red delicious

Ludacrisp Apple Review

"The Dirty South Rapple"

75
Very Good
Ludacrisp Apple

Intentional or not, this hefty behemoth of an apple is named after Dirty South rapper Ludacris of “Move B***** Get Out Da Way” fame. The word ludicrous is spelled with an “I”. The rapper Ludacris is spelled with an “A”. And so, naming an apple Ludacrisp (with an “A”) is an obvious homage to the early-2000s undisputed king of southern hospitality. Yet, in a baffling omission, the Midwest Apple Improvement Association seems to purposely ignore this blatant connection:

“The name Ludacrisp® is a play on the word “ludicrous,” meaning something that is absurd, joking, nonsensical, and playful. The apple’s name was created to make people smile.”

And so, just like the Spotify playlists of the midwest farmers who named it, Ludacris is nowhere to be found. Admittedly, it would be difficult to sell a supermarket on a dirty south rapple with a sign that says “Move Pears Get Out Da Way.” Perhaps it’s best the connection remain unspoken, and those who know, just know?

To be fair, the discoverer of this apple wished to call it the “Juicy Fruit” – because it tastes like the shitty gum. Which is not only a stupid name – it is also a trademarked name and therefore, impossible. However, Juicy Fruit may be a more appropriate label than Ludacrisp since while this apple is only moderately crispy, it is, in fact, ludicrously juicy. As juicy as a ho’s ass – as Luda might say. On the flip side, like Luda’s raunchy lyrics, this apple packs a powerful flavor-punch that will remain incredibly divisive.

And so, despite the confusion surrounding the name, the Ludacrisp is a must-try apple. After one ho-smacking bite, you’ll either be calling the FCC to have it banned, or telling the other apples in your fridge to get out da way.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Juiciness

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
LUDACRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp

ORIGIN

Pataskala, Ohio

YEAR

2019

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Cider, Muching, Salads

OTHER NAMES

Juicy Fruit, MAIA-L

Melrose Apple Review

"The All-American Apple"

43
Horse Food
Melrose Apple

This WWII-era tank-fruit is a daunting behemoth that could easily smash in a Nazi’s skull if hurled at close range. Dense, thick-skinned, and great in an apple pie, this state apple of Ohio may be the most American apple on Earth. But don’t fill your victory garden with Melrose trees just yet. Like war, this apple is ugly, and despite a decently tart taste, the Melrose could never overcome its ungainly thick skin and gruesome appearance. Growers even tried to breed the ugliness out of the apple in the 1970s but like most American exploits in the 70s, failed miserably. So I say, salute The Greatest Generation by skinning this apple and baking it in a pie, but when it comes to your kitchen it’s best if the Melrose went AWOL.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
MELROSE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Jonathan x Red Delicious

ORIGIN

Wooster, Ohio

YEAR

1944

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Baking, Apple Pie

Braeburn Apple Review

"The Civil Rights Apple"

73
Pretty Good
Braeburn Apple

🏅 #4 RANKED SOUR APPLE

Back in the 1950s, in a time when single-colored apples ruled the day (see Red Delicious vs. Golden Delicious), the upstart New Zealand Braeburn shocked the world with a blasphemous skin boasting two colors at once: red and green. Despite the protestations of backwards apple purists desperately clinging to the bygone days of single-color apples, the Braeburn’s complex and stupendous flavor was undeniable; this multi-toned interloper was here to stay. And stay it did, becoming one of the most popular apples worldwide for the next seven decades.

Why can’t I find Braeburn Apples anymore?

