good apples

Wolf River Apple Review

"The Midwestern Sledgehammer"

40
Horse Food
Wolf River Apple

🏅 #3 RANKED BAKING APPLE

This puke-stained Wisconsin bowling ball of an apple could hammer a rusty nail into a slab of frozen concrete. Disturbingly solid like a northern lake in the dead of winter, it would be entirely justified to eat this fruit while wearing a helmet. If a power auger is on hand to penetrate the Wolf River’s unforgiving surface, rugged eaters will be rewarded for their toil with a lakebed of barely dampened, quickly-browning undergirth contaminated by deceptively tart agricultural runoff. Only to be used as a robust baking or drying fruit, the Wolf River Apple feels more at home in a frontier cabin’s tool shed than a grocery store shelf.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Self-Pollinating (grows true to seed), +1 Baking, +1 Apple Butter

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / CONSISTENCY
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
WOLF RIVER BIO

PARENTAGE

Russian Alexander x Unknown

ORIGIN

Fremont, Wisconsin

Near Wolf River

YEAR

1856

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall

BEST USES

Baking, Dried Apples, Apple Butter

Zestar! Apple Review

"The Failed Magician"

53
Not Worth Eating
Zestar! Apple

Unworthy of the exclamation point that follows this failed magician’s catchphrase of an apple, the Zestar! delivers an underwhelming performance featuring an array of disillusioning tricks that would make a lowly pear seem magical. Be amazed as its leathery skin sloughs off like a sheet covering a tacky stage prop. Let your imagination run wild as its ill-constructed flesh turns to brown mush before your eyes! Sit back in awe as a snappy torrent of juiciness is accompanied by a flavor that disappears in an instant! Did the heretofore promised hint of brown sugar even exist? Who cares? It’s gone now. And all sales are final! But despite conjuring a litany of disappointment, the Zestar! preserved enough redeemable qualities to pull at least one impressive trick out of its sleeve: It sired the otherworldly SweeTango Apple – an astounding feat that justifies a life of sub-optimal wizardry.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Lineage

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / CONSISTENCY
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5
ZESTAR! BIO

PARENTAGE

State Fair x MN1691

ORIGIN

University of Minnesota

YEAR

1999

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Minnewashta

Ruby Jon Apple Review

"A Spirited Himbo"

59
Barely Worth It
Ruby Jon Apple

A blisteringly hot himbo of deep crimson complexion, RubyJon is truly a feast for the eyes. A sport (variety from the same tree) of the peculiar Jonathan Apple, this magnetic vision of an idealized form is a stunning delight to behold, unblemished and over-confident, fit to be wielded in temptation by Queen Grimhilde herself. But like most objects which are upsettingly attractive, RubyJon is quite dense and lacks the personality to justify its external advantage. Delivering an initial thrust of satisfying tartness, this apple straddles the line between mealy and crisp, juicy and dry, and is draped with a hefty skin, soiling its initial enchantment. Not to be totally disregarded, RubyJon is an exhilarating piece of eye candy well-suited for an hour of harmless fun in the backroom of a Chippendales.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Beauty

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / CONSISTENCY
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
RUBY JON BIO

PARENTAGE

Jonathan Sport

ORIGIN

Northeast US

YEAR

Unknown

AVAILABILITY

Fall

BEST USES

Munching,  Applesauce, Cider

OTHER NAMES

Jackson Johnson

Pink Pearl Apple Review

"The Red Scare"

72
Pretty Good
Pink Pearl Apple

🏅 #7 RANKED SOUR APPLE

This freakish goblin-fruit was cobbled together in the 1940s by a deranged horticulturist hell-bent on terrorizing super-market shoppers as they drifted through their desultory post-war malaise. An exquisitely tart, swamp beast of an apple, the true horror of this Karloffian-era monstrosity lies within, as its translucent alien-skin gives way to a red, bleeding flesh portending the hidden Communist threat that would soon dominate the nightmares of a generation. Tantalizing for a brief hypnotic moment, the Pink Pearl can only maintain its integrity for a short time (about two weeks after being picked) before crumbling under its own corrupt ideals, leaving behind a mealy, juiceless, failed state that must be driven back to the diabolical orchards from which it emerged.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Uniqueness

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / CONSISTENCY
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
PINK PEARL BIO

PARENTAGE

Surprise x Rosaceae Family

ORIGIN

California

YEAR

1944

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Party Tray,

Applesauce, Baking,  Sour Apple

OTHER NAMES

Etter Surprise

Ludacrisp Apple Review

"The Dirty South Rapple"

