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Sweetie Apple Review

"A Watery Grave"

51
Not Worth Eating
Sweetie Apples

This oblong, Salvador Dali-esque, warp-fruit generously tilts its way off your table in what can only be described as a philanthropic suicide attempt. Its obvious cry for help is understandable as no apple could continually bare to live with crunch after crunch of disappointment as an initial juicy flavor burst full of potential quickly dissipates into a very watery grave. Failing to live up to its sugary namesake, failing to live up to its Braeburn x Royal Gala heritage, failing to live up to even its initial bite, the Sweetie would be better served if it were much worse – at least then it would be worth discussing.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5
SWEETIE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

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Rome Apple Review

"Queen of the Baking Apple"

28
Despicable
Rome Apple

The Rome Apple (named after Rome Township, Ohio – not Italy) tastes like an unscented urinal cake lodged in a Gladiator helmet. Perplexingly tasteless and drier than Cicero’s wit, the inedible choking hazard it calls skin becomes a happy memory once you come face-to-face with the chalky ashes of Nero’s victims within. And yet, despite being a revolting munching apple, the Ohio Rome (again, not Italy) stays relevant by holding the appellation “Queen of the Baking Apple”. A true Adonis, this undeniable beauty retains its shape and form even when hollowed and baked, developing a richer flavor once cooked. So when in Rome (Ohio)…do as the Romans do – and bake your fruit.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5
ROME APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Heirloom

ORIGIN

Rome Township, Ohio

YEAR

1817

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Baked Apples

OTHER NAMES

Gillet’s Seedling,

Red Rome, Rome Beauty, 

Baker’s Buddy

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McIntosh Apple Review

"A Seal-Skinned Canadian Letdown"

45
Horse Food
McIntosh Apple

The National Apple of Canada, this dense curling stone has the refreshing tart kick of an icy northern winter. Unfortunately, it comes dressed for the cold, with a caribou-skin Inuit parka snuggly protecting the interior of its grainy snow-white flesh. Beware – this tumour-swollen reindeer nose has perhaps the thickest most intractable skin of any apple this side of the Prime Meridian. In fact, in an emergency, the McIntosh apple could be hollowed out and used as a makeshift shelter appropriate for the harshest of arctic storms.

The McIntosh gets a massive branding boost by being the eponymous apple of Macintosh computers. For fans of Apple, this is an egregious misnomer, denigrating a quality product. For Apple haters, the McIntosh apple is a suitable analog for a sub-par computer that fails to impress.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5
MCINTOSH APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Unknown

ORIGIN

Ontario, Canada

YEAR

Early 19th Century

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Applesauce

OTHER NAMES

McIntosh Red, Mac

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Newtown Pippin Apple Review

"Long Island's Sand-Filled Condom"

19
Vomitous Filth
Newtown Pippin Apple

This sand-filled condom from Long Island was choked down in the 1750s by the likes of Thomas Jefferson at Monticello, George Washington at Mount Vernon, and Benjamin Franklin as he declared it his favorite apple. Perhaps the Newtown Pippin was once a great apple whose quality has degraded over the centuries like the crumbling democracy the Founding Fathers established. Or perhaps, after decades of eating pigeon pie and squirrel meat, these wooden-toothed slave owners’ tastebuds are not to be trusted. Either way, in today’s world, aside from being excellent for apple cider production, the Newtown Pippin is a tasteless hunk of malformed donkey shit that should’ve been abolished during the reign of King George III.

🏅 #3 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0.5/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5
NEWTOWN PIPPIN BIO

PARENTAGE

Unknown

ORIGIN

Newtown, Long Island

YEAR

1750s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Apple Cider Only

OTHER NAMES

Albemarle Pippin

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Cameo Apple Review

"An Unwelcome Guest"

50
Not Worth Eating
Cameo Apple

The Cameo Apple tastes like a juicy dog fart wrapped in used Whole Foods napkins. With a flavorless interior reminiscent of powdered hospital soap, this freak of nature is called a ‘Cameo’ because it was found accidentally growing in a Red Delicious orchard in Washington State and bred for public consumption (I can only assume as a punishment for America’s hubris). Even M. Night Shyamalan showing up in his own movie is a better cameo than this.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5
CAMEO APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Unknown

ORIGIN

Washington, USA

YEAR

1987

AVAILABILITY

Mid-Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Carousel

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Crimson Gold Apple Review

"A Crabapple in Disguise"

31
Horse Food
Crimson Gold Apples

These little shits are glorified crabapples masquerading as edible fruit and should not be tolerated outside of cider production and pretentious baking applications. Each minuscule bite of these filthy monkey cheeks explode with an intense yet somehow dry flavor combination that will make you want to spontaneously vomit. Do not be fooled by this repackaged trash, Crimson Gold is just a misleading name slapped on a swollen testicle.