In today’s fast-paced apple world this sweet-tart, spicy maverick may at long last be obsolete. Lacking the consistency of modern apples, and suffering from difficulties like Braeburn Browning Disorder due to higher internal carbon dioxide concentrations, enterprising breeders began looking for Braeburn descendants that could replace its parent (and be trademarked for profit of course). And so, the ungrateful children of the Braeburn: Envy, Jazz, Sweetie, and Kanzi are sweeping this trailblazing old-timer into oblivion, leaving no room on the grocery store shelf for the apple to whom they owe so much.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Historical Significance

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
BRAEBURN BIO

PARENTAGE

Lady Hamilton x Granny Smith

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

1952

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Pies, Munching, Sour Apple

Golden Delicious Apple Review

"The West Virginia Has-Been"

33
Horse Food
Golden Delicious Apple

The official state fruit of West Virginia, this green-yellow beauty saw its heyday in the Progressive Era when marketed by the Stark Bros as a companion apple to the, then blockbuster smash hit, Red Delicious. One hundred years later, with our collective distaste for the Red Delicious fully realized, this ill-fated adopted brother may as well be called the “Golden Bin Laden.” Fortunately, for consumers who have rightfully shied away from this fading memory of an apple, the mushy, bland, juiceless, Golden Delicious doesn’t bring much to the table aside from fathering better apples and having a nice looking exterior fit for a 2013 U.S. Postal Stamp.

🏅 #8 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5
GOLDEN DELICIOUS BIO

PARENTAGE

Grimes Golden x Golden Reinette

ORIGIN

West Virginia

YEAR

1905

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Apple Sauce, Apple Butter, Cider

OTHER NAMES

Mullin’s Yellow Seedling, 

Annit Apple, Yellow Delicious

Empire Apple Review

"A Spunky Optimist"

65
Mediocre
Empire Apple

Coming from humble beginnings, the Empire Apple manages to break free from its backwoods Red Delicious and McIntosh upbringing to strike out on its own in the unforgiving and inconsistent apple behemoth that is New York State (The Empire State). With a fascinating flavor profile some describe as “melon”, “pineapple”, or *gag* “elderflower” (if you are a pretentious liar who claims to know what elderflower tastes like), this well-balanced juicy optimist has just enough gumption and spunk to survive in a dog-eat-dog, apple-eat-apple world.

Unfortunately – like a down-home twang you just can’t seem to shake – no apple can fully escape its roots, as piercing barbed-wire skin and slightly mealy flesh serve as shadows of the Empire’s shameful past. It’s true, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere – and while the Empire has survived in New York, it’ll be up to future generations to spawn a kingdom that outgrows the region.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
EMPIRE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x McIntosh

ORIGIN

Cornell University

YEAR

1945

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Sauce

OTHER NAMES

Royal Empire, Crown Empire,

Teeple Red Empire

Sweetie Apple Review

"A Watery Grave"

51
Not Worth Eating
Sweetie Apples

This oblong, Salvador Dali-esque, warp-fruit generously tilts its way off your table in what can only be described as a philanthropic suicide attempt. Its obvious cry for help is understandable as no apple could continually bare to live with crunch after crunch of disappointment as an initial juicy flavor burst full of potential quickly dissipates into a very watery grave. Failing to live up to its sugary namesake, failing to live up to its Braeburn x Royal Gala heritage, failing to live up to even its initial bite, the Sweetie would be better served if it were much worse – at least then it would be worth discussing.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
SWEETIE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

WineCrisp Apple Review

"A Bottom-Shelf Vintage"

65
Mediocre
WineCrisp Apples

The purple-hued WineCrisp Apple boasts a complex flavor profile that would give a pretentious sommelier quite a lot to blab about. Sweet and juicy with notes of berry, spice, and dare I say, citrus?, the purveyors of this finely-crafted 2008 vintage from the Illinois region bred their stock with taste in mind – a taste which improves with time, as flavors enhance after thirty days of cold storage. Sadly, this exotic debutante is overwhelmed by subtle hints of “knife-skin” stabbing your throat like the cheap corkscrew you left in your first apartment. Additionally, the robust flesh is so densely packed it feels almost indestructible. Serviceable for a night at home, the WineCrisp is best left in the cellar when entertaining or on special occasions. Pairs well with dessert.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
WINECRISP APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Cox’s Orange Pippin x Rome x

