple will likely find its way back into foster care where it will languish in obscurity.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
SUNRISE MAGIC BIO

PARENTAGE

Splendour x Gala

ORIGIN

Washington State University

YEAR

2011

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

OTHER NAMES

Crimson Delight, WA-2

Ludacrisp Apple Review

"The Dirty South Rapple"

75
Very Good
Ludacrisp Apple

Intentional or not, this hefty behemoth of an apple is named after Dirty South rapper Ludacris of “Move B***** Get Out Da Way” fame. The word ludicrous is spelled with an “I”. The rapper Ludacris is spelled with an “A”. And so, naming an apple Ludacrisp (with an “A”) is an obvious homage to the early-2000s undisputed king of southern hospitality. Yet, in a baffling omission, the Midwest Apple Improvement Association seems to purposely ignore this blatant connection:

“The name Ludacrisp® is a play on the word “ludicrous,” meaning something that is absurd, joking, nonsensical, and playful. The apple’s name was created to make people smile.”

And so, just like the Spotify playlists of the midwest farmers who named it, Ludacris is nowhere to be found. Admittedly, it would be difficult to sell a supermarket on a dirty south rapple with a sign that says “Move Pears Get Out Da Way.” Perhaps it’s best the connection remain unspoken, and those who know, just know?

To be fair, the discoverer of this apple wished to call it the “Juicy Fruit” – because it tastes like the shitty gum. Which is not only a stupid name – it is also a trademarked name and therefore, impossible. However, Juicy Fruit may be a more appropriate label than Ludacrisp since while this apple is only moderately crispy, it is, in fact, ludicrously juicy. As juicy as a ho’s ass – as Luda might say. On the flip side, like Luda’s raunchy lyrics, this apple packs a powerful flavor-punch that will remain incredibly divisive.

And so, despite the confusion surrounding the name, the Ludacrisp is a must-try apple. After one ho-smacking bite, you’ll either be calling the FCC to have it banned, or telling the other apples in your fridge to get out da way.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Juiciness

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
LUDACRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp

ORIGIN

Pataskala, Ohio

YEAR

2019

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Cider, Muching, Salads

OTHER NAMES

Juicy Fruit, MAIA-L

Green Dragon Apple Review

"A Disenchanting Legend"

59
Barely Worth It
Green Dragon Apple

A mythical Japanese heirloom from the 1920s, this smallish, freckly, green beast has been reborn in the modern-day Pacific Northwest and masterfully re-branded by apple alchemists as the mighty Green DragonTM. But despite finding success as an Asian export, the days of yore when dragons ruled the Earth shall not be relived. For any that dare venture into the depths of the Green Dragon’s lair may be rewarded by a treasure-trove of flavor complexities but will be quickly punished by a bruise resistant dragon-scale skin that will cut into your throat like the blade of Excalibur. With each bite, any initial juicy burst dissipates instantaneously as if met by white-hot dragon-fire as the saccharine sweetness, only matched by a maiden’s embrace, fades into the realm of forgotten lore. Alas, this dragon is not the staggering legend the packaging portends. And, thus, those galant souls who brought this underwhelming monster back into the fold are, sadly, unworthy of a knighthood.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / CONSISTENCY
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
GREEN DRAGON BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Indo

ORIGIN

Japan

YEAR

1920s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Washu 1984

Jonathan Apple Review

"An Odd Homeschooled Boy"

39
Horse Food
Jonathan Apple

🏅 #6 RANKED CIDER APPLE

This mealy disgrace, named after the boy in your third-grade class who always had dirt on his face, has the consistency of old snow wrapped in electrical tape. The only thing more difficult than getting past the off-putting name of “Jonathan” – a fine name for a boy with a lollipop but not for a fruit – is burrowing through the leathery deep-red skin shrouding its mushy innards. A quite handsome apple with exceptional juiciness, Jonathan once held so much promise, but this early 19th century heirloom is destined to be homeschooled as it is too sensitive (to both disease and bruising) to flourish in a normal setting. The best we can hope for from sweet, little Jonathan is a decent juice or cider, but in all likelihood this apple will slowly fade from our sight and memory only to be loved by its own mother.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
JONATHAN BIO

