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Golden Russet Apple Review

"A Putrid Corpse"

22
Despicable
Golden Russet Apple

This putrid, decomposing, death-fruit is a stinking corpse of an apple that would fit nicely in Wednesday Addams’ lunch box. One of the most foul, horrific looking apples that can be found in America, the Golden Russet is contaminated by the rusted sandpaper skin its namesake implies. But astonishingly, this apple’s zombie-like appearance is not its most striking quality. For this repugnant witch’s curse emits a rancid odor that will make you question whether or not you are eating old fish. Storing well through the winter, its flesh is dense, tough, and chewy like an embalmed cadaver (which quickly devolves into mush like a regular cadaver). That being said, it actually tastes better than it looks – which is not saying much. The Golden Russet is only appropriate for cider production and otherwise should be avoided like the plague.

🏅 #2 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5
GOLDEN RUSSET BIO

PARENTAGE

English Golden Russet

ORIGIN

New York State

YEAR

1800s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Cider Production

OTHER NAMES

Bullock’s Pippin, Sheep-nose,

American Golden Russet,

Fox Apple, Long Tom

Eat These Apples Instead
This Apple Is Better Than
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Jonathan Apple Review

"An Odd Homeschooled Boy"

39
Horse Food
Jonathan Apple

🏅 #6 RANKED CIDER APPLE

This mealy disgrace, named after the boy in your third-grade class who always had dirt on his face, has the consistency of old snow wrapped in electrical tape. The only thing more difficult than getting past the off-putting name of “Jonathan” – a fine name for a boy with a lollipop but not for a fruit – is burrowing through the leathery deep-red skin shrouding its mushy innards. A quite handsome apple with exceptional juiciness, Jonathan once held so much promise, but this early 19th century heirloom is destined to be homeschooled as it is too sensitive (to both disease and bruising) to flourish in a normal setting. The best we can hope for from sweet, little Jonathan is a decent juice or cider, but in all likelihood this apple will slowly fade from our sight and memory only to be loved by its own mother.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Cider

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

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SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5
JONATHAN BIO

PARENTAGE

 Esopus Spitzenburg

ORIGIN

Woodstock, NY or Ohio Wilds

YEAR

1796 or 1826

AVAILABILITY

Fall

BEST USES

Cider, Juice, Baking

OTHER NAMES

Ricks Apple

Eat These Apples Instead
This Apple Is Better Than
More on Jonathan
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Empire Apple Review

"A Spunky Optimist"

65
Mediocre
Empire Apple

Coming from humble beginnings, the Empire Apple manages to break free from its backwoods Red Delicious and McIntosh upbringing to strike out on its own in the unforgiving and inconsistent apple behemoth that is New York State (The Empire State). With a fascinating flavor profile some describe as “melon”, “pineapple”, or *gag* “elderflower” (if you are a pretentious liar who claims to know what elderflower tastes like), this well-balanced juicy optimist has just enough gumption and spunk to survive in a dog-eat-dog, apple-eat-apple world.

Unfortunately – like a down-home twang you just can’t seem to shake – no apple can fully escape its roots, as piercing barbed-wire skin and slightly mealy flesh serve as shadows of the Empire’s shameful past. It’s true, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere – and while the Empire has survived in New York, it’ll be up to future generations to spawn a kingdom that outgrows the region.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5
EMPIRE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x McIntosh

ORIGIN

Cornell University

YEAR

1945

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Sauce

OTHER NAMES

Royal Empire, Crown Empire,

Teeple Red Empire

Eat These Apples Instead
Empire Are Better Than
More on Empire Apples
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Cortland Apple Review

"A Damp Hacky Sack"

52
Barely Worth It
Cortland Apple

🏅 #8 RANKED SOUR APPLE |🏅 #9 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Aside from the striking white flesh and splash of tartness, there’s not much good that can be said about the damp hacky sack left outside a frat house all winter known as the Cortland Apple. Discovered in 1898, in the remarkably not Cortland city of Geneva, NY this flattened McIntosh sandbag of shit continues the age-old tradition of dragging the apple reputation of New York State into the sewer. A cold weather apple that can’t stay fresh for very long, the not-Geneva Apple loses its fledgling tartness, paltry sweetness, and illusory crispness too quickly to provide average consumers the opportunity to avoid eating slimy white dirt. And yet, the Cortland remains one of New York’s top produced apples, an enigma that further denigrates the shameful pedigree of The Big Crapple.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Cider Apple

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5
CORTLAND APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

