new zealand

Braeburn Apple Review

"The Civil Rights Apple"

73
Pretty Good
Braeburn Apple

🏅 #4 RANKED SOUR APPLE

Back in the 1950s, in a time when single-colored apples ruled the day (see Red Delicious vs. Golden Delicious), the upstart New Zealand Braeburn shocked the world with a blasphemous skin boasting two colors at once: red and green. Despite the protestations of backwards apple purists desperately clinging to the bygone days of single-color apples, the Braeburn’s complex and stupendous flavor was undeniable; this multi-toned interloper was here to stay. And stay it did, becoming one of the most popular apples worldwide for the next seven decades.

Why can’t I find Braeburn Apples anymore?

In today’s fast-paced apple world this sweet-tart, spicy maverick may at long last be obsolete. Lacking the consistency of modern apples, and suffering from difficulties like Braeburn Browning Disorder due to higher internal carbon dioxide concentrations, enterprising breeders began looking for Braeburn descendants that could replace its parent (and be trademarked for profit of course). And so, the ungrateful children of the Braeburn: Envy, Jazz, Sweetie, and Kanzi are sweeping this trailblazing old-timer into oblivion, leaving no room on the grocery store shelf for the apple to whom they owe so much.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Historical Significance

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
BRAEBURN BIO

PARENTAGE

Lady Hamilton x Granny Smith

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

1952

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Pies, Munching, Sour Apple

Koru (Plumac) Apple Review

"The Middle of the Pack"

55
Barely Worth It
Koru (Plumac) Apple

The Koru Apple (brand name of the Plumac Apple) is the definition of middling. Peacefully existing at the precise midpoint of the apple-quality spectrum, this New Zealand born chance seedling is the superior apple’s ambassador to shit. Discovered in a grower’s rose garden in the exact spot where his mother-in-law tossed a batch of rotten apples, the Koru’s origin is symbolic of its quality: one part rose, one part rotted trash. In an ironic twist, the slogan of the Koru is “Escape Ordinary” which should be read less like a superlative and more like this passable fruit’s aspirational desire.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
KORU APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Fuji

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2013

AVAILABILITY

Late Spring – Summer

BEST USES

Baking, Salads, Sparkling Juice

OTHER NAMES

Plumac

Sweetie Apple Review

"A Watery Grave"

51
Not Worth Eating
Sweetie Apples

This oblong, Salvador Dali-esque, warp-fruit generously tilts its way off your table in what can only be described as a philanthropic suicide attempt. Its obvious cry for help is understandable as no apple could continually bare to live with crunch after crunch of disappointment as an initial juicy flavor burst full of potential quickly dissipates into a very watery grave. Failing to live up to its sugary namesake, failing to live up to its Braeburn x Royal Gala heritage, failing to live up to even its initial bite, the Sweetie would be better served if it were much worse – at least then it would be worth discussing.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
SWEETIE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

Rockit Apple Review

"Bite-Sized Space Junk"

59
Barely Worth It
Rockit Apples

These bite-sized lumps of space junk are more of a celestial fascination than an apple. Cutting-edge technology places each reddish star child in a plastic bottle rocket, pre-washed and ready to eat like an astronaut’s prefab lunch. This allows weary travelers to munch these singularities straight from the fridge-space-nightmare bucket without fear of contracting cosmic bacteria. Unfortunately, each exceptionally crunchy bite is decimated by an apparent black hole, instantly sucking all taste and juiciness into inescapable oblivion. This phenomenon creates an unfathomable anti-matter apple leaving you munching a nothingness too profound to comprehend. Are these apples the dark matter physicists have been in search of for decades? I wouldn’t rule it out.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Good for Kids, +1 Innovation

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
ROCKIT APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Splendor

ORIGIN

Hawkes Bay, New Zealand

YEAR

2010

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Travel Snack, Kids Snack

Hunnyz Apple Review

"The Worst Named Apple"

60
Barely Worth It
Hunnyz Apples

It is difficult to move past the embarrassment of a name like Hunnyz. An auto-correct text that could end a relationship, the branding of this apple takes center-stage with its bastardization of the word “honey” utilizing not just an early aughts “z” but a Pooh Bear backwards “n” to boot. To make matters worse, this apple does not taste like honey in the slightest. In fact, it somewhat tastes like nothing. A sack of wet air with the occasional fruity spritz. Boasting a Honeycrisp and Crimson Crisp heritage, the saving grace of this apple is a superior crispness and snappy white flesh that may even surpass its parents in quality. Unfortunately, with a humiliating name like Hunnyz, this apple can only be scarfed down in a dark closet to avoid rightful ridicule and thus should be consumed only by the most self-confident eaters.