PARENTAGE

 Esopus Spitzenburg

ORIGIN

Woodstock, NY or Ohio Wilds

YEAR

1796 or 1826

AVAILABILITY

Fall

BEST USES

Cider or Juice

OTHER NAMES

Ricks Apple

Melrose Apple Review

"The All-American Apple"

43
Horse Food
Melrose Apple

This WWII-era tank-fruit is a daunting behemoth that could easily smash in a Nazi’s skull if hurled at close range. Dense, thick-skinned, and great in an apple pie, this state apple of Ohio may be the most American apple on Earth. But don’t fill your victory garden with Melrose trees just yet. Like war, this apple is ugly, and despite a decently tart taste, the Melrose could never overcome its ungainly thick skin and gruesome appearance. Growers even tried to breed the ugliness out of the apple in the 1970s but like most American exploits in the 70s, failed miserably. So I say, salute The Greatest Generation by skinning this apple and baking it in a pie, but when it comes to your kitchen it’s best if the Melrose went AWOL.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
MELROSE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Jonathan x Red Delicious

ORIGIN

Wooster, Ohio

YEAR

1944

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Baking, Apple Pie

Blondee Apple Review

"The Mutant Gala"

62
Barely Worth It
Blondee Apple

At the turn of the millennium Tom and Bob McLaughlin (not to be confused with midwest radio hosts Bob and Tom) were taking a folksy stroll through their orchard when something caught their eye. A yellow apple growing on a Gala tree. Now, everyone and their mother knows that Gala apples are red. Not yellow. So how did this freckly, golden invader come to pass? Well – it turns out it was a mutant. A cosmic fluke. An aberration. We’ve all seen variations on a tree before. They’re called “sports” in apple parlance. But a yellow apple growing on a Red Gala tree? Someone call Maury! Or maybe Professor X.

Now, ol’ Tom and Bob may have simple names, but they have big ideas, and this “Yellow Gala”, as it is sometimes referred, was to be cultivated as a brand new apple that would become known as The Blondee – which is a fine name but I personally think the name “Mutant Gala” would’ve sold more apples.

Fascinating origin story aside, the Blondee apple is not the evolutionary superior to the Gala. A little too dense and not quite juicy enough, this rather crunchy, rare early-season yellow apple has a decent flavor complexity ranging from spicy to sweet. But, all-in-all, nothing about this apple warrants the effort it would take to acquire. Basically, if this mutant was an X-Men character, it probably wouldn’t make it into the movies.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
BLONDEE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x

Kidd’s Orange Red

ORIGIN

Portsmouth, Ohio

YEAR

2012

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Platters, Salads

OTHER NAMES

The Yellow Gala

MiApple Apple Review

"The Narc of Apples"

39
Horse Food

This bizarrely packaged mini-apple is what an alien would put in your cell at a human zoo if it was trying to feed you “authentic Earth-food”. I’m not sure an apple can qualify as a “narc” but, it certainly feels like this perfectly manicured, corporate shill is trying way too hard to prove it is, in fact, an apple. Sold in either a box that could just as easily contain a DVD player, or a hermetically-sealed bag adorned with stock photos of athletic white folks, the MiApple (which I can only guess is pronounced My-Apple, and not the pirate-esque Me-Apple) attempts to attract customers with pithy, bleached, robot-speak slogans that include the word “mi” instead of “my“. Do the phrases “mi body fuel” and “mi energy boost” do anything for you? Of course not.

