honeycrisp

Blondee Apple Review

"The Mutant Gala"

62
Barely Worth It
Blondee Apple

At the turn of the millennium Tom and Bob McLaughlin (not to be confused with midwest radio hosts Bob and Tom) were taking a folksy stroll through their orchard when something caught their eye. A yellow apple growing on a Gala tree. Now, everyone and their mother knows that Gala apples are red. Not yellow. So how did this freckly, golden invader come to pass? Well – it turns out it was a mutant. A cosmic fluke. An aberration. We’ve all seen variations on a tree before. They’re called “sports” in apple parlance. But a yellow apple growing on a Red Gala tree? Someone call Maury! Or maybe Professor X.

Now, ol’ Tom and Bob may have simple names, but they have big ideas, and this “Yellow Gala”, as it is sometimes referred, was to be cultivated as a brand new apple that would become known as The Blondee – which is a fine name but I personally think the name “Mutant Gala” would’ve sold more apples.

Fascinating origin story aside, the Blondee apple is not the evolutionary superior to the Gala. A little too dense and not quite juicy enough, this rather crunchy, rare early-season yellow apple has a decent flavor complexity ranging from spicy to sweet. But, all-in-all, nothing about this apple warrants the effort it would take to acquire. Basically, if this mutant was an X-Men character, it probably wouldn’t make it into the movies.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
BLONDEE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x

Kidd’s Orange Red

ORIGIN

Portsmouth, Ohio

YEAR

2012

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Platters, Salads

OTHER NAMES

The Yellow Gala

Kiku Apple Review

"A Fuji In Disguise"

42
Horse Food
Kiku Apple

Buyer beware! This exclusive Italian club apple is nothing more than a Fuji off-shoot rebranded as an undiscovered Pokemon. Known as a “sport” apple, the Kiku is a variant of its Fuji parent found growing on the same tree – only slightly redder and larger. But, make no mistake, this is not the evolutionary Blastoise to the Fuji’s Squirtle. In fact, a Kiku is nearly indistinguishable from a Fuji aside from its increased cost, decreased availability, and being named after a Japanese anime girl’s sneeze.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
KIKU APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Fuji Sport

ORIGIN

Japan / Italy

YEAR

2010

AVAILABILITY

Late Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Applesauce

OTHER NAMES

Fuji

EverCrisp Apple Review

"The Jawbreaker"

70
Pretty Good
EverCrisp Apple

The EverCrisp Apple is a sickeningly sweet colossus of impenetrable construction that will delight the most saccharine taste buds of children everywhere. Truly, the Jawbreaker of apples, this nectarous midwestern rock candy will shatter the sweet tooth of all those who dare engage in its consumption. A cross between a Honeycrisp and Fuji, the EverCrisp takes the strengths of both apples to the extreme, birthing a single syrupy flavor note bursting out of each supremely juicy, satisfyingly crisp bite. A disappointment for fans of tang, tart, or any flavor complexity whatsoever, the EverCrisp is a must-try for all those looking for their next sugary fix.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4.5/5

Red Apple Icon
4.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
EVERCRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Fuji

ORIGIN

Indiana / Ohio

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Early Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

OTHER NAMES

MAIA-1

Pazazz Apple Review

"The Desperate Musical Theater Major"

60
Barely Worth It
Pazazz Apple


A hefty prize horse created by honeybees in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, the Pazazz Apple will elbow its way into your mouth like a musical theater major looking for acceptance and leave behind a mild taste as memorable as said student’s inevitably disappointing career. Each bite of the Pazazz is a masterclass in stage hand-combat (particularly if you pick up the larger non-bagged varieties) forcing you to contend with a formidable construction and razor-sharp skin that will end your singing career early. All in all, the Pazazz Apple is “a lot”. However, if you can move past the cries of desperation that surround it, you will find exceptional juiciness and a good crisp bite that may be worth, at the very least, an audition with your tastebuds.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
PAZAZZ APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Unknown

ORIGIN

Eau Claire, Wisconsin

YEAR

2016

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

OTHER NAMES

The Jolly Rancher Apple

WineCrisp Apple Review

"A Bottom-Shelf Vintage"

