golden delicious

Ludacrisp Apple Review

"The Dirty South Rapple"

75
Very Good
Ludacrisp Apple

Intentional or not, this hefty behemoth of an apple is named after Dirty South rapper Ludacris of “Move B***** Get Out Da Way” fame. The word ludicrous is spelled with an “I”. The rapper Ludacris is spelled with an “A”. And so, naming an apple Ludacrisp (with an “A”) is an obvious homage to the early-2000s undisputed king of southern hospitality. Yet, in a baffling omission, the Midwest Apple Improvement Association seems to purposely ignore this blatant connection:

“The name Ludacrisp® is a play on the word “ludicrous,” meaning something that is absurd, joking, nonsensical, and playful. The apple’s name was created to make people smile.”

And so, just like the Spotify playlists of the midwest farmers who named it, Ludacris is nowhere to be found. Admittedly, it would be difficult to sell a supermarket on a dirty south rapple with a sign that says “Move Pears Get Out Da Way.” Perhaps it’s best the connection remain unspoken, and those who know, just know?

To be fair, the discoverer of this apple wished to call it the “Juicy Fruit” – because it tastes like the shitty gum. Which is not only a stupid name – it is also a trademarked name and therefore, impossible. However, Juicy Fruit may be a more appropriate label than Ludacrisp since while this apple is only moderately crispy, it is, in fact, ludicrously juicy. As juicy as a ho’s ass – as Luda might say. On the flip side, like Luda’s raunchy lyrics, this apple packs a powerful flavor-punch that will remain incredibly divisive.

And so, despite the confusion surrounding the name, the Ludacrisp is a must-try apple. After one ho-smacking bite, you’ll either be calling the FCC to have it banned, or telling the other apples in your fridge to get out da way.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Juiciness

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
LUDACRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp

ORIGIN

Pataskala, Ohio

YEAR

2019

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Cider, Muching, Salads

OTHER NAMES

Juicy Fruit, MAIA-L

Braeburn Apple Review

"The Civil Rights Apple"

73
Pretty Good
Braeburn Apple

🏅 #4 RANKED SOUR APPLE

Back in the 1950s, in a time when single-colored apples ruled the day (see Red Delicious vs. Golden Delicious), the upstart New Zealand Braeburn shocked the world with a blasphemous skin boasting two colors at once: red and green. Despite the protestations of backwards apple purists desperately clinging to the bygone days of single-color apples, the Braeburn’s complex and stupendous flavor was undeniable; this multi-toned interloper was here to stay. And stay it did, becoming one of the most popular apples worldwide for the next seven decades.

Why can’t I find Braeburn Apples anymore?

In today’s fast-paced apple world this sweet-tart, spicy maverick may at long last be obsolete. Lacking the consistency of modern apples, and suffering from difficulties like Braeburn Browning Disorder due to higher internal carbon dioxide concentrations, enterprising breeders began looking for Braeburn descendants that could replace its parent (and be trademarked for profit of course). And so, the ungrateful children of the Braeburn: Envy, Jazz, Sweetie, and Kanzi are sweeping this trailblazing old-timer into oblivion, leaving no room on the grocery store shelf for the apple to whom they owe so much.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Historical Significance

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
BRAEBURN BIO

PARENTAGE

Lady Hamilton x Granny Smith

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

1952

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Pies, Munching, Sour Apple

Golden Delicious Apple Review

"The West Virginia Has-Been"

33
Horse Food
Golden Delicious Apple

The official state fruit of West Virginia, this green-yellow beauty saw its heyday in the Progressive Era when marketed by the Stark Bros as a companion apple to the, then blockbuster smash hit, Red Delicious. One hundred years later, with our collective distaste for the Red Delicious fully realized, this ill-fated adopted brother may as well be called the “Golden Bin Laden.” Fortunately, for consumers who have rightfully shied away from this fading memory of an apple, the mushy, bland, juiceless, Golden Delicious doesn’t bring much to the table aside from fathering better apples and having a nice looking exterior fit for a 2013 U.S. Postal Stamp.

🏅 #8 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5
GOLDEN DELICIOUS BIO

PARENTAGE

Grimes Golden x Golden Reinette

ORIGIN

West Virginia

YEAR

1905

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Apple Sauce, Apple Butter, Cider

OTHER NAMES

Mullin’s Yellow Seedling, 

Annit Apple, Yellow Delicious

GoldRush Apple Review

"A Goldmine of Flavor"

76
Very Good
GoldRush Apple

🏅 #1 RANKED CIDER APPLE  | 🏅 #2 RANKED YELLOW APPLE

This pockmarked goiter on a prospector’s neck proves that looks aren’t everything as digging in to this juicy nugget provides a goldmine of spritely flavors ranging from tart to sweet. Searching for gold does not come without hardship however, as the GoldRush Apple has a thicker than desired skin that would require a sturdy pick-axe in the off-season. Thankfully, the lands out west (or confusingly Indiana in this case) graced the GoldRush Apple with a long growing season and an eye-popping shelf-life of seven full months. This is why any experienced mountaineer can tell you that stocking up on these precious apples to get through the harsh winter is a plan as good as gold.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Cider Apple, +2 Longevity

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
GOLDRUSH BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Winesap

Melrose / Rome / Beauty

ORIGIN

Purdue University

YEAR

1993

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Dessert, Hard Cider

OTHER NAMES

Co-op38

Jonagold Apple Review

"A Forgettable College Friend"

57
Barely Worth It
Jonagold Apple

This bi-colored New York bred forget-me-fruit will vanish from your memory bank like the Ivy League School at which it was developed (Cornell University). A middling sweet-tart taste and ordinary crunch is double majored with granular apple meat and electrical tape skin. The Jonagold is a C-student which took advantage of its privileged upbringing by frequently studying abroad, particularly in Belgium where it accounts for nearly 70 percent of that nation’s apple production. But, make no mistake, no amount of international travel can make this blockable Facebook friend interesting enough to invite to your next dinner party.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
JONAGOLD APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Jonathan

ORIGIN

Cornell University, New York

YEAR

1953

AVAILABILITY

Fall

BEST USES

Desserts, Apple Cider

OTHER NAMES

Jonared, Decosta, Primo,

Rubinstar, Red Jonaprince

Ambrosia Apple Review

"The Chosen Apple"

76
Very Good
Ambrosia Apple

Ambrosia is the food of the Gods, and while this reclaimed Canadian splotch-ball fails to ascend to the vaunted halls of immortality, it is still a very good apple fit for consumption by us mere mortals. Plucked from Canadian obscurity by The McDougall Family of Wenatchee, WA this honey-sweet, juicy and crisp, straightforward-tasting apple was given the divine nudge to become an affordable, year-round chosen fruit. And while it has parted the sea of lesser apples to emerge as a popular staple, it’s lack of flavor complexity and inconsistency on the shelf makes it fall short of the similar God-like Honeycrisp. So while not a false idol, it’s hard to put all of one’s faith in an apple so imperfect.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
AMBROSIA APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Jonagold x Golden Delicious

ORIGIN

British Columbia, Canada

(now Wenatchee, WA)

YEAR

1990s

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Ambrosia Gold