That being said, like a soul-crushing job that pays just enough to stomach, this colossal misfire of a marketing ploy could be overlooked if the apple tasted decent. But, alas, what we have here is a mealy, juiceless, thick-skinned, replica of an apple that will have no place in MiHouse.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
MIAPPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Fuji

ORIGIN

Australia

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Decoration

Braeburn Apple Review

"The Civil Rights Apple"

73
Pretty Good
Braeburn Apple

🏅 #4 RANKED SOUR APPLE

Back in the 1950s, in a time when single-colored apples ruled the day (see Red Delicious vs. Golden Delicious), the upstart New Zealand Braeburn shocked the world with a blasphemous skin boasting two colors at once: red and green. Despite the protestations of backwards apple purists desperately clinging to the bygone days of single-color apples, the Braeburn’s complex and stupendous flavor was undeniable; this multi-toned interloper was here to stay. And stay it did, becoming one of the most popular apples worldwide for the next seven decades.

Why can’t I find Braeburn Apples anymore?

In today’s fast-paced apple world this sweet-tart, spicy maverick may at long last be obsolete. Lacking the consistency of modern apples, and suffering from difficulties like Braeburn Browning Disorder due to higher internal carbon dioxide concentrations, enterprising breeders began looking for Braeburn descendants that could replace its parent (and be trademarked for profit of course). And so, the ungrateful children of the Braeburn: Envy, Jazz, Sweetie, and Kanzi are sweeping this trailblazing old-timer into oblivion, leaving no room on the grocery store shelf for the apple to whom they owe so much.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Historical Significance

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
BRAEBURN BIO

PARENTAGE

Lady Hamilton x Granny Smith

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

1952

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Pies, Munching, Sour Apple

Golden Delicious Apple Review

"The West Virginia Has-Been"

33
Horse Food
Golden Delicious Apple

The official state fruit of West Virginia, this green-yellow beauty saw its heyday in the Progressive Era when marketed by the Stark Bros as a companion apple to the, then blockbuster smash hit, Red Delicious. One hundred years later, with our collective distaste for the Red Delicious fully realized, this ill-fated adopted brother may as well be called the “Golden Bin Laden.” Fortunately, for consumers who have rightfully shied away from this fading memory of an apple, the mushy, bland, juiceless, Golden Delicious doesn’t bring much to the table aside from fathering better apples and having a nice looking exterior fit for a 2013 U.S. Postal Stamp.

🏅 #8 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5
GOLDEN DELICIOUS BIO

PARENTAGE

Grimes Golden x Golden Reinette

ORIGIN

West Virginia

YEAR

1905

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Apple Sauce, Apple Butter, Cider

OTHER NAMES

Mullin’s Yellow Seedling, 

Annit Apple, Yellow Delicious

Kiku Apple Review

"A Fuji In Disguise"

42
Horse Food
Kiku Apple

Buyer beware! This exclusive Italian club apple is nothing more than a Fuji off-shoot rebranded as an undiscovered Pokemon. Known as a “sport” apple, the Kiku is a variant of its Fuji parent found growing on the same tree – only slightly redder and larger. But, make no mistake, this is not the evolutionary Blastoise to the Fuji’s Squirtle. In fact, a Kiku is nearly indistinguishable from a Fuji aside from its increased cost, decreased availability, and being named after a Japanese anime girl’s sneeze.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
KIKU APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Fuji Sport

ORIGIN

Japan / Italy

YEAR

2010

AVAILABILITY

Late Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Applesauce

OTHER NAMES

Fuji

Koru (Plumac) Apple Review

"The Middle of the Pack"

55
Barely Worth It
Koru (Plumac) Apple

The Koru Apple (brand name of the Plumac Apple) is the definition of middling. Peacefully existing at the precise midpoint of the apple-quality spectrum, this New Zealand born chance seedling is the superior apple’s ambassador to shit. Discovered in a grower’s rose garden in the exact spot where his mother-in-law tossed a batch of rotten apples, the Koru’s origin is symbolic of its quality: one part rose, one part rotted trash. In an ironic twist, the slogan of the Koru is “Escape Ordinary” which should be read less like a superlative and more like this passable fruit’s aspirational desire.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
KORU APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Fuji

