Newtown Pippin Apple Review

"Long Island's Sand-Filled Condom"

Vomitous Filth
Newtown Pippin Apple

This sand-filled condom from Long Island was choked down in the 1750s by the likes of Thomas Jefferson at Monticello, George Washington at Mount Vernon, and Benjamin Franklin as he declared it his favorite apple. Perhaps the Newtown Pippin was once a great apple whose quality has degraded over the centuries like the crumbling democracy the Founding Fathers established. Or perhaps, after decades of eating pigeon pie and squirrel meat, these wooden-toothed slave owners’ tastebuds are not to be trusted. Either way, in today’s world, aside from being excellent for apple cider production, the Newtown Pippin is a tasteless hunk of malformed donkey shit that should’ve been abolished during the reign of King George III.






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Newtown, Long Island




Late Fall – Winter


Apple Cider Only


Albemarle Pippin

19 thoughts on “Newtown Pippin Apple Review”

  1. My grandmother used pippin apples for her homemade apple pie, and it was the best apple pie in the world. With that said, grandma is gone and so is my ability to obtain this apple except online for a very hefty price. The first year I ordered, it was the best apple pie I had since my grandmother’s last Thanksgiving with us. The second year, the apples tasted like pigeon or squirrel meat…certainly didn’t taste good. I called the company and asked if they had sent last year’s apples or a different brand. I haven’t ordered since then.

    I decided that I would use my beloved Braeburn apples from now on for my Thanksgiving apple pie. Instead, after four long agonizing years of not finding my beloved Braeburn apples at my local grocery store, HEB the grocery store took mercy on me and had some sent to me (free of charge I might add) from New York (Capitalism can be kind.) I made apple tart, apple butter, apple sauce, and after I got out of the hospital, the remaining apples were made into one last pie.

    I don’t know how you feel about Braeburn apples (since I cannot find a review for them here) but I am afraid to ask. With that said, do you know of anyone who sells them online? I really don’t want to try my luck and ask my grocery store to take mercy on me again (and I don’t have it in me to do all that cooking again.)

    S. Smith
    PS…I have passed on your url to my sister. She is going to love your reviews as much as I do.

    1. Braeburn have been harder and harder to come by and I haven’t been able to get my hands one on in-season for a couple of years now. Hence why there’s no review on this site as of yet. However, I do know it is a pretty good apple and once I start to see them pop up I will let you know!

  2. I doubt the reviewer ever ate a Newtown Pippin. More likely he was dumped by a girl who happened to like pippins, convulsed at the rejection and responded with this puerile review.

    I grow a yellow Newtown pippin and if it is allowed to ripen, which where I live is mid/October, it is crisp, of a perfect sweetness and with a complex and delicious flavor. When combined with a golden delicious makes the best apple pie. Also a very good apple sauce. I’ve never made cider so don’t know if it’s accolade for a great cider is true.

    Stead clear of his review and trust mine.

    1. I have never had a Newtown Pippin that I would describe as crisp. Maybe you have a special tree and/or have a special fondness for the apple because you grow it yourself, which is all valid. I, however, have never had a Newtown Pippin apple that wasn’t worthy of utter disdain. As for the cider, the Newtown Pippin is the primary apple used by Martinelli’s to make their apple cider. I think they make a good cider, are probably the most successful cider brand of all time, and have been around since 1868. So, I have to go with their expertise on that front.

  3. You know, I think I actually cried laughing reading this review. Newtown Pippins are my favorite apple. However, I am very aware that they’re disgusting.

    1. They are your favorite apple , yet disgusting??? Frankly I can see people not liking them to eat like a Delicious if you like crisp apple, I don’t. I can’t see how anyone disrespects them as a cooking apple, they are head and shoulders above any I have tried cooked

  4. Was sent here by my wife, and this is by far the funniest review of a food I’ve ever heard.
    As someone who grew up in New England, I’m glad that this apple is getting recognized, even if it’s for the strange taste.
    Yes, some people through history really did enjoy them for their weird tanginess, but sometimes they were cooked in/seasoned with a fragrant spice blend. (Maybe cinnamon, mace, etc.)
    No, you aren’t *really* supposed to eat them on their own. Cider variety apples are used for cider and (sometimes desserts) because of their higher levels of tannins. This could be the main reason they taste awful.

  5. Your revulsion at this apple seems to have fueled a hilarious review, but those founding fathers aren’t the only ones to think highly of Newtown Pippin. The apple is also known as Yellow Newtown and Albemarle Pippin. The book Apples of New York, published in 1905 by the New York Agricultural Experiment Station, says of it that it “is of the highest quality for dessert and excellent for culinary uses”, but also that it differs “markedly in size, color, and quality in different locations and (its) successful cultivation is probably more limited by local conditions than is the case with any other standard commercial variety grown in this state”. Almost a century later, Warren Manhart, the author of Apples for the 21st Century, rated it as the best of fifty varieties. The only Newtown Pippin I’ve tasted was grown in the Midwest. I would describe it at solidly good, but not outstanding. I’d probably place it in the middle of your apple rankings. My two favorite apples are Keepsake and White Winter Pearmain. Neither is easy to find, but both are available for growing from specialty apple nurseries.

  6. Your reviews are great! The positive ones are informative and the negative ones have me in stitches even if you’re shredding an apple variety that I happen to like! Thank you for the laughs. I’m very glad I stumbled upon your blog.

    If I might make a suggestion I would love to see you review Gravenstein apples! They’re hard to find nowadays but are still grown in parts of California. I haven’t had one in years but I remember them being amazingly tasty. I’d love to hear what you think!

  7. VAN many petting zoos have a donkey in some type of pen. Even the best caretakers cannot get around to cleaning it up that quickly. 🙂

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