pink lady

Sundowner (Cripps Red) Review

"Pink Lady's Ugly Brother"

67
Mediocre
Cripps Red Apple

The ugly brother of the Pink Lady, the Sundowner apple also known as Cripps Red, lacks the panache of its more popular sister but works with what its got to carve out an amicable reputation when not lost in the shadow of its superior sibling. Tart off the tree and sweeter as time goes on, the Sundowner fecklessly swats at a relevance it will never obtain as it attempts to discern an identity apart from “Pink Lady’s brother”. Alas, the writing is on the wall for this genetic lottery loser as it will never overcome its less-than-stellar appearance and upsettingly stupid name to be seen for the complex array of untapped potential it wishes it was.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3.5/5
SUNDOWNER BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Lady Williams

ORIGIN

Western Australia

YEAR

1973

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Cripps Red, Cripps II, Joya

Eat These Apples Instead
Sundowner Is Better Than
More on Sundowner
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Smitten Apple Review

"The Curb Stomp of Apples"

42
Horse Food
Smitten Apple

The curb stomp of apples, this concrete product of a masochistic breeder in New Zealand is so hard that eating it is quite a lot like biting into a rock. The witch-curse they call a tagline for this apple is “Once bitten, forever smitten”, which reads like a warning label for an impending zombie horde attack, is an appropriate motif for an apple that tastes like the guts of an undead corpse. Avoid this mealy rock-fruit at all costs, for the only person Smitten with this apple will be your local orthodontist.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5
SMITTEN APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2011

AVAILABILITY

Late Spring – Early Winter

BEST USES

Basket Visual

Eat These Apples Instead
Smitten Is Better Than
More on Smitten Apple
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Jazz Apple Review

"A Disharmony of Flavor Notes"

65
Mediocre
Jazz Apple

This dense, oblong, rock munch contains a dizzying array of flavors reminiscent of a pretentious jazz solo you pretend to enjoy. Not quite sweet, not quite tart, and a bit of pear thrown in for good measure – this marketing darling will keep you off-balance with a confusion of flavors that fail to harmonize effectively. Like Jazz itself, biting into this apple will spawn moments of joy and moments of boredom leaving bewildered chewers asking the question: did I really just pay for that? Not a terrible apple, but its the flavor notes I’m not tasting that bar it from a recommendation.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5
JAZZ APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Gala

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2000

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Baking, Cooking

OTHER NAMES

The Lawyer’s Apple

Eat These Apples Instead
Jazz Apples Are Better Than
More on Jazz Apples
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King David Apple Review

"The Tart of Arkansas"

72
Pretty Good
King David Apple

🏅 #3 RANKED SOUR APPLE

A tart heirloom discovered by the legendary Stark Brothers in the Ozarks in 1893, this tomato-shaped, mahogany-skinned, assemblage of complex flavors will grab your attention just long enough for you to realize the King is dead. In fact, even the Stark Brothers carelessly discarded the King David Apple once its tenuous grasp on the throne was usurped by the upstart Red Delicious (which won their company’s apple contest the very next year and was quickly trademarked). While King David still rules over a smattering of tiny fiefdoms across America, its empire is a pitiful echo of a reign that never was. If tartness is the rule of the day, look to the Kanzi for a more steadfast leader.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

TARTNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 4/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 4/5
KING DAVID BIO

PARENTAGE

Jonathan x Arkansas Black

ORIGIN

Arkansas

YEAR

1893

AVAILABILITY

Mid-Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Cider, Sour Apple

Eat These Apples Instead
King David Is Better Than
More on King David
–

SugarBee Apple Review

"The Honey Grenade"

80
Excellent
SugarBee Apple

🏅 #10 RANKED CIDER APPLE

The SugarBee, created in Minnesota by a bee’s chance cross-pollination of a Honeycrisp blossom and an unknown apple variety is a handsome skee-ball of an apple substantial enough to kill a man in close combat. When held, one can’t help but feel the reverberations of its awesome power, understanding that if man had harnessed such a densely packed sugar bomb in the state of nature he would reign supreme for generations. Thankfully, in today’s world, the natural urge to kill using this apple can easily be avoided and replaced with the joy of an exceptionally juicy bite, satisfying crunch, and a robustly rich honey-like taste.