75
Very Good
Ludacrisp Apple

Intentional or not, this hefty behemoth of an apple is named after Dirty South rapper Ludacris of “Move B***** Get Out Da Way” fame. The word ludicrous is spelled with an “I”. The rapper Ludacris is spelled with an “A”. And so, naming an apple Ludacrisp (with an “A”) is an obvious homage to the early-2000s undisputed king of southern hospitality. Yet, in a baffling omission, the Midwest Apple Improvement Association seems to purposely ignore this blatant connection:

“The name Ludacrisp® is a play on the word “ludicrous,” meaning something that is absurd, joking, nonsensical, and playful. The apple’s name was created to make people smile.”

And so, just like the Spotify playlists of the midwest farmers who named it, Ludacris is nowhere to be found. Admittedly, it would be difficult to sell a supermarket on a dirty south rapple with a sign that says “Move Pears Get Out Da Way.” Perhaps it’s best the connection remain unspoken, and those who know, just know?

To be fair, the discoverer of this apple wished to call it the “Juicy Fruit” – because it tastes like the shitty gum. Which is not only a stupid name – it is also a trademarked name and therefore, impossible. However, Juicy Fruit may be a more appropriate label than Ludacrisp since while this apple is only moderately crispy, it is, in fact, ludicrously juicy. As juicy as a ho’s ass – as Luda might say. On the flip side, like Luda’s raunchy lyrics, this apple packs a powerful flavor-punch that will remain incredibly divisive.

And so, despite the confusion surrounding the name, the Ludacrisp is a must-try apple. After one ho-smacking bite, you’ll either be calling the FCC to have it banned, or telling the other apples in your fridge to get out da way.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Juiciness

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
LUDACRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp

ORIGIN

Pataskala, Ohio

YEAR

2019

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Cider, Muching, Salads

OTHER NAMES

Juicy Fruit, MAIA-L

Macoun Apple Review

"The One-Night Stand"

63
Barely Worth It
Macoun Apple

The Macoun Apple (pronounced “Mc-cow-an” after Canadian horticulturist W.T. McCown – not “Mc-Coon”, which is basically a racial slur wrapped in a Happy Meal) is a fragile, purplish himbo that will blow you away for one magical night of ecstasy before dissipating into a slush-ball of regret the moment the sun comes up.

Developed in 1920s Upstate New York, this gaslighting flirt deceptively charms the unsuspecting and lonesome with its ultra-thin skin, complex berry-like flavor and solid crunch present when picked at peak freshness directly from a tree. But like a booty call that decides to stay for breakfast, any flicker of a notion at a long-term relationship is quickly dashed as this actually quite disgusting dirtbag turns into a mealy, tasteless flesh-sack within days of being brought home. And after two weeks…you are dealing with nothing but a repulsive bag of ass rooting around your fridge as you get ready for work.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5
MACOUN APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

McIntosh x Jersey Black

ORIGIN

Geneva, NY

YEAR

1923

AVAILABILITY

Two Weeks In Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Pies

Braeburn Apple Review

"The Civil Rights Apple"

73
Pretty Good
Braeburn Apple

🏅 #4 RANKED SOUR APPLE |🏅 #7 RANKED BAKING APPLE

Back in the 1950s, in a time when single-colored apples ruled the day (see Red Delicious vs. Golden Delicious), the upstart New Zealand Braeburn shocked the world with a blasphemous skin boasting two colors at once: red and green. Despite the protestations of backwards apple purists desperately clinging to the bygone days of single-color apples, the Braeburn’s complex and stupendous flavor was undeniable; this multi-toned interloper was here to stay. And stay it did, becoming one of the most popular apples worldwide for the next seven decades.

Why can’t I find Braeburn Apples anymore?