🏅 #4 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 4/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3.5/5
CRIMSON GOLD BIO

PARENTAGE

Yellow Newtown x

Esopus Spitzenburg

ORIGIN

California

YEAR

1944

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Cider Production, Cooking

Eat These Apples Instead
Crimson Gold Is Better Than
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Pinova (Piñata) Apple Review

"A Papier Mache Fruit Husk"

50
Barely Worth Eating
Pinova (Piñata) Apple

The Pinova apple (also branded as Piñata) probably should be beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat until the sweet innards drip onto the grasses of your backyard as a feast for ants. While it does have an intense sweet and juicy taste, that some breeders claim to invoke pineapple, this tropical depression is nothing more than a thick-skinned, papier mache fruit husk filled with off-brand hard candies. Skip the party, stay home and eat a Gala.

2022 UPDATE: The fresher apples are not mealy, major upgrade on flesh but with freshness comes worse density. Taste +1, Crispness +1, Skin -1, Flesh +3, Juiciness -1, Density -2. Horse Food -> Not Worth Eating.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5

TARTNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5
PINOVA APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Cox’s Orange Pippin x

Duchess of Oldenburg x

Golden Delicious

ORIGIN

Germany

YEAR

1986

AVAILABILITY

Winter – Early Summer

BEST USES

Munching, Desserts

OTHER NAMES

Piñata, Corail, Sonata

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Pinova Is Better Than
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Arkansas Black Apple Review

"A Teeth-Shattering Oddity"

23
Despicable
Arkansas Black Apple

This teeth-shattering oddity, boasting a deep red hue that’ll make a dark cherry look like a fluorescent glow stick, will destroy your helpless mouth with every unfortunate bite. A ten out of ten on the Mohs Hardness Scale, this apple would perform admirably as a drill tip in a diamond mine. While true the hardness marginally decreases if left in your refrigerator for a full year, those patient enough to plan lunch into the next decade will be sorely disappointed with a thick-skinned carbuncle that tastes and feels like an uncooked russet potato. Truly despicable.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5
ARKANSAS BLACK BIO

PARENTAGE

Winesap

ORIGIN

Bentonville, Arkansas

YEAR

1840s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Drill Tip, Cider

Eat These Apples Instead
Arkansas Black Is Better Than
  • Eating a Rock
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Modi Apple Review

"The Italian Disgrace"

44
Horse Food
Modi Apple

This Italian disgrace, named after famed artist Amedeo Modigliani, is a flavorless lump whose taste is indiscernible from a paper napkin spit on by a donkey. Only those familiar with Modigliani’s work – so, no one – can fully appreciate the appropriateness of this apple’s name. His paintings of distorted, mirthless faces both resemble the warped contours of this knobbly crank as well as the dissatisfied facial expressions of those unfortunate enough to choke down a fruit destined to be forgotten by history. Bonus points for being bred with greenhouse gas emissions in mind.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5
MODI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Liberty

ORIGIN

Italy

YEAR

2014

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Munching

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Fuji Apple Review

"The Japanese Pop Star"

56
Barely Worth It
Fuji Apple

Yet another demon spawn of the Red Delicious (crossed with a Ralls Janet) this gravelly choking hazard named after Fujisaki City, Japan is a J-Pop Star of an apple fit with a ravenous fanbase that many Americans will find difficult to understand. Personally, it is beyond comprehension how this super-hard medieval weapon masquerading as a fruit could become the most popular apple in Japan (and a top 5 apple worldwide). Aside from a semi-sweet initial bite, this mushy, rough-skinned, experiment gone awry is a baffling oddity with a sword-like stem so sharp it will – quite literally –  stab other apples in transit. Despite this, the Fuji fandom is real, uncompromising, and dedicated. A Fuji is not for everyone but, if it’s for you, it just may be your favorite apple. 

UPDATE 2023: Still truly baffled how many feel this is their favorite apple. However, I have not had the chance to try a Fuji straight from Japan where I hear they may be better. That being said, I have had better Fujis in my re-testing. +3 Taste, -1 Juiciness, +2 Cost/Availability. TOTAL SCORE: 48 -> 56 (Horse Food -> Barely Worth It).

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5
FUJI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Ralls Janet

ORIGIN

Japan

YEAR

1962

AVAILABILITY

Early Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching

Eat These Apples Instead
Fuji Is Better Than
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