Juici (Juic!) Apple Review

"A Pandering Litigious Gigolo"

65
Mediocre
Juici Apple

The Juic! Apple (pronounced “Juicy” and not “Jwik!” as the spelling would imply) is a controversial, social media influencer backed, try-hard whose positive qualities are mired by an absolute shit personality. Bred in idyllic Wenatchee, Washington with powerhouse parents Honeycrisp and Braeburn, this apple is thin-skinned, long-lasting, has a great crunch, and above all is incredibly juicy (or Juic! as some spell it).

But don’t be fooled by the failed Olympics logo that brands the Juic! DeliteTM – none of the aforementioned superlatives can compensate for an insipid flavor profile that lacks any discernible character. Worst of all, this litigious gigolo sued small-town apple growers in New England for trying to rebrand their Jonagold Apple to the JuicyGold. No one in Appleandia should own the word “Juicy”. The lawsuits, the social media influencer outreach, and the name with an ! at the end all scream of corporate execs pandering to younger generations and falling on their face with an audible Jwik!

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
JUICI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Braeburn

ORIGIN

Wenatchee, Washington

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Juicing

OTHER NAMES

Juici Delite TM

11 thoughts on “Juici Apple Review”

  1. Richard Richardson

    This apple is so juic! that my teeth began to liquify when they came in contact with the moisture rich body of this immaculate fruit. I haven’t seen something so fruity since my uncle went to that bar dressed like Rihanna for Holloween. Once you have a bite of this forever fruit you will live forever and you cancer will be cured despite what those damn liberals keeps telling me. “YOU CAN’T MAKE ME GET RID OF MY BACKYARD FIRING RANGE WITH THE SCHOOL KID TARGETS!” I tell them as they sob their liberal tears right into my Ajit Pai drinking mug. Yeah remember that douchbag that made to internet a corporate playground for those of us that just want to watch cat videos and jerk off in the privacy of our own homes. Anyway 8/10 can’t really relate.

  2. My palate was met with a mealy specimen of this fruit. The texture and taste transported me back to my childhood, reminiscent of the lackluster apples I once found in my second-grade lunchbox circa 1997. While it may provide a sense of nostalgia, it falls short in terms of overall quality and satisfaction.

  3. Blasé means not easily impressed, generally due to previous experience, not unimpressive. No judgement, I used to use it that way too until someone Internet rando kindly shamed me.

  4. Currently on my 2nd Apple of this brand but I don’t like it. It’s hard than the 2 other apple brands I ate before trying this out and the taste leaves much to be desired.

  5. eating first juici right now

    Huh. I think we must’ve had quite different Juici apples. I got a few pounds of Juicis (for the seductive price of 99¢/2lbs) for the first time today, cut one open, and found their flavor comparable-while-slightly-inferior to the Honeycrisps I’ve been eating all week. More intense for a second with the initial hit of JUICE and then the flavor chewed out of it faster than the Honeycrisps. But fairly sweet and fairly tart – I can’t imagine rating this a 1/5 for the latter.

    Texturewise I agree with your assessment. The flesh is a little softer, a touch mealier, but not to any extent I have a problem with – this is in comparison to the snap of the Honeycrisp, so it’s still solidly up there in crispness. Noticeably less dense.

    If a Honeycrisp is a 95/100, to me this is solidly like… 80, 82. A letter grade below, but not a gap of 30 points.

    I also found the slightly dimpled skin rather charming, though I’ll grant that the coloration was neither distinctive nor particularly gorgeous.

  6. Ridiculous review. This is a fantastic apple. Mealy? Try one that has been picked and stored properly. Insipid flavor? You shouldn’t be reviewing apples.

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