65
Mediocre
WineCrisp Apples

The purple-hued WineCrisp Apple boasts a complex flavor profile that would give a pretentious sommelier quite a lot to blab about. Sweet and juicy with notes of berry, spice, and dare I say, citrus?, the purveyors of this finely-crafted 2008 vintage from the Illinois region bred their stock with taste in mind – a taste which improves with time, as flavors enhance after thirty days of cold storage. Sadly, this exotic debutante is overwhelmed by subtle hints of “knife-skin” stabbing your throat like the cheap corkscrew you left in your first apartment. Additionally, the robust flesh is so densely packed it feels almost indestructible. Serviceable for a night at home, the WineCrisp is best left in the cellar when entertaining or on special occasions. Pairs well with dessert.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
WINECRISP APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Cox’s Orange Pippin x Rome x

Jonathan x Newtown Pippin x

Crab apple

ORIGIN

PRI – Purdue U., Rutgers U., 

U. of Illinois Cooperative

Breeding Project

YEAR

2008

AVAILABILITY

Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Dessert

OTHER NAMES

Co-op 31

Top Secret Apple Review

"A Dead-End Conspiracy Theory"

58
Barely Worth It
Top Secret Apple

Not much is known about this mystery apple still being concocted in upstate New York by the likely Illuminati backed powers-that-be at the Honeycrisp Orchards. Pivotal information such as lineage, robustness, and breeding are being held under strict lock and key leaving the unworthy masses of sheeple in the dark about this fruity enigma. Unfortunately, this is one secret that may be best kept under wraps. Extremely juicy, yes, but with lizard skin worthy of a Reptilian shape-shifter and a taste as unpleasant as a conversation with Alex Jones this apple should be ignored like an unhinged post on 4Chan.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
TOP SECRET APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

???

ORIGIN

Marlboro, New York

YEAR

Not Yet Released

AVAILABILITY

???

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Name Change Forthcoming

Juici (Juic!) Apple Review

"A Pandering Litigious Gigolo"

65
Mediocre
Juici Apple

The Juic! Apple (pronounced “Juicy” and not “Jwik!” as the spelling would imply) is a controversial, social media influencer backed, try-hard whose positive qualities are mired by an absolute shit personality. Bred in idyllic Wenatchee, Washington with powerhouse parents Honeycrisp and Braeburn, this apple is thin-skinned, long-lasting, has a great crunch, and above all is incredibly juicy (or Juic! as some spell it).

But don’t be fooled by the failed Olympics logo that brands the Juic! DeliteTM – none of the aforementioned superlatives can compensate for a blasé flavor profile that lacks any discernible character. Worst of all, this litigious gigolo sued small-town apple growers in New England for trying to rebrand their Jonagold Apple to the JuicyGold. No one in Appleandia should own the word “Juicy”. The lawsuits, the social media influencer outreach, and the name with an ! at the end all scream of corporate execs pandering to younger generations and falling on their face with an audible Jwik!

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
JUICI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Braeburn

ORIGIN

Wenatchee, Washington

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Juicing

OTHER NAMES

Juici Delite TM

SnapDragon Apple Review

"A Chomp-Worthy Newcomer"

87
Excellent
SnapDragon Apple

This chomp-worthy newcomer from Cornell University’s Apple Breeding Program is the company rival to the parallel developed Ruby Frost. But that thick-skinned ice queen is incinerated by the SnapDragon’s crisp flesh, exceptional juiciness, and expectation-surpassing “Monster Crunch.” A semi-unsightly mythical offspring of the Honeycrisp, the fantastically branded SnapDragon is endowed with its mother’s best familial qualities that have secured the reign of her wide-ranging empire for the past several decades.

However, if the Honeycrisp empire were bequeathed to the SnapDragon it would quickly fall. Despite its titanic crunch, mellow flavor notes of what some may describe as “vanilla” or “melon” are far too understated to keep the masses satiated for long. Additionally, with a tree that “lacks vigor”, this dragon has proven to be a monster of a problem for apple breeders hoping to spread their wings beyond New York State.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Branding, +1 Crispness, +1 Density, +1 Flesh

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5
SNAPDRAGON BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x

Golden Delicious x

Monroe x Melrose

ORIGIN

Cornell University, New York

YEAR

2015

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Salads

Cosmic Crisp Apple Review

"The Most Overhyped Apple of All Time"

74
Pretty Good
Cosmic Crisp Apple

The Cosmic Crisp Apple is not a bad apple. And for an ordinary apple, such a tepid review would be perfectly acceptable. However, the Cosmic Crisp is no ordinary apple. Nay, it may be the most extraordinary apple our capitalist society has ever manufactured. And the word “manufactured” is all but too accurate as the Cosmic Crisp has been in development for decades. It has been taste-tested, focus-grouped, and cross-bred to become a marketable fruit darling akin to a teenage pop star singing songs written by a computer. And just like those grating songs you can’t get out of your head, the scales have been tipped in favor of the Cosmic Crisp via a hype machine boasting a $10 million initial investment.