Jonathan x Newtown Pippin x

Crab apple

ORIGIN

PRI – Purdue U., Rutgers U., 

U. of Illinois Cooperative

Breeding Project

YEAR

2008

AVAILABILITY

Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Dessert

OTHER NAMES

Co-op 31

Juici (Juic!) Apple Review

"A Pandering Litigious Gigolo"

65
Mediocre
Juici Apple

The Juic! Apple (pronounced “Juicy” and not “Jwik!” as the spelling would imply) is a controversial, social media influencer backed, try-hard whose positive qualities are mired by an absolute shit personality. Bred in idyllic Wenatchee, Washington with powerhouse parents Honeycrisp and Braeburn, this apple is thin-skinned, long-lasting, has a great crunch, and above all is incredibly juicy (or Juic! as some spell it).

But don’t be fooled by the failed Olympics logo that brands the Juic! DeliteTM – none of the aforementioned superlatives can compensate for a blasé flavor profile that lacks any discernible character. Worst of all, this litigious gigolo sued small-town apple growers in New England for trying to rebrand their Jonagold Apple to the JuicyGold. No one in Appleandia should own the word “Juicy”. The lawsuits, the social media influencer outreach, and the name with an ! at the end all scream of corporate execs pandering to younger generations and falling on their face with an audible Jwik!

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
JUICI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Braeburn

ORIGIN

Wenatchee, Washington

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Juicing

OTHER NAMES

Juici Delite TM

McIntosh Apple Review

"A Seal-Skinned Canadian Letdown"

45
Horse Food
McIntosh Apple

The National Apple of Canada, this dense curling stone has the refreshing tart kick of an icy northern winter. Unfortunately, it comes dressed for the cold, with a caribou-skin Inuit parka snuggly protecting the interior of its grainy snow-white flesh. Beware – this tumour-swollen reindeer nose has perhaps the thickest most intractable skin of any apple this side of the Prime Meridian. In fact, in an emergency, the McIntosh apple could be hollowed out and used as a makeshift shelter appropriate for the harshest of arctic storms.

The McIntosh gets a massive branding boost by being the eponymous apple of Macintosh computers. For fans of Apple, this is an egregious misnomer, denigrating a quality product. For Apple haters, the McIntosh apple is a suitable analog for a sub-par computer that fails to impress.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
MCINTOSH APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Unknown

ORIGIN

Ontario, Canada

YEAR

Early 19th Century

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Applesauce

OTHER NAMES

McIntosh Red, Mac

SnapDragon Apple Review

"A Chomp-Worthy Newcomer"

87
Excellent
SnapDragon Apple

This chomp-worthy newcomer from Cornell University’s Apple Breeding Program is the company rival to the parallel developed Ruby Frost. But that thick-skinned ice queen is incinerated by the SnapDragon’s crisp flesh, exceptional juiciness, and expectation-surpassing “Monster Crunch.” A semi-unsightly mythical offspring of the Honeycrisp, the fantastically branded SnapDragon is endowed with its mother’s best familial qualities that have secured the reign of her wide-ranging empire for the past several decades.

However, if the Honeycrisp empire were bequeathed to the SnapDragon it would quickly fall. Despite its titanic crunch, mellow flavor notes of what some may describe as “vanilla” or “melon” are far too understated to keep the masses satiated for long. Additionally, with a tree that “lacks vigor”, this dragon has proven to be a monster of a problem for apple breeders hoping to spread their wings beyond New York State.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Branding, +1 Crispness, +1 Density, +1 Flesh

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5
SNAPDRAGON BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x

Golden Delicious x

Monroe x Melrose

ORIGIN

Cornell University, New York

YEAR

2015

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Salads

Mutsu (Crispin) Apple Review

"The Rich Man's Jalopy"

55
Barely Worth It
Mutsu Apple

Like a poorly designed car that is suped up with all the latest features but breaks down after three years, the Japanese Mutsu Apple (also known as Crispin in the US/UK) fails under the weight of its own overreaching reputation. Known as “The Million Dollar Apple” this rich man’s jalopy comes in three sexy colors based on sunlight exposure: the yellow-green Sun Mutsu, the bright red Red Mutsu, and the rare pale Silver Mutsu. Unfortunately, with a mild splash of flavor, waxy skin, and grainy flesh, this apple simply can’t be trusted to get you to work on time.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