In today’s fast-paced apple world this sweet-tart, spicy maverick may at long last be obsolete. Lacking the consistency of modern apples, and suffering from difficulties like Braeburn Browning Disorder due to higher internal carbon dioxide concentrations, enterprising breeders began looking for Braeburn descendants that could replace its parent (and be trademarked for profit of course). And so, the ungrateful children of the Braeburn: Envy, Jazz, Sweetie, and Kanzi are sweeping this trailblazing old-timer into oblivion, leaving no room on the grocery store shelf for the apple to whom they owe so much.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Historical Significance, +1 Baking

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
BRAEBURN BIO

PARENTAGE

Lady Hamilton x Granny Smith

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

1952

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Baking, Munching, Sour Apple

GoldRush Apple Review

"A Goldmine of Flavor"

76
Very Good
GoldRush Apple

🏅 #1 RANKED CIDER APPLE  | 🏅 #2 RANKED YELLOW APPLE

This pockmarked goiter on a prospector’s neck proves that looks aren’t everything as digging in to this juicy nugget provides a goldmine of spritely flavors ranging from tart to sweet. Searching for gold does not come without hardship however, as the GoldRush Apple has a thicker than desired skin that would require a sturdy pick-axe in the off-season. Thankfully, the lands out west (or confusingly Indiana in this case) graced the GoldRush Apple with a long growing season and an eye-popping shelf-life of seven full months. This is why any experienced mountaineer can tell you that stocking up on these precious apples to get through the harsh winter is a plan as good as gold.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Cider Apple, +2 Longevity

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
GOLDRUSH BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Winesap

Melrose / Rome / Beauty

ORIGIN

Purdue University

YEAR

1993

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Dessert, Hard Cider

OTHER NAMES

Co-op38

Stayman Winesap Apple Review

"A Civil War Era Mistake"

41
Horse Food
Stayman's Winesap Apple

Wrap a damp tee ball in an old t-shirt and you will begin to experience the masochistic horror that is the Stayman Winesap Apple. Each jaw-breaking bite is taken on the chin like a punch from Apollo Creed, and then followed by an interesting wine-like flavor that is most likely comprised of 40% tooth blood. The semi-tart wallop bellowing forth from this tank-fruit is absorbed by a hardened cloth-like skin that drapes down your neck like a swallowed roll of used medical gauze. Discovered in Leavenworth County, Kansas in 1866 by Dr. Joseph Stayman as a seedling of the Winesap Apple, for some reason the apple world (helmed by the Stark Bros.) quickly deemed this new cultivar as worthy of national attention. It must be assumed that anything outside of the murder fields of Gettysburg was welcome in this troublesome post Civil War era.

🏅 #5 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
STAYMAN WINESAP BIO

PARENTAGE

Winesap

ORIGIN

Kansas

YEAR

1866

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Cider, Pies

OTHER NAMES

Virginia Stayman, Stayman

WineCrisp Apple Review

"A Bottom-Shelf Vintage"

65
Mediocre
WineCrisp Apples

The purple-hued WineCrisp Apple boasts a complex flavor profile that would give a pretentious sommelier quite a lot to blab about. Sweet and juicy with notes of berry, spice, and dare I say, citrus?, the purveyors of this finely-crafted 2008 vintage from the Illinois region bred their stock with taste in mind – a taste which improves with time, as flavors enhance after thirty days of cold storage. Sadly, this exotic debutante is overwhelmed by subtle hints of “knife-skin” stabbing your throat like the cheap corkscrew you left in your first apartment. Additionally, the robust flesh is so densely packed it feels almost indestructible. Serviceable for a night at home, the WineCrisp is best left in the cellar when entertaining or on special occasions. Pairs well with dessert.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
WINECRISP APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Cox’s Orange Pippin x Rome x

Jonathan x Newtown Pippin x

Crab apple

ORIGIN

PRI – Purdue U., Rutgers U., 

U. of Illinois Cooperative

Breeding Project

YEAR

2008

AVAILABILITY

Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Dessert

OTHER NAMES

Co-op 31

Rockit Apple Review

"Bite-Sized Space Junk"

59
Barely Worth It
Rockit Apples

These bite-sized lumps of space junk are more of a celestial fascination than an apple. Cutting-edge technology places each reddish star child in a plastic bottle rocket, pre-washed and ready to eat like an astronaut’s prefab lunch. This allows weary travelers to munch these singularities straight from the fridge-space-nightmare bucket without fear of contracting cosmic bacteria. Unfortunately, each exceptionally crunchy bite is decimated by an apparent black hole, instantly sucking all taste and juiciness into inescapable oblivion. This phenomenon creates an unfathomable anti-matter apple leaving you munching a nothingness too profound to comprehend. Are these apples the dark matter physicists have been in search of for decades? I wouldn’t rule it out.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Good for Kids, +1 Innovation

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
ROCKIT APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Splendor

ORIGIN

Hawkes Bay, New Zealand

YEAR

2010

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Travel Snack, Kids Snack

Juici (Juic!) Apple Review

"A Pandering Litigious Gigolo"

65
Mediocre
Juici Apple

The Juic! Apple (pronounced “Juicy” and not “Jwik!” as the spelling would imply) is a controversial, social media influencer backed, try-hard whose positive qualities are mired by an absolute shit personality. Bred in idyllic Wenatchee, Washington with powerhouse parents Honeycrisp and Braeburn, this apple is thin-skinned, long-lasting, has a great crunch, and above all is incredibly juicy (or Juic! as some spell it).