Aside from the fact that this apple really does taste like honey, the most remarkable aspect of the SugarBee Apple is its horrifying, murder-doll-esque bee mascot. Be sure to watch the video below for a glimpse of this nightmarish CGI bee (with a little boy’s haircut for some reason) that is moments away from flying through your screen and eating your soul.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Juiciness, +1 Cider Apple

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5
SUGARBEE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Unknown

ORIGIN

Minnesota / Washington State

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Cider

Similar to SugarBee
SugarBee Is Better Than
More on SugarBee
–

Gala Apple Review

"The Inoffensive Mainstay"

70
Pretty Good
Gala Apple

🏅 #7 RANKED CIDER APPLE

The Gala is a robust apple that can be and is grown all over the world all year-long. As a result, it has become a wholly inoffensive mainstay that can be found in any supermarket, at any time, anywhere in the developed world. In fact, in 2018 the Gala surpassed the gag-worthy Red Delicious as America’s Most Popular Apple. This does not mean the Gala is some kind of transcendent Godsend. On the contrary, it is more akin to an uncool step-parent who eventually wins you over simply by consistently showing up. Red Delicious – please leave, we have a new father now.

The Gala is known by many names depending on where it is grown: Annaglo, Galaxy, Regala, Tenroy, Mondial Gala, Royal Gala, Rainier Gala. This can lead to wildly inconsistent freshness, depending on the time of year and where you’re located. You MUST buy Gala’s that are grown where it is currently Autumn. The Royal Gala from New Zealand (Queen Elizabeth II’s favorite apple – hence “Royal”) should be freshest April – June. Meanwhile, the Rainier Gala from Washington State should be freshest September – December. Take note of this, fellow munchers, for an off-season Gala may be nothing more than a six-month old, previously frozen, grain silo in a fruit jacket.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Availability

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5
GALA BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x

Kidd’s Orange Red

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

1934

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Cider

OTHER NAMES

Annaglo, Galaxy, Regala,

Tenroy, Mondial Gala, Royal Gala,

Eat These Apples Instead
Gala is Better Than
More on Gala Apples
_

Rave Apple Review

"The Knockoff Brand Honeycrisp"

79
Very Good
Rave Apple

The snappy new Rave Apple (or “First Kiss” Apple if you prefer your fruit names to contain a touch of pre-pubescent sexualization) is a discount brand Honeycrisp. Buying one of these slightly lumpy, slightly off-colored, slightly dull, outlet store apples is like buying a Coby television – sure it plays your favorite shows but something about it is just…off. In fact, at first bite, the spritely snap, wonderfully thin skin, and incredible juiciness of this apple might convince less discerning chewers that their thrifty ways have finally elevated them into the echelon of their highfalutin neighbor, Steve, with his fancy Honeycrisp Apples and LG OLED 65” television set. Ah but, the Cinderella story quickly dissipates as the flavor in your mouth melts away faster than the vibrant colors on your shit-box of a TV.

If all Honeycrisp Apples were to disappear from the Earth in some kind of fruit rapture, I would recommend the Rave Apple as a serviceable replacement. However, until the Second Coming, it is best to shell out the extra one dollar per pound and avoid this slightly less sweet, slightly less tart, slightly less pretty budget apple.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Crispness, +1 Density, +1 Skin

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5
RAVE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x MonArk

ORIGIN

Univ. of Minnesota

YEAR

2018

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Munching / Bad for Baking

OTHER NAMES

First Kiss (in Minnesota)

Eat These Apples Instead
Rave Is Better Than
Rave Apples
_

Cripps Pink Apple Review

"The Understudy of the Pink Lady"

42
Horse Food
Cripps Pink Apple

Let me be clear: Cripps Pink and Pink Lady Apples are not the same apple. Yes, it is true that Cripps Pink and Pink Lady Apples are the same genetic variety. Certain enterprising breeders may even have the audacity to claim that there is no difference between the two varieties other than a fancy trademark. But do not be fooled! Cripps Pink apples are inferior to the Pink Lady. They are the practice squad, the understudies, the B-Team – a sad, hopeless crop of dashed dreams performing a depressing charade like a group of retirees with a local theater group.