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2013

AVAILABILITY

Late Spring – Summer

BEST USES

Baking, Salads, Sparkling Juice

OTHER NAMES

Plumac

EverCrisp Apple Review

"The Jawbreaker"

70
Pretty Good
EverCrisp Apple

The EverCrisp Apple is a sickeningly sweet colossus of impenetrable construction that will delight the most saccharine taste buds of children everywhere. Truly, the Jawbreaker of apples, this nectarous midwestern rock candy will shatter the sweet tooth of all those who dare engage in its consumption. A cross between a Honeycrisp and Fuji, the EverCrisp takes the strengths of both apples to the extreme, birthing a single syrupy flavor note bursting out of each supremely juicy, satisfyingly crisp bite. A disappointment for fans of tang, tart, or any flavor complexity whatsoever, the EverCrisp is a must-try for all those looking for their next sugary fix.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4.5/5

Red Apple Icon
4.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
EVERCRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Fuji

ORIGIN

Indiana / Ohio

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Early Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

OTHER NAMES

MAIA-1

Pazazz Apple Review

"The Desperate Musical Theater Major"

60
Barely Worth It
Pazazz Apple


A hefty prize horse created by honeybees in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, the Pazazz Apple will elbow its way into your mouth like a musical theater major looking for acceptance and leave behind a mild taste as memorable as said student’s inevitably disappointing career. Each bite of the Pazazz is a masterclass in stage hand-combat (particularly if you pick up the larger non-bagged varieties) forcing you to contend with a formidable construction and razor-sharp skin that will end your singing career early. All in all, the Pazazz Apple is “a lot”. However, if you can move past the cries of desperation that surround it, you will find exceptional juiciness and a good crisp bite that may be worth, at the very least, an audition with your tastebuds.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
PAZAZZ APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Unknown

ORIGIN

Eau Claire, Wisconsin

YEAR

2016

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

OTHER NAMES

The Jolly Rancher Apple

GoldRush Apple Review

"A Goldmine of Flavor"

76
Very Good
GoldRush Apple

🏅 #1 RANKED CIDER APPLE  | 🏅 #2 RANKED YELLOW APPLE

This pockmarked goiter on a prospector’s neck proves that looks aren’t everything as digging in to this juicy nugget provides a goldmine of spritely flavors ranging from tart to sweet. Searching for gold does not come without hardship however, as the GoldRush Apple has a thicker than desired skin that would require a sturdy pick-axe in the off-season. Thankfully, the lands out west (or confusingly Indiana in this case) graced the GoldRush Apple with a long growing season and an eye-popping shelf-life of seven full months. This is why any experienced mountaineer can tell you that stocking up on these precious apples to get through the harsh winter is a plan as good as gold.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Cider Apple, +2 Longevity

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
GOLDRUSH BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Winesap

Melrose / Rome / Beauty

ORIGIN

Purdue University

YEAR

1993

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Dessert, Hard Cider

OTHER NAMES

Co-op38

Empire Apple Review

"A Spunky Optimist"

65
Mediocre
Empire Apple

Coming from humble beginnings, the Empire Apple manages to break free from its backwoods Red Delicious and McIntosh upbringing to strike out on its own in the unforgiving and inconsistent apple behemoth that is New York State (The Empire State). With a fascinating flavor profile some describe as “melon”, “pineapple”, or *gag* “elderflower” (if you are a pretentious liar who claims to know what elderflower tastes like), this well-balanced juicy optimist has just enough gumption and spunk to survive in a dog-eat-dog, apple-eat-apple world.