But don’t be fooled by the failed Olympics logo that brands the Juic! DeliteTM – none of the aforementioned superlatives can compensate for an insipid flavor profile that lacks any discernible character. Worst of all, this litigious gigolo sued small-town apple growers in New England for trying to rebrand their Jonagold Apple to the JuicyGold. No one in Appleandia should own the word “Juicy”. The lawsuits, the social media influencer outreach, and the name with an ! at the end all scream of corporate execs pandering to younger generations and falling on their face with an audible Jwik!

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
JUICI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Braeburn

ORIGIN

Wenatchee, Washington

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Juicing

OTHER NAMES

Juici Delite TM

SnapDragon Apple Review

"A Chomp-Worthy Newcomer"

87
Excellent
SnapDragon Apple

This chomp-worthy newcomer from Cornell University’s Apple Breeding Program is the company rival to the parallel developed Ruby Frost. But that thick-skinned ice queen is incinerated by the SnapDragon’s crisp flesh, exceptional juiciness, and expectation-surpassing “Monster Crunch.” A semi-unsightly mythical offspring of the Honeycrisp, the fantastically branded SnapDragon is endowed with its mother’s best familial qualities that have secured the reign of her wide-ranging empire for the past several decades.

However, if the Honeycrisp empire were bequeathed to the SnapDragon it would quickly fall. Despite its titanic crunch, mellow flavor notes of what some may describe as “vanilla” or “melon” are far too understated to keep the masses satiated for long. Additionally, with a tree that “lacks vigor”, this dragon has proven to be a monster of a problem for apple breeders hoping to spread their wings beyond New York State.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Branding, +1 Crispness, +1 Density, +1 Flesh

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5
SNAPDRAGON BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x

Golden Delicious x

Monroe x Melrose

ORIGIN

Cornell University, New York

YEAR

2015

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Salads

Sundowner (Cripps Red) Review

"Pink Lady's Ugly Brother"

67
Mediocre
Cripps Red Apple

The ugly brother of the Pink Lady, the Sundowner apple also known as Cripps Red, lacks the panache of its more popular sister but works with what its got to carve out an amicable reputation when not lost in the shadow of its superior sibling. Tart off the tree and sweeter as time goes on, the Sundowner fecklessly swats at a relevance it will never obtain as it attempts to discern an identity apart from “Pink Lady’s brother”. Alas, the writing is on the wall for this genetic lottery loser as it will never overcome its less-than-stellar appearance and upsettingly stupid name to be seen for the complex array of untapped potential it wishes it was.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
SUNDOWNER BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Lady Williams

ORIGIN

Western Australia

YEAR

1973

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Cripps Red, Cripps II, Joya

Candy Crisp Apple Review

"A Pear-Cucked Red Delicious"

69
Mediocre
Candy Crisp Apple

The phenomenally named Candy Crisp Apple out of Marlboro, New York lives up to its name with an astounding crunch, uncommon juiciness, and (if ripe enough) diabetic sweetness. The only problem with this pink blushed, yellow-green, fun lump is that it tastes like a pear. Not even a great pear. An unripe, less-juicy pear that’s been foolishly stored in a refrigerator drawer fated to eternally harden next to a forgotten onion. In fact, if you cut up a Candy Crisp apple and an unripe Bartlett Pear it would make for an incredibly difficult CAPTCHA Test. Nothing against pears but, this half-blood, potentially pear-cucked Red Delicious is basically akin to false advertising.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
CANDY CRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Unknown

ORIGIN

Marlboro, NY

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Munching

Smitten Apple Review

"The Curb Stomp of Apples"

42
Horse Food
Smitten Apple

The curb stomp of apples, this concrete product of a masochistic breeder in New Zealand is so hard that eating it is quite a lot like biting into a rock. The witch-curse they call a tagline for this apple is “Once bitten, forever smitten”, which reads like a warning label for an impending zombie horde attack, is an appropriate motif for an apple that tastes like the guts of an undead corpse. Avoid this mealy rock-fruit at all costs, for the only person Smitten with this apple will be your local orthodontist.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
SMITTEN APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2011