The result? A beautiful-looking apple worthy of a Wes Anderson prop that could not live up to the lofty expectations set before it. With an above-average crunch, but below-average sweetness, this apple screams mediocrity. And as for that drop-dead gorgeous exterior? The debt is paid for such beauty with a thicker than expected skin that lingers like the disappointment of apple fans everywhere.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Beauty

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
COSMIC CRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Enterprise x Honeycrisp

ORIGIN

Wenatchee, Washington – USA

YEAR

2019

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

Rave Apple Review

"The Knockoff Brand Honeycrisp"

79
Very Good
Rave Apple

The snappy new Rave Apple (or “First Kiss” Apple if you prefer your fruit names to contain a touch of pre-pubescent sexualization) is a discount brand Honeycrisp. Buying one of these slightly lumpy, slightly off-colored, slightly dull, outlet store apples is like buying a Coby television – sure it plays your favorite shows but something about it is just…off. In fact, at first bite, the spritely snap, wonderfully thin skin, and incredible juiciness of this apple might convince less discerning chewers that their thrifty ways have finally elevated them into the echelon of their highfalutin neighbor, Steve, with his fancy Honeycrisp Apples and LG OLED 65” television set. Ah but, the Cinderella story quickly dissipates as the flavor in your mouth melts away faster than the vibrant colors on your shit-box of a TV.

If all Honeycrisp Apples were to disappear from the Earth in some kind of fruit rapture, I would recommend the Rave Apple as a serviceable replacement. However, until the Second Coming, it is best to shell out the extra one dollar per pound and avoid this slightly less sweet, slightly less tart, slightly less pretty budget apple.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Crispness, +1 Density, +1 Skin

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
RAVE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x MonArk

ORIGIN

Univ. of Minnesota

YEAR

2018

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Munching / Bad for Baking

OTHER NAMES

First Kiss (in Minnesota)

Lucy Glo Apple Review

"The Breathtaking Circus Freak"

85
Excellent
Lucy Glo Apple

🏅 #6 RANKED SOUR APPLE

The Lucy Glo is a circus-freak apple with yellow skin and a red interior that shocks skeptics into submission. Most would expect this clown-urine soaked frog testicle to taste like an unhealed surgical wound since each bite resembles a freshly picked scab. However, most (whoever they are) should prepare their expectations to be shattered. This candy-like, perfectly tart, masterclass in a full flavor profile is a joy to eat and lives up to its flashy appearance. A novelty apple, this is not. Major branding deduction as the Lucy Glo is easily confused with its far inferior sister apple the Lucy Rose.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Uniqueness, +3 Taste, +2 Flesh

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
LUCY GLO BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Rosaceae Family

ORIGIN

Washington State

YEAR

2018

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall 

BEST USES

Munching, Party Tray, Sour Apple

Lucy Rose Apple Review

"The Shallow Person's Regret"

69
Mediocre
Lucy Rose Apple

Boasting a beautiful deep red skin, The Lucy Rose is the hot sibling with no personality to the less attractive Lucy Glo. An odd-tasting, tartless, hottie filled with no substance, each bite of this mirthless stankfruit will leave you wishing you hadn’t been so shallow and went for the much cooler Lucy Glo.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Uniqueness, +2 Flesh

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
LUCY ROSE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Rosaceae Family

ORIGIN

Washington State

YEAR

2018

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Party Tray

Kanzi Apple Review

"The European Party Apple"

93
Superb
Kanzi Apple

🏅 #1 RANKED SOUR APPLE

Keep this apple away from your children. For one bite of this dangerously tart, Sour Warhead-esque European party apple can send even the most hardened chewers down a wormhole of indescribable intensity rendering normal life a feckless charade lacking all discernible stimuli.