INTENSITY

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5
MUTSU APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Indo

ORIGIN

Japan

YEAR

1949

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Dessert Baking, Munching

OTHER NAMES

Crispin, Red Mutsu,

Silver Mutsu, Sun Mutsu

Newtown Pippin Apple Review

"Long Island's Sand-Filled Condom"

19
Vomitous Filth
Newtown Pippin Apple

This sand-filled condom from Long Island was choked down in the 1750s by the likes of Thomas Jefferson at Monticello, George Washington at Mount Vernon, and Benjamin Franklin as he declared it his favorite apple. Perhaps the Newtown Pippin was once a great apple whose quality has degraded over the centuries like the crumbling democracy the Founding Fathers established. Or perhaps, after decades of eating pigeon pie and squirrel meat, these wooden-toothed slave owners’ tastebuds are not to be trusted. Either way, in today’s world, aside from being excellent for apple cider production, the Newtown Pippin is a tasteless hunk of malformed donkey shit that should’ve been abolished during the reign of King George III.

🏅 #3 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
NEWTOWN PIPPIN BIO

PARENTAGE

Unknown

ORIGIN

Newtown, Long Island

YEAR

1750s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Apple Cider Only

OTHER NAMES

Albemarle Pippin

Cameo Apple Review

"An Unwelcome Guest"

50
Not Worth Eating
Cameo Apple

The Cameo Apple tastes like a juicy dog fart wrapped in used Whole Foods napkins. With a flavorless interior reminiscent of powdered hospital soap, this freak of nature is called a ‘Cameo’ because it was found accidentally growing in a Red Delicious orchard in Washington State and bred for public consumption (I can only assume as a punishment for America’s hubris). Even M. Night Shyamalan showing up in his own movie is a better cameo than this.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5
CAMEO APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Unknown

ORIGIN

Washington, USA

YEAR

1987

AVAILABILITY

Mid-Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Carousel

Sundowner (Cripps Red) Review

"Pink Lady's Ugly Brother"

67
Mediocre
Cripps Red Apple

The ugly brother of the Pink Lady, the Sundowner apple also known as Cripps Red, lacks the panache of its more popular sister but works with what its got to carve out an amicable reputation when not lost in the shadow of its superior sibling. Tart off the tree and sweeter as time goes on, the Sundowner fecklessly swats at a relevance it will never obtain as it attempts to discern an identity apart from “Pink Lady’s brother”. Alas, the writing is on the wall for this genetic lottery loser as it will never overcome its less-than-stellar appearance and upsettingly stupid name to be seen for the complex array of untapped potential it wishes it was.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
SUNDOWNER BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Lady Williams

ORIGIN

Western Australia

YEAR

1973

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Cripps Red, Cripps II, Joya

Candy Crisp Apple Review

"A Pear-Cucked Red Delicious"

69
Mediocre
Candy Crisp Apple

The phenomenally named Candy Crisp Apple out of Marlboro, New York lives up to its name with an astounding crunch, uncommon juiciness, and (if ripe enough) diabetic sweetness. The only problem with this pink blushed, yellow-green, fun lump is that it tastes like a pear. Not even a great pear. An unripe, less-juicy pear that’s been foolishly stored in a refrigerator drawer fated to eternally harden next to a forgotten onion. In fact, if you cut up a Candy Crisp apple and an unripe Bartlett Pear it would make for an incredibly difficult CAPTCHA Test. Nothing against pears but, this half-blood, potentially pear-cucked Red Delicious is basically akin to false advertising.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
CANDY CRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Unknown

ORIGIN

Marlboro, NY

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Munching

Crimson Gold Apple Review

"A Crabapple in Disguise"

31
Horse Food
Crimson Gold Apples

These little shits are glorified crabapples masquerading as edible fruit and should not be tolerated outside of cider production and pretentious baking applications. Each minuscule bite of these filthy monkey cheeks explode with an intense yet somehow dry flavor combination that will make you want to spontaneously vomit. Do not be fooled by this repackaged trash, Crimson Gold is just a misleading name slapped on a swollen testicle.