McIntosh x Ben David

ORIGIN

Geneva, NY

YEAR

1898

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Sour Apple, Cooking, Cider

OTHER NAMES

LaMont, Starkspur, Redcort,

Early Geneva

Eat These Apples Instead
Cortland Is Better Than
More on Cortland Apples
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Jonagold Apple Review

"A Forgettable College Friend"

57
Barely Worth It
Jonagold Apple

🏅 #10 RANKED BAKING APPLE

This bi-colored New York bred forget-me-fruit will vanish from your memory bank like the Ivy League School at which it was developed (Cornell University). A middling sweet-tart taste and ordinary crunch is double majored with granular apple meat and electrical tape skin. The Jonagold is a C-student which took advantage of its privileged upbringing by frequently studying abroad, particularly in Belgium where it accounts for nearly 70 percent of that nation’s apple production. But, make no mistake, no amount of international travel can make this blockable Facebook friend interesting enough to invite to your next dinner party.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Baking

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5
JONAGOLD APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Jonathan

ORIGIN

Cornell University, New York

YEAR

1953

AVAILABILITY

Fall

BEST USES

Baking, Apple Cider

OTHER NAMES

Jonared, Decosta, Primo,

Rubinstar, Red Jonaprince

Eat These Apples Instead
Jonagold Is Better Than
More on Jonagold
–

SnapDragon Apple Review

"A Chomp-Worthy Newcomer"

87
Excellent
SnapDragon Apple

This chomp-worthy newcomer from Cornell University’s Apple Breeding Program is the company rival to the parallel developed Ruby Frost. But that thick-skinned ice queen is incinerated by the SnapDragon’s crisp flesh, exceptional juiciness, and expectation-surpassing “Monster Crunch.” A semi-unsightly mythical offspring of the Honeycrisp, the fantastically branded SnapDragon is endowed with its mother’s best familial qualities that have secured the reign of her wide-ranging empire for the past several decades.

However, if the Honeycrisp empire were bequeathed to the SnapDragon it would quickly fall. Despite its titanic crunch, mellow flavor notes of what some may describe as “vanilla” or “melon” are far too understated to keep the masses satiated for long. Additionally, with a tree that “lacks vigor”, this dragon has proven to be a monster of a problem for apple breeders hoping to spread their wings beyond New York State.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Branding, +1 Crispness, +1 Density, +1 Flesh

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0.5/5

INTENSITY

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1.5/5
SNAPDRAGON BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x

Golden Delicious x

Monroe x Melrose

ORIGIN

Cornell University, New York

YEAR

2015

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Salads

Similar to SnapDragon
Buy SnapDragon Instead Of
More on SnapDragon Apples
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Candy Crisp Apple Review

"A Pear-Cucked Red Delicious"

69
Mediocre
Candy Crisp Apple

The phenomenally named Candy Crisp Apple out of Marlboro, New York lives up to its name with an astounding crunch, uncommon juiciness, and (if ripe enough) diabetic sweetness. The only problem with this pink blushed, yellow-green, fun lump is that it tastes like a pear. Not even a great pear. An unripe, less-juicy pear that’s been foolishly stored in a refrigerator drawer fated to eternally harden next to a forgotten onion. In fact, if you cut up a Candy Crisp apple and an unripe Bartlett Pear it would make for an incredibly difficult CAPTCHA Test. Nothing against pears but, this half-blood, potentially pear-cucked Red Delicious is basically akin to false advertising.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost / Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5
CANDY CRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Unknown

ORIGIN

Marlboro, NY

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Munching

Eat These Apples Instead
Candy Crisp Are Better Than
More on Candy Crisp
–

Ruby Frost Apple Review

"Thick-Skinned New York Fuckboi"

69
Mediocre
Ruby Frost Apple

You wanna talk about a handsome apple? This New York bred sex-fruit will ride you like the A-Train from here to Poughkeepsie. Only problem is, like most hot New Yorkers, this puppy has a skin so thick getting through to this fuckboi is like trying to cross the GW Bridge at rush hour. But hey, If you’re able to choke down the seat-belt strap material that it calls ‘skin’ you’ll be rewarded with a great snap and mildly sweet taste that’s juicier than a pigeon’s ass over heeee. Too bad that’s impossible.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3.5/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5
RUBY FROST BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Autumn Crisp

ORIGIN

Cornell University

YEAR

2015

AVAILABILITY

Winter

BEST USES

Winter Apple, Baking

Eat These Apples Instead
Ruby Frost is Better Than
More on Ruby Frost Apples
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