The provocative slogan of this fruit-like opioid is “Seduce Life” – a despicable and totally inappropriate combination of words for any occasion, much less a fruit’s mantra. But perhaps the Belgian sociopaths who cooked up this irresistible scourge on humanity uttered these words as a warning. Heed them or become one of the delirious hordes of cocksure maniacs who dared enter the realm of psychedelic ecstasy that is the Kanzi. Once you do, you may never be able to break free from the siren’s embrace.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Taste

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

5/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5

INTENSITY

100/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5
KANZI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

Belgium

YEAR

2004

AVAILABILITY

Late Winter – Early Spring

BEST USES

Party Night, Sour Apple

OTHER NAMES

Nicoter

Wild Twist Apple Review

"A Famous Person's Child"

81
Excellent
Wild Twist Apple

🏅 #5 RANKED SOUR APPLE

This salacious newcomer straight from the balls of apple scientists in sex-crazed Lancaster, Pennsylvania is a serviceable addition to what is becoming a crowded field of genetic freak, cross-bred apples. The “twist” is between the God-like Honeycrisp and bottom of the top list Pink Lady – an audacious combination that is the apple equivalent of a celebrity power couple.

But like most celebrity power couples, their less-hot offspring (while putting out a decent solo album) just can’t live up to their famous parents. Inheriting the hardness of the Pink Lady, and its unfortunate skin that lingers in your mouth like a wet paper bag, the Honeycrisp does the real heavy lifting, elevating this apple onto the bottom of the top list.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Branding

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
WILD TWIST BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Pink Lady

ORIGIN

Lancaster, Pennsylvania

YEAR

2020

AVAILABILITY

Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Sour Apple

Pink Lady Apple Review

"A Fiery Troublemaker"

86
Excellent
Pink Lady Apple

🏅 #7 RANKED SOUR APPLE

The perfect blend of sweet and tart, this fiery bitch is a headliner at supermarkets worldwide. Not as snappy as you’d like, and dense enough to hammer a nail, this unflappable cart-stopper is a true trailblazer as the first apple name to be awarded a trademark.

But the name “Pink Lady” isn’t just snappy branding. It’s a badge of honor bestowed only upon the worthy. Every year, millions of pitiful Cripps Pink apples desperately cling to the ever-vanishing hope that they would one day ascend past their beggarly form to the vaunted moniker of  “Pink Lady.” But only the true standouts meet this high standard while the undeserving are relegated to the *gag* discount stores. This taxing gauntlet results in a remarkably consistent apple.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Historical Significance, +1 Branding / Consistency

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
PINK LADY BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Lady Williams

ORIGIN

Western Australia

YEAR

1985

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Applesauce,

Baking, Sour Apple

Envy Apple Review

"Great Apple for Robust Chewers"

86
Excellent
Envy Apple

Another banger from New Zealand, this delightful beauty has unparalleled taste, juiciness, and crisp flesh that won’t turn brown even after days. Not even close to the greatest of all time, this apple is still the envy of anyone looking at a shelf of Red Delicious.

Unfortunately, the transcendent taste of this very attractive sin-fruit is weighed down, literally, by its unreasonable density and excruciatingly thick skin that lingers in your mouth like a replacement tongue. Not recommended for sufferers of TMJ – this apple is worth the bite if you can commit to years of jaw therapy.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Taste, +1 Oxidation Rate, +1 Consistency

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

5/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5

TARTNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
ENVY APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Royal Gala

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2008

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching only

OTHER NAMES

Scilate

Honeycrisp Apple Review

"The Worldwide Favorite"

95
Nearly Perfect

The new kid on the block in terms of well-known apples, this go-getter went from specialty store nobody to supermarket mainstay in no time. A fan favorite likely to soon overtake the serviceable Royal Gala and belligerently disgusting Red Delicious as ‘most in-demand’ apple, this sweet, snappy savior can be credited with bringing apples back into the discussion as a relevant fruit – as well as injecting its genes into some of the best apples mankind has to offer (including the #1 SweeTango). 

While this trailblazer may have jumpstarted the Apple Renaissance, it’s up to future generations of Honeycrisp offspring to carry the torch as this splotchy MILF can be cumbersomely massive, weighing down grocery bags like a bulbous melon. And at the price – that can be a real deterrent. 

BONUS POINTS: +1 Branding / Consistency, +1 Crispness, +1 Juiciness, +1 Skin, +2 Historical Significance

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

5/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
HONEYCRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Keepsake x MN1627

ORIGIN

University of Minnesota

YEAR

1991

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Baking, Juice

OTHER NAMES

Honeycrunch