australia

MiApple Apple Review

"The Narc of Apples"

39
Horse Food

This bizarrely packaged mini-apple is what an alien would put in your cell at a human zoo if it was trying to feed you “authentic Earth-food”. I’m not sure an apple can qualify as a “narc” but, it certainly feels like this perfectly manicured, corporate shill is trying way too hard to prove it is, in fact, an apple. Sold in either a box that could just as easily contain a DVD player, or a hermetically-sealed bag adorned with stock photos of athletic white folks, the MiApple (which I can only guess is pronounced My-Apple, and not the pirate-esque Me-Apple) attempts to attract customers with pithy, bleached, robot-speak slogans that include the word “mi” instead of “my“. Do the phrases “mi body fuel” and “mi energy boost” do anything for you? Of course not.

That being said, like a soul-crushing job that pays just enough to stomach, this colossal misfire of a marketing ploy could be overlooked if the apple tasted decent. But, alas, what we have here is a mealy, juiceless, thick-skinned, replica of an apple that will have no place in MiHouse.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
MIAPPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Fuji

ORIGIN

Australia

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Decoration

Sweetie Apple Review

"A Watery Grave"

51
Not Worth Eating
Sweetie Apples

This oblong, Salvador Dali-esque, warp-fruit generously tilts its way off your table in what can only be described as a philanthropic suicide attempt. Its obvious cry for help is understandable as no apple could continually bare to live with crunch after crunch of disappointment as an initial juicy flavor burst full of potential quickly dissipates into a very watery grave. Failing to live up to its sugary namesake, failing to live up to its Braeburn x Royal Gala heritage, failing to live up to even its initial bite, the Sweetie would be better served if it were much worse – at least then it would be worth discussing.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
SWEETIE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

Sundowner (Cripps Red) Review

"Pink Lady's Ugly Brother"

67
Mediocre
Cripps Red Apple

The ugly brother of the Pink Lady, the Sundowner apple also known as Cripps Red, lacks the panache of its more popular sister but works with what its got to carve out an amicable reputation when not lost in the shadow of its superior sibling. Tart off the tree and sweeter as time goes on, the Sundowner fecklessly swats at a relevance it will never obtain as it attempts to discern an identity apart from “Pink Lady’s brother”. Alas, the writing is on the wall for this genetic lottery loser as it will never overcome its less-than-stellar appearance and upsettingly stupid name to be seen for the complex array of untapped potential it wishes it was.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
SUNDOWNER BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Lady Williams

ORIGIN

Western Australia

YEAR

1973

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Cripps Red, Cripps II, Joya

SugarBee Apple Review

"The Honey Grenade"

80
Excellent
SugarBee Apple

🏅 #10 RANKED CIDER APPLE

The SugarBee, created in Minnesota by a bee’s chance cross-pollination of a Honeycrisp blossom and an unknown apple variety is a handsome skee-ball of an apple substantial enough to kill a man in close combat. When held, one can’t help but feel the reverberations of its awesome power, understanding that if man had harnessed such a densely packed sugar bomb in the state of nature he would reign supreme for generations. Thankfully, in today’s world, the natural urge to kill using this apple can easily be avoided and replaced with the joy of an exceptionally juicy bite, satisfying crunch, and a robustly rich honey-like taste.

Aside from the fact that this apple really does taste like honey, the most remarkable aspect of the SugarBee Apple is its horrifying, murder-doll-esque bee mascot. Be sure to watch the video below for a glimpse of this nightmarish CGI bee (with a little boy’s haircut for some reason) that is moments away from flying through your screen and eating your soul.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Juiciness, +1 Cider Apple

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
SUGARBEE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Unknown

ORIGIN

Minnesota / Washington State

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Cider

Cripps Pink Apple Review

"The Understudy of the Pink Lady"

42
Horse Food
Cripps Pink Apple

Let me be clear: Cripps Pink and Pink Lady Apples are not the same apple. Yes, it is true that Cripps Pink and Pink Lady Apples are the same genetic variety. Certain enterprising breeders may even have the audacity to claim that there is no difference between the two varieties other than a fancy trademark. But do not be fooled! Cripps Pink apples are inferior to the Pink Lady. They are the practice squad, the understudies, the B-Team – a sad, hopeless crop of dashed dreams performing a depressing charade like a group of retirees with a local theater group.

You must earn the title of Pink Lady. And the Cripps Pink apples you see in the store, after being evaluated for sugar content, firmness, color, and blemishes did not make the cut. That’s not to say a few stray Cripps Pinks might not offer a passing note of satisfaction here and there. But if you’re looking for consistency, strong flavor, and a beautiful pink exterior – pay the Cripps Pink no heed.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
CRIPPS PINK BIO

PARENTAGE

Lady Williams x Golden Delicious

ORIGIN

Western Australia

YEAR

1973

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Baking