UPDATE 2022: I’ve tried the new crop with an open mind based on reader’s comments and, I have to say, the commenters are wrong. This apple is exactly what I remember it being: Barely Worth It. Yes, it is snappy and crunchy and juicy, but it tastes like a sack of wet air with an occasional hint of bathroom cleaner mixed in. -2 Taste, -1 Crispness, +1 Skin, -1 Flesh, +2 Juiciness, Density -1, Beauty +3, Branding -1, Cost +1. TOTAL SCORE: 61 – > 60 (Barely Worth It).

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
HUNNYZ APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Crimson Crisp

ORIGIN

Washington State, USA

YEAR

2021

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Heckle Fruit

Smitten Apple Review

"The Curb Stomp of Apples"

42
Horse Food
Smitten Apple

The curb stomp of apples, this concrete product of a masochistic breeder in New Zealand is so hard that eating it is quite a lot like biting into a rock. The witch-curse they call a tagline for this apple is “Once bitten, forever smitten”, which reads like a warning label for an impending zombie horde attack, is an appropriate motif for an apple that tastes like the guts of an undead corpse. Avoid this mealy rock-fruit at all costs, for the only person Smitten with this apple will be your local orthodontist.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
SMITTEN APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2011

AVAILABILITY

Late Spring – Early Winter

BEST USES

Basket Visual

Jazz Apple Review

"A Disharmony of Flavor Notes"

65
Mediocre
Jazz Apple

This dense, oblong, rock munch contains a dizzying array of flavors reminiscent of a pretentious jazz solo you pretend to enjoy. Not quite sweet, not quite tart, and a bit of pear thrown in for good measure – this marketing darling will keep you off-balance with a confusion of flavors that fail to harmonize effectively. Like Jazz itself, biting into this apple will spawn moments of joy and moments of boredom leaving bewildered chewers asking the question: did I really just pay for that? Not a terrible apple, but its the flavor notes I’m not tasting that bar it from a recommendation.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
JAZZ APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Gala

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2000

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Baking, Cooking

OTHER NAMES

The Lawyer’s Apple

Lemonade Apple Review

"The Not Quite Lemonade Apple"

63
Barely Worth It
Lemonade Apple

This oblong imposter from New Zealand’s Yummy Fruit Company does not taste like lemonade. It does, however, taste like a regular apple that was accidentally dropped in lemonade. This may come as a disappointment since, with its bright yellow exterior and snappy branding, you’d expect the Lemonade Apple to send you into a citrusy vortex of cockeyed hysterics, forcing your brain to cope with a contradiction of fruity discord that leaves you penniless and naked on a street corner begging pedestrians to slap you back into what you once considered reality. However, maybe we don’t need such extremities in these troubled times. Great for gift bags!

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
LEMONADE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

Early 2000s

AVAILABILITY

Summer

BEST USES

Gift Bags

Gala Apple Review

"The Inoffensive Mainstay"

70
Pretty Good
Gala Apple

🏅 #7 RANKED CIDER APPLE

The Gala is a robust apple that can be and is grown all over the world all year-long. As a result, it has become a wholly inoffensive mainstay that can be found in any supermarket, at any time, anywhere in the developed world. In fact, in 2018 the Gala surpassed the gag-worthy Red Delicious as America’s Most Popular Apple. This does not mean the Gala is some kind of transcendent Godsend. On the contrary, it is more akin to an uncool step-parent who eventually wins you over simply by consistently showing up. Red Delicious – please leave, we have a new father now.

The Gala is known by many names depending on where it is grown: Annaglo, Galaxy, Regala, Tenroy, Mondial Gala, Royal Gala, Rainier Gala. This can lead to wildly inconsistent freshness, depending on the time of year and where you’re located. You MUST buy Gala’s that are grown where it is currently Autumn. The Royal Gala from New Zealand (Queen Elizabeth II’s favorite apple – hence “Royal”) should be freshest April – June. Meanwhile, the Rainier Gala from Washington State should be freshest September – December. Take note of this, fellow munchers, for an off-season Gala may be nothing more than a six-month old, previously frozen, grain silo in a fruit jacket.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Availability

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
GALA BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x

Kidd’s Orange Red

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

1934

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Cider

OTHER NAMES

Annaglo, Galaxy, Regala,

Tenroy, Mondial Gala, Royal Gala,