AVAILABILITY

Late Spring – Early Winter

BEST USES

Basket Visual

Opal Apple Review

"A Tasty Unwiped Anus"

82
Excellent
Opal Apple

🏅 #1 RANKED YELLOW APPLE

The Opal apple looks like it shit itself. I apologize for being uncouth but there is no more apt observation. Just look at the top of it. The Opal apple looks like a jaundiced, freckled, unwiped anus. In fact, this may be the ugliest apple of the modern era. That being said, if you’re going to be an ass, you might as well be a good ass. And like a good ass, the Opal apple is exceptionally sweet and juicy. In fact, the complex flavor profile featuring hints of banana, coconut, and pear make this Czech-born, oddly-named monstrosity a delight to consume. And while the outside may be stained with a toddler’s accident, in an ironic twist, the interior of the apple does not brown for quite some time. So I say, if you’re looking to spice up your life with something a little different, close your eyes and eat ass. Who am I to judge?

BONUS POINTS: +2 Taste

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
OPAL APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Topaz

ORIGIN

Czech Republic

YEAR

2010

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Summer

BEST USES

Salads, Munching

Jazz Apple Review

"A Disharmony of Flavor Notes"

65
Mediocre
Jazz Apple

This dense, oblong, rock munch contains a dizzying array of flavors reminiscent of a pretentious jazz solo you pretend to enjoy. Not quite sweet, not quite tart, and a bit of pear thrown in for good measure – this marketing darling will keep you off-balance with a confusion of flavors that fail to harmonize effectively. Like Jazz itself, biting into this apple will spawn moments of joy and moments of boredom leaving bewildered chewers asking the question: did I really just pay for that? Not a terrible apple, but its the flavor notes I’m not tasting that bar it from a recommendation.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
JAZZ APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Gala

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2000

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Baking, Cooking

OTHER NAMES

The Lawyer’s Apple

King David Apple Review

"The Tart of Arkansas"

72
Pretty Good
King David Apple

🏅 #3 RANKED SOUR APPLE | 🏅 #8 RANKED BAKING APPLE

A tart heirloom discovered by the legendary Stark Brothers in the Ozarks in 1893, this tomato-shaped, mahogany-skinned, assemblage of complex flavors will grab your attention just long enough for you to realize the King is dead. In fact, even the Stark Brothers carelessly discarded the King David Apple once its tenuous grasp on the throne was usurped by the upstart Red Delicious (which won their company’s apple contest the very next year and was quickly trademarked). While King David still rules over a smattering of tiny fiefdoms across America, its empire is a pitiful echo of a reign that never was. If tartness is the rule of the day, look to the Kanzi for a more steadfast leader.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Sour, +1 Baking

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
KING DAVID BIO

PARENTAGE

Jonathan x Arkansas Black

ORIGIN

Arkansas

YEAR

1893

AVAILABILITY

Mid-Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Cider, Sour Apple,

Baking

SugarBee Apple Review

"The Honey Grenade"

80
Excellent
SugarBee Apple

🏅 #10 RANKED CIDER APPLE

The SugarBee, created in Minnesota by a bee’s chance cross-pollination of a Honeycrisp blossom and an unknown apple variety is a handsome skee-ball of an apple substantial enough to kill a man in close combat. When held, one can’t help but feel the reverberations of its awesome power, understanding that if man had harnessed such a densely packed sugar bomb in the state of nature he would reign supreme for generations. Thankfully, in today’s world, the natural urge to kill using this apple can easily be avoided and replaced with the joy of an exceptionally juicy bite, satisfying crunch, and a robustly rich honey-like taste.

Aside from the fact that this apple really does taste like honey, the most remarkable aspect of the SugarBee Apple is its horrifying, murder-doll-esque bee mascot. Be sure to watch the video below for a glimpse of this nightmarish CGI bee (with a little boy’s haircut for some reason) that is moments away from flying through your screen and eating your soul.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Juiciness, +1 Cider Apple

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
SUGARBEE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Unknown

ORIGIN

Minnesota / Washington State

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Cider

Gala Apple Review

"The Inoffensive Mainstay"

70
Pretty Good
Gala Apple

🏅 #7 RANKED CIDER APPLE

The Gala is a robust apple that can be and is grown all over the world all year-long. As a result, it has become a wholly inoffensive mainstay that can be found in any supermarket, at any time, anywhere in the developed world. In fact, in 2018 the Gala surpassed the gag-worthy Red Delicious as America’s Most Popular Apple. This does not mean the Gala is some kind of transcendent Godsend. On the contrary, it is more akin to an uncool step-parent who eventually wins you over simply by consistently showing up. Red Delicious – please leave, we have a new father now.