You must earn the title of Pink Lady. And the Cripps Pink apples you see in the store, after being evaluated for sugar content, firmness, color, and blemishes did not make the cut. That’s not to say a few stray Cripps Pinks might not offer a passing note of satisfaction here and there. But if you’re looking for consistency, strong flavor, and a beautiful pink exterior – pay the Cripps Pink no heed.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1.5/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5
CRIPPS PINK BIO

PARENTAGE

Lady Williams x Golden Delicious

ORIGIN

Western Australia

YEAR

1973

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

Eat These Apples Instead
Cripps Pink Is Better Than
More on Cripps Pink
–

Wild Twist Apple Review

"A Famous Person's Child"

81
Excellent
Wild Twist Apple

🏅 #5 RANKED SOUR APPLE

This salacious newcomer straight from the balls of apple scientists in sex-crazed Lancaster, Pennsylvania is a serviceable addition to what is becoming a crowded field of genetic freak, cross-bred apples. The “twist” is between the God-like Honeycrisp and bottom of the top list Pink Lady – an audacious combination that is the apple equivalent of a celebrity power couple.

But like most celebrity power couples, their less-hot offspring (while putting out a decent solo album) just can’t live up to their famous parents. Inheriting the hardness of the Pink Lady, and its unfortunate skin that lingers in your mouth like a wet paper bag, the Honeycrisp does the real heavy lifting, elevating this apple onto the bottom of the top list.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Branding

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5
WILD TWIST BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Pink Lady

ORIGIN

Lancaster, Pennsylvania

YEAR

2020

AVAILABILITY

Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Sour Apple

Similar to Wild Twist
Buy Wild Twist Instead Of
More on Wild Twist Apples
_

Pink Lady Apple Review

"A Fiery Troublemaker"

86
Excellent
Pink Lady Apple

🏅 #7 RANKED SOUR APPLE

The perfect blend of sweet and tart, this fiery bitch is a headliner at supermarkets worldwide. Not as snappy as you’d like, and dense enough to hammer a nail, this unflappable cart-stopper is a true trailblazer as the first apple name to be awarded a trademark.

But the name “Pink Lady” isn’t just snappy branding. It’s a badge of honor bestowed only upon the worthy. Every year, millions of pitiful Cripps Pink apples desperately cling to the ever-vanishing hope that they would one day ascend past their beggarly form to the vaunted moniker of  “Pink Lady.” But only the true standouts meet this high standard while the undeserving are relegated to the *gag* discount stores. This taxing gauntlet results in a remarkably consistent apple.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Historical Significance, +1 Branding / Consistency

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5
PINK LADY BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Lady Williams

ORIGIN

Western Australia

YEAR

1985

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Applesauce,

Baking, Sour Apple

Similar to Pink Lady
Buy Pink Lady Instead Of
More on Pink Lady Apples
_

Ruby Frost Apple Review

"Thick-Skinned New York Fuckboi"

69
Mediocre
Ruby Frost Apple

You wanna talk about a handsome apple? This New York bred sex-fruit will ride you like the A-Train from here to Poughkeepsie. Only problem is, like most hot New Yorkers, this puppy has a skin so thick getting through to this fuckboi is like trying to cross the GW Bridge at rush hour. But hey, If you’re able to choke down the seat-belt strap material that it calls ‘skin’ you’ll be rewarded with a great snap and mildly sweet taste that’s juicier than a pigeon’s ass over heeee. Too bad that’s impossible.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3.5/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5
RUBY FROST BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Autumn Crisp

ORIGIN

Cornell University

YEAR

2015

AVAILABILITY

Winter

BEST USES

Winter Apple, Baking

Eat These Apples Instead
Ruby Frost is Better Than
More on Ruby Frost Apples
_

Lady Alice Apple Review

"A Perfectly Nice Lady"

56
Barely Worth It
Lady Alice Apple

This non-playable character of an apple, spawned by a freak accident involving a tractor blade and a Red Delicious tree (not a joke), is an unremarkable background extra with no distinguishable qualities beyond a mildly interesting Victorian-Era sticker. Confusingly named “Lady Alice”, since this apple has nothing to do with the much more famous Pink Lady, Alice has a middling candy-like sweetness, a skin that won’t offend, and a juiciness that’ll have to do, I guess. Alice is a perfectly nice lady, but like an office colleague who sits somewhere over there, you will forget this apple’s name in the elevator even though it may have joined you for lunch on multiple occasions.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5

TARTNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5
LADY ALICE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Unknown

ORIGIN

Gleed, Washington – USA

YEAR

1979

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Winter Apple, Baking

Eat These Apples Instead
Lady Alice is Better Than
More on Lady Alice Apples
–