Juici (Juic!) Apple Review
"A Pandering Litigious Gigolo"
The Juic! Apple (pronounced “Juicy” and not “Jwik!” as the spelling would imply) is a controversial, social media influencer backed, try-hard whose positive qualities are mired by an absolute shit personality. Bred in idyllic Wenatchee, Washington with powerhouse parents Honeycrisp and Braeburn, this apple is thin-skinned, long-lasting, has a great crunch, and above all is incredibly juicy (or Juic! as some spell it).
But don’t be fooled by the failed Olympics logo that brands the Juic! DeliteTM – none of the aforementioned superlatives can compensate for an insipid flavor profile that lacks any discernible character. Worst of all, this litigious gigolo sued small-town apple growers in New England for trying to rebrand their Jonagold Apple to the JuicyGold. No one in Appleandia should own the word “Juicy”. The lawsuits, the social media influencer outreach, and the name with an ! at the end all scream of corporate execs pandering to younger generations and falling on their face with an audible Jwik!
- FLAVOR PROFILE -
SWEETNESS
2/5
TARTNESS
1/5
INTENSITY
2/5
JUICI APPLE BIO
PARENTAGE
ORIGIN
Wenatchee, Washington
YEAR
2017
AVAILABILITY
Late Fall – Winter
BEST USES
Munching, Juicing
OTHER NAMES
Juici Delite TM
things heating up in the apple fandom
This apple is so juic! that my teeth began to liquify when they came in contact with the moisture rich body of this immaculate fruit. I haven’t seen something so fruity since my uncle went to that bar dressed like Rihanna for Holloween. Once you have a bite of this forever fruit you will live forever and you cancer will be cured despite what those damn liberals keeps telling me. “YOU CAN’T MAKE ME GET RID OF MY BACKYARD FIRING RANGE WITH THE SCHOOL KID TARGETS!” I tell them as they sob their liberal tears right into my Ajit Pai drinking mug. Yeah remember that douchbag that made to internet a corporate playground for those of us that just want to watch cat videos and jerk off in the privacy of our own homes. Anyway 8/10 can’t really relate.
Haha – I’ve read on the nutrition label that these were possible side effects of eating the apple. Now I see that it is all true.
THEAPPLEIST What do you have to say about these terrible ratings for all the Apples alike
My palate was met with a mealy specimen of this fruit. The texture and taste transported me back to my childhood, reminiscent of the lackluster apples I once found in my second-grade lunchbox circa 1997. While it may provide a sense of nostalgia, it falls short in terms of overall quality and satisfaction.
Blasé means not easily impressed, generally due to previous experience, not unimpressive. No judgement, I used to use it that way too until someone Internet rando kindly shamed me.
Okay, I’ll change it