Unfortunately – like a down-home twang you just can’t seem to shake – no apple can fully escape its roots, as piercing barbed-wire skin and slightly mealy flesh serve as shadows of the Empire’s shameful past. It’s true, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere – and while the Empire has survived in New York, it’ll be up to future generations to spawn a kingdom that outgrows the region.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
EMPIRE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x McIntosh

ORIGIN

Cornell University

YEAR

1945

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Sauce

OTHER NAMES

Royal Empire, Crown Empire,

Teeple Red Empire

Cortland Apple Review

"A Damp Hacky Sack"

52
Barely Worth It
Cortland Apple

🏅 #8 RANKED SOUR APPLE |🏅 #9 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Aside from the striking white flesh and splash of tartness, there’s not much good that can be said about the damp hacky sack left outside a frat house all winter known as the Cortland Apple. Discovered in 1898, in the remarkably not Cortland city of Geneva, NY this flattened McIntosh sandbag of shit continues the age-old tradition of dragging the apple reputation of New York State into the sewer. A cold weather apple that can’t stay fresh for very long, the not-Geneva Apple loses its fledgling tartness, paltry sweetness, and illusory crispness too quickly to provide average consumers the opportunity to avoid eating slimy white dirt. And yet, the Cortland remains one of New York’s top produced apples, an enigma that further denigrates the shameful pedigree of The Big Crapple.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Cider Apple

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
CORTLAND APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

McIntosh x Ben David

ORIGIN

Geneva, NY

YEAR

1898

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Sour Apple, Cooking, Cider

OTHER NAMES

LaMont, Starkspur, Redcort,

Early Geneva

Sweetie Apple Review

"A Watery Grave"

51
Not Worth Eating
Sweetie Apples

This oblong, Salvador Dali-esque, warp-fruit generously tilts its way off your table in what can only be described as a philanthropic suicide attempt. Its obvious cry for help is understandable as no apple could continually bare to live with crunch after crunch of disappointment as an initial juicy flavor burst full of potential quickly dissipates into a very watery grave. Failing to live up to its sugary namesake, failing to live up to its Braeburn x Royal Gala heritage, failing to live up to even its initial bite, the Sweetie would be better served if it were much worse – at least then it would be worth discussing.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
SWEETIE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

Stayman Winesap Apple Review

"A Civil War Era Mistake"

41
Horse Food
Stayman's Winesap Apple

Wrap a damp tee ball in an old t-shirt and you will begin to experience the masochistic horror that is the Stayman Winesap Apple. Each jaw-breaking bite is taken on the chin like a punch from Apollo Creed, and then followed by an interesting wine-like flavor that is most likely comprised of 40% tooth blood. The semi-tart wallop bellowing forth from this tank-fruit is absorbed by a hardened cloth-like skin that drapes down your neck like a swallowed roll of used medical gauze. Discovered in Leavenworth County, Kansas in 1866 by Dr. Joseph Stayman as a seedling of the Winesap Apple, for some reason the apple world (helmed by the Stark Bros.) quickly deemed this new cultivar as worthy of national attention. It must be assumed that anything outside of the murder fields of Gettysburg was welcome in this troublesome post Civil War era.

🏅 #5 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
STAYMAN WINESAP BIO

PARENTAGE

Winesap

ORIGIN

Kansas

YEAR

1866

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Cider, Pies

OTHER NAMES

Virginia Stayman, Stayman

WineCrisp Apple Review

"A Bottom-Shelf Vintage"

65
Mediocre
WineCrisp Apples

The purple-hued WineCrisp Apple boasts a complex flavor profile that would give a pretentious sommelier quite a lot to blab about. Sweet and juicy with notes of berry, spice, and dare I say, citrus?, the purveyors of this finely-crafted 2008 vintage from the Illinois region bred their stock with taste in mind – a taste which improves with time, as flavors enhance after thirty days of cold storage. Sadly, this exotic debutante is overwhelmed by subtle hints of “knife-skin” stabbing your throat like the cheap corkscrew you left in your first apartment. Additionally, the robust flesh is so densely packed it feels almost indestructible. Serviceable for a night at home, the WineCrisp is best left in the cellar when entertaining or on special occasions. Pairs well with dessert.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
WINECRISP APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Cox’s Orange Pippin x Rome x