🏅 #4 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
CRIMSON GOLD BIO

PARENTAGE

Yellow Newtown x

Esopus Spitzenburg

ORIGIN

California

YEAR

1944

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Cider Production, Cooking

Pinova (Piñata) Apple Review

"A Papier Mache Fruit Husk"

50
Barely Worth Eating
Pinova (Piñata) Apple

The Pinova apple (also branded as Piñata) probably should be beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat until the sweet innards drip onto the grasses of your backyard as a feast for ants. While it does have an intense sweet and juicy taste, that some breeders claim to invoke pineapple, this tropical depression is nothing more than a thick-skinned, papier mache fruit husk filled with off-brand hard candies. Skip the party, stay home and eat a Gala.

2022 UPDATE: The fresher apples are not mealy, major upgrade on flesh but with freshness comes worse density. Taste +1, Crispness +1, Skin -1, Flesh +3, Juiciness -1, Density -2. Horse Food -> Not Worth Eating.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
PINOVA APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Cox’s Orange Pippin x

Duchess of Oldenburg x

Golden Delicious

ORIGIN

Germany

YEAR

1986

AVAILABILITY

Winter – Early Summer

BEST USES

Munching, Desserts

OTHER NAMES

Piñata, Corail, Sonata

Arkansas Black Apple Review

"A Teeth-Shattering Oddity"

23
Despicable
Arkansas Black Apple

This teeth-shattering oddity, boasting a deep red hue that’ll make a dark cherry look like a fluorescent glow stick, will destroy your helpless mouth with every unfortunate bite. A ten out of ten on the Mohs Hardness Scale, this apple would perform admirably as a drill tip in a diamond mine. While true the hardness marginally decreases if left in your refrigerator for a full year, those patient enough to plan lunch into the next decade will be sorely disappointed with a thick-skinned carbuncle that tastes and feels like an uncooked russet potato. Truly despicable.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5
ARKANSAS BLACK BIO

PARENTAGE

Winesap

ORIGIN

Bentonville, Arkansas

YEAR

1840s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Drill Tip, Cider

Ambrosia Apple Review

"The Chosen Apple"

76
Very Good
Ambrosia Apple

Ambrosia is the food of the Gods, and while this reclaimed Canadian splotch-ball fails to ascend to the vaunted halls of immortality, it is still a very good apple fit for consumption by us mere mortals. Plucked from Canadian obscurity by The McDougall Family of Wenatchee, WA this honey-sweet, juicy and crisp, straightforward-tasting apple was given the divine nudge to become an affordable, year-round chosen fruit. And while it has parted the sea of lesser apples to emerge as a popular staple, it’s lack of flavor complexity and inconsistency on the shelf makes it fall short of the similar God-like Honeycrisp. So while not a false idol, it’s hard to put all of one’s faith in an apple so imperfect.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
AMBROSIA APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Jonagold x Golden Delicious

ORIGIN

British Columbia, Canada

(now Wenatchee, WA)

YEAR

1990s

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Ambrosia Gold

Hunnyz Apple Review

"The Worst Named Apple"

60
Barely Worth It
Hunnyz Apples

It is difficult to move past the embarrassment of a name like Hunnyz. An auto-correct text that could end a relationship, the branding of this apple takes center-stage with its bastardization of the word “honey” utilizing not just an early aughts “z” but a Pooh Bear backwards “n” to boot. To make matters worse, this apple does not taste like honey in the slightest. In fact, it somewhat tastes like nothing. A sack of wet air with the occasional fruity spritz. Boasting a Honeycrisp and Crimson Crisp heritage, the saving grace of this apple is a superior crispness and snappy white flesh that may even surpass its parents in quality. Unfortunately, with a humiliating name like Hunnyz, this apple can only be scarfed down in a dark closet to avoid rightful ridicule and thus should be consumed only by the most self-confident eaters.