The Gala is known by many names depending on where it is grown: Annaglo, Galaxy, Regala, Tenroy, Mondial Gala, Royal Gala, Rainier Gala. This can lead to wildly inconsistent freshness, depending on the time of year and where you’re located. You MUST buy Gala’s that are grown where it is currently Autumn. The Royal Gala from New Zealand (Queen Elizabeth II’s favorite apple – hence “Royal”) should be freshest April – June. Meanwhile, the Rainier Gala from Washington State should be freshest September – December. Take note of this, fellow munchers, for an off-season Gala may be nothing more than a six-month old, previously frozen, grain silo in a fruit jacket.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Availability, +1 Cider Rank

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
GALA BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x

Kidd’s Orange Red

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

1934

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Cider

OTHER NAMES

Annaglo, Galaxy, Regala,

Tenroy, Mondial Gala, Royal Gala,

Cosmic Crisp Apple Review

"The Most Overhyped Apple of All Time"

74
Pretty Good
Cosmic Crisp Apple

The Cosmic Crisp Apple is not a bad apple. And for an ordinary apple, such a tepid review would be perfectly acceptable. However, the Cosmic Crisp is no ordinary apple. Nay, it may be the most extraordinary apple our capitalist society has ever manufactured. And the word “manufactured” is all but too accurate as the Cosmic Crisp has been in development for decades. It has been taste-tested, focus-grouped, and cross-bred to become a marketable fruit darling akin to a teenage pop star singing songs written by a computer. And just like those grating songs you can’t get out of your head, the scales have been tipped in favor of the Cosmic Crisp via a hype machine boasting a $10 million initial investment.

The result? A beautiful-looking apple worthy of a Wes Anderson prop that could not live up to the lofty expectations set before it. With an above-average crunch, but below-average sweetness, this apple screams mediocrity. And as for that drop-dead gorgeous exterior? The debt is paid for such beauty with a thicker than expected skin that lingers like the disappointment of apple fans everywhere.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Beauty

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
COSMIC CRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Enterprise x Honeycrisp

ORIGIN

Wenatchee, Washington – USA

YEAR

2019

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Munching

Rave Apple Review

"The Knockoff Brand Honeycrisp"

79
Very Good
Rave Apple

The snappy new Rave Apple (or “First Kiss” Apple if you prefer your fruit names to contain a touch of pre-pubescent sexualization) is a discount brand Honeycrisp. Buying one of these slightly lumpy, slightly off-colored, slightly dull, outlet store apples is like buying a Coby television – sure it plays your favorite shows but something about it is just…off. In fact, at first bite, the spritely snap, wonderfully thin skin, and incredible juiciness of this apple might convince less discerning chewers that their thrifty ways have finally elevated them into the echelon of their highfalutin neighbor, Steve, with his fancy Honeycrisp Apples and LG OLED 65” television set. Ah but, the Cinderella story quickly dissipates as the flavor in your mouth melts away faster than the vibrant colors on your shit-box of a TV.

If all Honeycrisp Apples were to disappear from the Earth in some kind of fruit rapture, I would recommend the Rave Apple as a serviceable replacement. However, until the Second Coming, it is best to shell out the extra one dollar per pound and avoid this slightly less sweet, slightly less tart, slightly less pretty budget apple.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Crispness, +1 Density, +1 Skin

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
RAVE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x MonArk

ORIGIN

Univ. of Minnesota

YEAR

2018

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Munching / Bad for Baking

OTHER NAMES

First Kiss (in Minnesota)

Lucy Glo Apple Review

"The Breathtaking Circus Freak"

85
Excellent
Lucy Glo Apple

🏅 #6 RANKED SOUR APPLE

The Lucy Glo is a circus-freak apple with yellow skin and a red interior that shocks skeptics into submission. Most would expect this clown-urine soaked frog testicle to taste like an unhealed surgical wound since each bite resembles a freshly picked scab. However, most (whoever they are) should prepare their expectations to be shattered. This candy-like, perfectly tart, masterclass in a full flavor profile is a joy to eat and lives up to its flashy appearance. A novelty apple, this is not. Major branding deduction as the Lucy Glo is easily confused with its far inferior sister apple the Lucy Rose.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Uniqueness, +3 Taste, +2 Flesh

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon