crisp

Blondee Apple Review

"The Mutant Gala"

62
Barely Worth It
Blondee Apple

At the turn of the millennium Tom and Bob McLaughlin (not to be confused with midwest radio hosts Bob and Tom) were taking a folksy stroll through their orchard when something caught their eye. A yellow apple growing on a Gala tree. Now, everyone and their mother knows that Gala apples are red. Not yellow. So how did this freckly, golden invader come to pass? Well – it turns out it was a mutant. A cosmic fluke. An aberration. We’ve all seen variations on a tree before. They’re called “sports” in apple parlance. But a yellow apple growing on a Red Gala tree? Someone call Maury! Or maybe Professor X.

Now, ol’ Tom and Bob may have simple names, but they have big ideas, and this “Yellow Gala”, as it is sometimes referred, was to be cultivated as a brand new apple that would become known as The Blondee – which is a fine name but I personally think the name “Mutant Gala” would’ve sold more apples.

Fascinating origin story aside, the Blondee apple is not the evolutionary superior to the Gala. A little too dense and not quite juicy enough, this rather crunchy, rare early-season yellow apple has a decent flavor complexity ranging from spicy to sweet. But, all-in-all, nothing about this apple warrants the effort it would take to acquire. Basically, if this mutant was an X-Men character, it probably wouldn’t make it into the movies.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
BLONDEE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x

Kidd’s Orange Red

ORIGIN

Portsmouth, Ohio

YEAR

2012

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Platters, Salads

OTHER NAMES

The Yellow Gala

Pazazz Apple Review

"The Desperate Musical Theater Major"

60
Barely Worth It
Pazazz Apple


A hefty prize horse created by honeybees in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, the Pazazz Apple will elbow its way into your mouth like a musical theater major looking for acceptance and leave behind a mild taste as memorable as said student’s inevitably disappointing career. Each bite of the Pazazz is a masterclass in stage hand-combat (particularly if you pick up the larger non-bagged varieties) forcing you to contend with a formidable construction and razor-sharp skin that will end your singing career early. All in all, the Pazazz Apple is “a lot”. However, if you can move past the cries of desperation that surround it, you will find exceptional juiciness and a good crisp bite that may be worth, at the very least, an audition with your tastebuds.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
PAZAZZ APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Unknown

ORIGIN

Eau Claire, Wisconsin

YEAR

2016

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

OTHER NAMES

The Jolly Rancher Apple

Hunnyz Apple Review

"The Worst Named Apple"

60
Barely Worth It
Hunnyz Apples

It is difficult to move past the embarrassment of a name like Hunnyz. An auto-correct text that could end a relationship, the branding of this apple takes center-stage with its bastardization of the word “honey” utilizing not just an early aughts “z” but a Pooh Bear backwards “n” to boot. To make matters worse, this apple does not taste like honey in the slightest. In fact, it somewhat tastes like nothing. A sack of wet air with the occasional fruity spritz. Boasting a Honeycrisp and Crimson Crisp heritage, the saving grace of this apple is a superior crispness and snappy white flesh that may even surpass its parents in quality. Unfortunately, with a humiliating name like Hunnyz, this apple can only be scarfed down in a dark closet to avoid rightful ridicule and thus should be consumed only by the most self-confident eaters.

UPDATE 2022: I’ve tried the new crop with an open mind based on reader’s comments and, I have to say, the commenters are wrong. This apple is exactly what I remember it being: Barely Worth It. Yes, it is snappy and crunchy and juicy, but it tastes like a sack of wet air with an occasional hint of bathroom cleaner mixed in. -2 Taste, -1 Crispness, +1 Skin, -1 Flesh, +2 Juiciness, Density -1, Beauty +3, Branding -1, Cost +1. TOTAL SCORE: 61 – > 60 (Barely Worth It).

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
HUNNYZ APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Crimson Crisp

ORIGIN

Washington State, USA

YEAR

2021

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Heckle Fruit