UPDATE 2022: I’ve tried the new crop with an open mind based on reader’s comments and, I have to say, the commenters are wrong. This apple is exactly what I remember it being: Barely Worth It. Yes, it is snappy and crunchy and juicy, but it tastes like a sack of wet air with an occasional hint of bathroom cleaner mixed in. -2 Taste, -1 Crispness, +1 Skin, -1 Flesh, +2 Juiciness, Density -1, Beauty +3, Branding -1, Cost +1. TOTAL SCORE: 61 – > 60 (Barely Worth It).

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
HUNNYZ APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Crimson Crisp

ORIGIN

Washington State, USA

YEAR

2021

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Heckle Fruit

Smitten Apple Review

"The Curb Stomp of Apples"

42
Horse Food
Smitten Apple

The curb stomp of apples, this concrete product of a masochistic breeder in New Zealand is so hard that eating it is quite a lot like biting into a rock. The witch-curse they call a tagline for this apple is “Once bitten, forever smitten”, which reads like a warning label for an impending zombie horde attack, is an appropriate motif for an apple that tastes like the guts of an undead corpse. Avoid this mealy rock-fruit at all costs, for the only person Smitten with this apple will be your local orthodontist.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
SMITTEN APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2011

AVAILABILITY

Late Spring – Early Winter

BEST USES

Basket Visual

Opal Apple Review

"A Tasty Unwiped Anus"

82
Excellent
Opal Apple

🏅 #1 RANKED YELLOW APPLE

The Opal apple looks like it shit itself. I apologize for being uncouth but there is no more apt observation. Just look at the top of it. The Opal apple looks like a jaundiced, freckled, unwiped anus. In fact, this may be the ugliest apple of the modern era. That being said, if you’re going to be an ass, you might as well be a good ass. And like a good ass, the Opal apple is exceptionally sweet and juicy. In fact, the complex flavor profile featuring hints of banana, coconut, and pear make this Czech-born, oddly-named monstrosity a delight to consume. And while the outside may be stained with a toddler’s accident, in an ironic twist, the interior of the apple does not brown for quite some time. So I say, if you’re looking to spice up your life with something a little different, close your eyes and eat ass. Who am I to judge?

BONUS POINTS: +2 Taste

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
OPAL APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Topaz

ORIGIN

Czech Republic

YEAR

2010

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Summer

BEST USES

Salads, Munching

Jazz Apple Review

"A Disharmony of Flavor Notes"

65
Mediocre
Jazz Apple

This dense, oblong, rock munch contains a dizzying array of flavors reminiscent of a pretentious jazz solo you pretend to enjoy. Not quite sweet, not quite tart, and a bit of pear thrown in for good measure – this marketing darling will keep you off-balance with a confusion of flavors that fail to harmonize effectively. Like Jazz itself, biting into this apple will spawn moments of joy and moments of boredom leaving bewildered chewers asking the question: did I really just pay for that? Not a terrible apple, but its the flavor notes I’m not tasting that bar it from a recommendation.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
JAZZ APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Gala

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2000

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Baking, Cooking

OTHER NAMES

The Lawyer’s Apple

Modi Apple Review

"The Italian Disgrace"

44
Horse Food
Modi Apple

This Italian disgrace, named after famed artist Amedeo Modigliani, is a flavorless lump whose taste is indiscernible from a paper napkin spit on by a donkey. Only those familiar with Modigliani’s work – so, no one – can fully appreciate the appropriateness of this apple’s name. His paintings of distorted, mirthless faces both resemble the warped contours of this knobbly crank as well as the dissatisfied facial expressions of those unfortunate enough to choke down a fruit destined to be forgotten by history. Bonus points for being bred with greenhouse gas emissions in mind.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
MODI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Liberty

ORIGIN

Italy

YEAR

2014

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Munching