sweetango

Cosmic Crisp Apple Review

"The Most Overhyped Apple of All Time"

74
Pretty Good
Cosmic Crisp Apple

The Cosmic Crisp Apple is not a bad apple. And for an ordinary apple, such a tepid review would be perfectly acceptable. However, the Cosmic Crisp is no ordinary apple. Nay, it may be the most extraordinary apple our capitalist society has ever manufactured. And the word “manufactured” is all but too accurate as the Cosmic Crisp has been in development for decades. It has been taste-tested, focus-grouped, and cross-bred to become a marketable fruit darling akin to a teenage pop star singing songs written by a computer. And just like those grating songs you can’t get out of your head, the scales have been tipped in favor of the Cosmic Crisp via a hype machine boasting a $10 million initial investment.

The result? A beautiful-looking apple worthy of a Wes Anderson prop that could not live up to the lofty expectations set before it. With an above-average crunch, but below-average sweetness, this apple screams mediocrity. And as for that drop-dead gorgeous exterior? The debt is paid for such beauty with a thicker than expected skin that lingers like the disappointment of apple fans everywhere.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Beauty

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
COSMIC CRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Enterprise x Honeycrisp

ORIGIN

Wenatchee, Washington – USA

YEAR

2019

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

Rave Apple Review

"The Knockoff Brand Honeycrisp"

79
Very Good
Rave Apple

The snappy new Rave Apple (or “First Kiss” Apple if you prefer your fruit names to contain a touch of pre-pubescent sexualization) is a discount brand Honeycrisp. Buying one of these slightly lumpy, slightly off-colored, slightly dull, outlet store apples is like buying a Coby television – sure it plays your favorite shows but something about it is just…off. In fact, at first bite, the spritely snap, wonderfully thin skin, and incredible juiciness of this apple might convince less discerning chewers that their thrifty ways have finally elevated them into the echelon of their highfalutin neighbor, Steve, with his fancy Honeycrisp Apples and LG OLED 65” television set. Ah but, the Cinderella story quickly dissipates as the flavor in your mouth melts away faster than the vibrant colors on your shit-box of a TV.

If all Honeycrisp Apples were to disappear from the Earth in some kind of fruit rapture, I would recommend the Rave Apple as a serviceable replacement. However, until the Second Coming, it is best to shell out the extra one dollar per pound and avoid this slightly less sweet, slightly less tart, slightly less pretty budget apple.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Crispness, +1 Density, +1 Skin

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
RAVE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x MonArk

ORIGIN

Univ. of Minnesota

YEAR

2018

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Munching / Bad for Baking

OTHER NAMES

First Kiss (in Minnesota)

Pink Lady Apple Review

"A Fiery Troublemaker"

86
Excellent
Pink Lady Apple

🏅 #7 RANKED SOUR APPLE

The perfect blend of sweet and tart, this fiery bitch is a headliner at supermarkets worldwide. Not as snappy as you’d like, and dense enough to hammer a nail, this unflappable cart-stopper is a true trailblazer as the first apple name to be awarded a trademark.

But the name “Pink Lady” isn’t just snappy branding. It’s a badge of honor bestowed only upon the worthy. Every year, millions of pitiful Cripps Pink apples desperately cling to the ever-vanishing hope that they would one day ascend past their beggarly form to the vaunted moniker of  “Pink Lady.” But only the true standouts meet this high standard while the undeserving are relegated to the *gag* discount stores. This taxing gauntlet results in a remarkably consistent apple.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Historical Significance, +1 Branding / Consistency

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
PINK LADY BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Lady Williams

ORIGIN

Western Australia

YEAR

1985

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Applesauce,

Baking, Sour Apple

Envy Apple Review

"Great Apple for Robust Chewers"

86
Excellent
Envy Apple

Another banger from New Zealand, this delightful beauty has unparalleled taste, juiciness, and crisp flesh that won’t turn brown even after days. Not even close to the greatest of all time, this apple is still the envy of anyone looking at a shelf of Red Delicious.

Unfortunately, the transcendent taste of this very attractive sin-fruit is weighed down, literally, by its unreasonable density and excruciatingly thick skin that lingers in your mouth like a replacement tongue. Not recommended for sufferers of TMJ – this apple is worth the bite if you can commit to years of jaw therapy.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Taste, +1 Oxidation Rate, +1 Consistency

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

5/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5

TARTNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
ENVY APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Royal Gala

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2008

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching only

OTHER NAMES

Scilate

Honeycrisp Apple Review

"The Worldwide Favorite"

95
Nearly Perfect

The new kid on the block in terms of well-known apples, this go-getter went from specialty store nobody to supermarket mainstay in no time. A fan favorite likely to soon overtake the serviceable Royal Gala and belligerently disgusting Red Delicious as ‘most in-demand’ apple, this sweet, snappy savior can be credited with bringing apples back into the discussion as a relevant fruit – as well as injecting its genes into some of the best apples mankind has to offer (including the #1 SweeTango). 

While this trailblazer may have jumpstarted the Apple Renaissance, it’s up to future generations of Honeycrisp offspring to carry the torch as this splotchy MILF can be cumbersomely massive, weighing down grocery bags like a bulbous melon. And at the price – that can be a real deterrent. 

BONUS POINTS: +1 Branding / Consistency, +1 Crispness, +1 Juiciness, +1 Skin, +2 Historical Significance

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

5/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
HONEYCRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Keepsake x MN1627

ORIGIN

University of Minnesota

YEAR

1991

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Baking, Juice

OTHER NAMES

Honeycrunch

SweeTango Apple Review

"The Holy Grail "

97
Nearly Perfect
SweeTango Apple

Selectively bred to snap like a sweet piece of celery, this apple, available only in September and October (if we’re lucky) in certain super markets is the best apple ever to grace the world of Gods and men. A gifted child of the spectacular Honeycrisp and elusive Zestar, this nearly immaculate treasure was blessed with the greatest qualities of both its parents but manages to avoid any of their unfortunate flaws. If this was the apple that tempted Eve in the garden of Eden I wouldn’t blame her; for the taste of just one SweeTango is worth living through 1000 painful childbirths.

The one downside of the SweeTango – other than needlessly lopping off the “T” from “Sweet” to form the repulsively frolicsome word “Swee” – is its paltry robustness. Get these apples before November 1 or you’ll be cursing my name as you bite into a hollowed out balloon of an apple. And, if in the Western Hemisphere, don’t be fooled into buying New Zealand SweeTangos in the winter – they can’t handle the trip. 

BONUS POINTS: +2 Taste, +1 Crispness, +1 Flesh (93 -> 97)

 

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

5/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
SWEETANGO BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Zestar

ORIGIN

Minnesota, USA

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Some Baking