Jonathan x Newtown Pippin x

Crab apple

ORIGIN

PRI – Purdue U., Rutgers U., 

U. of Illinois Cooperative

Breeding Project

YEAR

2008

AVAILABILITY

Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Dessert

OTHER NAMES

Co-op 31

Top Secret Apple Review

"A Dead-End Conspiracy Theory"

58
Barely Worth It
Top Secret Apple

Not much is known about this mystery apple still being concocted in upstate New York by the likely Illuminati backed powers-that-be at the Honeycrisp Orchards. Pivotal information such as lineage, robustness, and breeding are being held under strict lock and key leaving the unworthy masses of sheeple in the dark about this fruity enigma. Unfortunately, this is one secret that may be best kept under wraps. Extremely juicy, yes, but with lizard skin worthy of a Reptilian shape-shifter and a taste as unpleasant as a conversation with Alex Jones this apple should be ignored like an unhinged post on 4Chan.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
TOP SECRET APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

???

ORIGIN

Marlboro, New York

YEAR

Not Yet Released

AVAILABILITY

???

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Name Change Forthcoming

Rome Apple Review

"Queen of the Baking Apple"

28
Despicable
Rome Apple

The Rome Apple (named after Rome Township, Ohio – not Italy) tastes like an unscented urinal cake lodged in a Gladiator helmet. Perplexingly tasteless and drier than Cicero’s wit, the inedible choking hazard it calls skin becomes a happy memory once you come face-to-face with the chalky ashes of Nero’s victims within. And yet, despite being a revolting munching apple, the Ohio Rome (again, not Italy) stays relevant by holding the appellation “Queen of the Baking Apple”. A true Adonis, this undeniable beauty retains its shape and form even when hollowed and baked, developing a richer flavor once cooked. So when in Rome (Ohio)…do as the Romans do – and bake your fruit.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5
ROME APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Heirloom

ORIGIN

Rome Township, Ohio

YEAR

1817

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Baked Apples

OTHER NAMES

Gillet’s Seedling,

Red Rome, Rome Beauty, 

Baker’s Buddy

Rockit Apple Review

"Bite-Sized Space Junk"

59
Barely Worth It
Rockit Apples

These bite-sized lumps of space junk are more of a celestial fascination than an apple. Cutting-edge technology places each reddish star child in a plastic bottle rocket, pre-washed and ready to eat like an astronaut’s prefab lunch. This allows weary travelers to munch these singularities straight from the fridge-space-nightmare bucket without fear of contracting cosmic bacteria. Unfortunately, each exceptionally crunchy bite is decimated by an apparent black hole, instantly sucking all taste and juiciness into inescapable oblivion. This phenomenon creates an unfathomable anti-matter apple leaving you munching a nothingness too profound to comprehend. Are these apples the dark matter physicists have been in search of for decades? I wouldn’t rule it out.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Good for Kids, +1 Innovation

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
ROCKIT APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Splendor

ORIGIN

Hawkes Bay, New Zealand

YEAR

2010

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Travel Snack, Kids Snack

Jonagold Apple Review

"A Forgettable College Friend"

57
Barely Worth It
Jonagold Apple

This bi-colored New York bred forget-me-fruit will vanish from your memory bank like the Ivy League School at which it was developed (Cornell University). A middling sweet-tart taste and ordinary crunch is double majored with granular apple meat and electrical tape skin. The Jonagold is a C-student which took advantage of its privileged upbringing by frequently studying abroad, particularly in Belgium where it accounts for nearly 70 percent of that nation’s apple production. But, make no mistake, no amount of international travel can make this blockable Facebook friend interesting enough to invite to your next dinner party.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
JONAGOLD APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Jonathan

ORIGIN

Cornell University, New York

YEAR

1953

AVAILABILITY

Fall

BEST USES

Desserts, Apple Cider

OTHER NAMES

Jonared, Decosta, Primo,

Rubinstar, Red Jonaprince