ohio

Ludacrisp Apple Review

"The Dirty South Rapple"

75
Very Good
Ludacrisp Apple

Intentional or not, this hefty behemoth of an apple is named after Dirty South rapper Ludacris of “Move B***** Get Out Da Way” fame. The word ludicrous is spelled with an “I”. The rapper Ludacris is spelled with an “A”. And so, naming an apple Ludacrisp (with an “A”) is an obvious homage to the early-2000s undisputed king of southern hospitality. Yet, in a baffling omission, the Midwest Apple Improvement Association seems to purposely ignore this blatant connection:

“The name Ludacrisp® is a play on the word “ludicrous,” meaning something that is absurd, joking, nonsensical, and playful. The apple’s name was created to make people smile.”

And so, just like the Spotify playlists of the midwest farmers who named it, Ludacris is nowhere to be found. Admittedly, it would be difficult to sell a supermarket on a dirty south rapple with a sign that says “Move Pears Get Out Da Way.” Perhaps it’s best the connection remain unspoken, and those who know, just know?

To be fair, the discoverer of this apple wished to call it the “Juicy Fruit” – because it tastes like the shitty gum. Which is not only a stupid name – it is also a trademarked name and therefore, impossible. However, Juicy Fruit may be a more appropriate label than Ludacrisp since while this apple is only moderately crispy, it is, in fact, ludicrously juicy. As juicy as a ho’s ass – as Luda might say. On the flip side, like Luda’s raunchy lyrics, this apple packs a powerful flavor-punch that will remain incredibly divisive.

And so, despite the confusion surrounding the name, the Ludacrisp is a must-try apple. After one ho-smacking bite, you’ll either be calling the FCC to have it banned, or telling the other apples in your fridge to get out da way.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Juiciness

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
LUDACRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp

ORIGIN

Pataskala, Ohio

YEAR

2019

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Cider, Muching, Salads

OTHER NAMES

Juicy Fruit, MAIA-L

Jonathan Apple Review

"An Odd Homeschooled Boy"

39
Horse Food
Jonathan Apple

🏅 #6 RANKED CIDER APPLE

This mealy disgrace, named after the boy in your third-grade class who always had dirt on his face, has the consistency of old snow wrapped in electrical tape. The only thing more difficult than getting past the off-putting name of “Jonathan” – a fine name for a boy with a lollipop but not for a fruit – is burrowing through the leathery deep-red skin shrouding its mushy innards. A quite handsome apple with exceptional juiciness, Jonathan once held so much promise, but this early 19th century heirloom is destined to be homeschooled as it is too sensitive (to both disease and bruising) to flourish in a normal setting. The best we can hope for from sweet, little Jonathan is a decent juice or cider, but in all likelihood this apple will slowly fade from our sight and memory only to be loved by its own mother.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
JONATHAN BIO

PARENTAGE

 Esopus Spitzenburg

ORIGIN

Woodstock, NY or Ohio Wilds

YEAR

1796 or 1826

AVAILABILITY

Fall

BEST USES

Cider or Juice

OTHER NAMES

Ricks Apple

Melrose Apple Review

"The All-American Apple"

43
Horse Food
Melrose Apple

This WWII-era tank-fruit is a daunting behemoth that could easily smash in a Nazi’s skull if hurled at close range. Dense, thick-skinned, and great in an apple pie, this state apple of Ohio may be the most American apple on Earth. But don’t fill your victory garden with Melrose trees just yet. Like war, this apple is ugly, and despite a decently tart taste, the Melrose could never overcome its ungainly thick skin and gruesome appearance. Growers even tried to breed the ugliness out of the apple in the 1970s but like most American exploits in the 70s, failed miserably. So I say, salute The Greatest Generation by skinning this apple and baking it in a pie, but when it comes to your kitchen it’s best if the Melrose went AWOL.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
MELROSE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Jonathan x Red Delicious

ORIGIN

Wooster, Ohio

YEAR

1944

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Baking, Apple Pie

Blondee Apple Review

"The Mutant Gala"

62
Barely Worth It
Blondee Apple

At the turn of the millennium Tom and Bob McLaughlin (not to be confused with midwest radio hosts Bob and Tom) were taking a folksy stroll through their orchard when something caught their eye. A yellow apple growing on a Gala tree. Now, everyone and their mother knows that Gala apples are red. Not yellow. So how did this freckly, golden invader come to pass? Well – it turns out it was a mutant. A cosmic fluke. An aberration. We’ve all seen variations on a tree before. They’re called “sports” in apple parlance. But a yellow apple growing on a Red Gala tree? Someone call Maury! Or maybe Professor X.

Now, ol’ Tom and Bob may have simple names, but they have big ideas, and this “Yellow Gala”, as it is sometimes referred, was to be cultivated as a brand new apple that would become known as The Blondee – which is a fine name but I personally think the name “Mutant Gala” would’ve sold more apples.

Fascinating origin story aside, the Blondee apple is not the evolutionary superior to the Gala. A little too dense and not quite juicy enough, this rather crunchy, rare early-season yellow apple has a decent flavor complexity ranging from spicy to sweet. But, all-in-all, nothing about this apple warrants the effort it would take to acquire. Basically, if this mutant was an X-Men character, it probably wouldn’t make it into the movies.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
BLONDEE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x

Kidd’s Orange Red

ORIGIN

Portsmouth, Ohio

YEAR

2012

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Platters, Salads

OTHER NAMES

The Yellow Gala

EverCrisp Apple Review

"The Jawbreaker"

70
Pretty Good
EverCrisp Apple

The EverCrisp Apple is a sickeningly sweet colossus of impenetrable construction that will delight the most saccharine taste buds of children everywhere. Truly, the Jawbreaker of apples, this nectarous midwestern rock candy will shatter the sweet tooth of all those who dare engage in its consumption. A cross between a Honeycrisp and Fuji, the EverCrisp takes the strengths of both apples to the extreme, birthing a single syrupy flavor note bursting out of each supremely juicy, satisfyingly crisp bite. A disappointment for fans of tang, tart, or any flavor complexity whatsoever, the EverCrisp is a must-try for all those looking for their next sugary fix.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4.5/5

Red Apple Icon
4.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
EVERCRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Fuji

ORIGIN

Indiana / Ohio

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Early Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

OTHER NAMES

MAIA-1

Rome Apple Review

"Queen of the Baking Apple"

28
Despicable
Rome Apple

The Rome Apple (named after Rome Township, Ohio – not Italy) tastes like an unscented urinal cake lodged in a Gladiator helmet. Perplexingly tasteless and drier than Cicero’s wit, the inedible choking hazard it calls skin becomes a happy memory once you come face-to-face with the chalky ashes of Nero’s victims within. And yet, despite being a revolting munching apple, the Ohio Rome (again, not Italy) stays relevant by holding the appellation “Queen of the Baking Apple”. A true Adonis, this undeniable beauty retains its shape and form even when hollowed and baked, developing a richer flavor once cooked. So when in Rome (Ohio)…do as the Romans do – and bake your fruit.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5
ROME APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Heirloom

ORIGIN

Rome Township, Ohio

YEAR

1817

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Baked Apples

OTHER NAMES

Gillet’s Seedling,

Red Rome, Rome Beauty, 

Baker’s Buddy