envy

Ludacrisp Apple Review

"The Dirty South Rapple"

75
Very Good
Ludacrisp Apple

Intentional or not, this hefty behemoth of an apple is named after Dirty South rapper Ludacris of “Move B***** Get Out Da Way” fame. The word ludicrous is spelled with an “I”. The rapper Ludacris is spelled with an “A”. And so, naming an apple Ludacrisp (with an “A”) is an obvious homage to the early-2000s undisputed king of southern hospitality. Yet, in a baffling omission, the Midwest Apple Improvement Association seems to purposely ignore this blatant connection:

“The name Ludacrisp® is a play on the word “ludicrous,” meaning something that is absurd, joking, nonsensical, and playful. The apple’s name was created to make people smile.”

And so, just like the Spotify playlists of the midwest farmers who named it, Ludacris is nowhere to be found. Admittedly, it would be difficult to sell a supermarket on a dirty south rapple with a sign that says “Move Pears Get Out Da Way.” Perhaps it’s best the connection remain unspoken, and those who know, just know?

To be fair, the discoverer of this apple wished to call it the “Juicy Fruit” – because it tastes like the shitty gum. Which is not only a stupid name – it is also a trademarked name and therefore, impossible. However, Juicy Fruit may be a more appropriate label than Ludacrisp since while this apple is only moderately crispy, it is, in fact, ludicrously juicy. As juicy as a ho’s ass – as Luda might say. On the flip side, like Luda’s raunchy lyrics, this apple packs a powerful flavor-punch that will remain incredibly divisive.

And so, despite the confusion surrounding the name, the Ludacrisp is a must-try apple. After one ho-smacking bite, you’ll either be calling the FCC to have it banned, or telling the other apples in your fridge to get out da way.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Juiciness

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
LUDACRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp

ORIGIN

Pataskala, Ohio

YEAR

2019

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Cider, Muching, Salads

OTHER NAMES

Juicy Fruit, MAIA-L

Braeburn Apple Review

"The Civil Rights Apple"

73
Pretty Good
Braeburn Apple

🏅 #4 RANKED SOUR APPLE

Back in the 1950s, in a time when single-colored apples ruled the day (see Red Delicious vs. Golden Delicious), the upstart New Zealand Braeburn shocked the world with a blasphemous skin boasting two colors at once: red and green. Despite the protestations of backwards apple purists desperately clinging to the bygone days of single-color apples, the Braeburn’s complex and stupendous flavor was undeniable; this multi-toned interloper was here to stay. And stay it did, becoming one of the most popular apples worldwide for the next seven decades.

Why can’t I find Braeburn Apples anymore?

In today’s fast-paced apple world this sweet-tart, spicy maverick may at long last be obsolete. Lacking the consistency of modern apples, and suffering from difficulties like Braeburn Browning Disorder due to higher internal carbon dioxide concentrations, enterprising breeders began looking for Braeburn descendants that could replace its parent (and be trademarked for profit of course). And so, the ungrateful children of the Braeburn: Envy, Jazz, Sweetie, and Kanzi are sweeping this trailblazing old-timer into oblivion, leaving no room on the grocery store shelf for the apple to whom they owe so much.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Historical Significance

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
BRAEBURN BIO

PARENTAGE

Lady Hamilton x Granny Smith

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

1952

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Pies, Munching, Sour Apple

Pink Lady Apple Review

"A Fiery Troublemaker"

86
Excellent
Pink Lady Apple

🏅 #7 RANKED SOUR APPLE

The perfect blend of sweet and tart, this fiery bitch is a headliner at supermarkets worldwide. Not as snappy as you’d like, and dense enough to hammer a nail, this unflappable cart-stopper is a true trailblazer as the first apple name to be awarded a trademark.

But the name “Pink Lady” isn’t just snappy branding. It’s a badge of honor bestowed only upon the worthy. Every year, millions of pitiful Cripps Pink apples desperately cling to the ever-vanishing hope that they would one day ascend past their beggarly form to the vaunted moniker of  “Pink Lady.” But only the true standouts meet this high standard while the undeserving are relegated to the *gag* discount stores. This taxing gauntlet results in a remarkably consistent apple.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Historical Significance, +1 Branding / Consistency

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
PINK LADY BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Lady Williams

ORIGIN

Western Australia

YEAR

1985

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Applesauce,

Baking, Sour Apple

Envy Apple Review

"Great Apple for Robust Chewers"

86
Excellent
Envy Apple

Another banger from New Zealand, this delightful beauty has unparalleled taste, juiciness, and crisp flesh that won’t turn brown even after days. Not even close to the greatest of all time, this apple is still the envy of anyone looking at a shelf of Red Delicious.

Unfortunately, the transcendent taste of this very attractive sin-fruit is weighed down, literally, by its unreasonable density and excruciatingly thick skin that lingers in your mouth like a replacement tongue. Not recommended for sufferers of TMJ – this apple is worth the bite if you can commit to years of jaw therapy.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Taste, +1 Oxidation Rate, +1 Consistency

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

5/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5

TARTNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
ENVY APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Royal Gala

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2008

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching only

OTHER NAMES

Scilate