washington

Sweetie Apple Review

"A Watery Grave"

51
Not Worth Eating
Sweetie Apples

This oblong, Salvador Dali-esque, warp-fruit generously tilts its way off your table in what can only be described as a philanthropic suicide attempt. Its obvious cry for help is understandable as no apple could continually bare to live with crunch after crunch of disappointment as an initial juicy flavor burst full of potential quickly dissipates into a very watery grave. Failing to live up to its sugary namesake, failing to live up to its Braeburn x Royal Gala heritage, failing to live up to even its initial bite, the Sweetie would be better served if it were much worse – at least then it would be worth discussing.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
SWEETIE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

Juici (Juic!) Apple Review

"A Pandering Litigious Gigolo"

65
Mediocre
Juici Apple

The Juic! Apple (pronounced “Juicy” and not “Jwik!” as the spelling would imply) is a controversial, social media influencer backed, try-hard whose positive qualities are mired by an absolute shit personality. Bred in idyllic Wenatchee, Washington with powerhouse parents Honeycrisp and Braeburn, this apple is thin-skinned, long-lasting, has a great crunch, and above all is incredibly juicy (or Juic! as some spell it).

But don’t be fooled by the failed Olympics logo that brands the Juic! DeliteTM – none of the aforementioned superlatives can compensate for a blasé flavor profile that lacks any discernible character. Worst of all, this litigious gigolo sued small-town apple growers in New England for trying to rebrand their Jonagold Apple to the JuicyGold. No one in Appleandia should own the word “Juicy”. The lawsuits, the social media influencer outreach, and the name with an ! at the end all scream of corporate execs pandering to younger generations and falling on their face with an audible Jwik!

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
JUICI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Braeburn

ORIGIN

Wenatchee, Washington

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Juicing

OTHER NAMES

Juici Delite TM

Newtown Pippin Apple Review

"Long Island's Sand-Filled Condom"

19
Vomitous Filth
Newtown Pippin Apple

This sand-filled condom from Long Island was choked down in the 1750s by the likes of Thomas Jefferson at Monticello, George Washington at Mount Vernon, and Benjamin Franklin as he declared it his favorite apple. Perhaps the Newtown Pippin was once a great apple whose quality has degraded over the centuries like the crumbling democracy the Founding Fathers established. Or perhaps, after decades of eating pigeon pie and squirrel meat, these wooden-toothed slave owners’ tastebuds are not to be trusted. Either way, in today’s world, aside from being excellent for apple cider production, the Newtown Pippin is a tasteless hunk of malformed donkey shit that should’ve been abolished during the reign of King George III.

🏅 #3 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
NEWTOWN PIPPIN BIO

PARENTAGE

Unknown

ORIGIN

Newtown, Long Island

YEAR

1750s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Apple Cider Only

OTHER NAMES

Albemarle Pippin

Cameo Apple Review

"An Unwelcome Guest"

50
Not Worth Eating
Cameo Apple

The Cameo Apple tastes like a juicy dog fart wrapped in used Whole Foods napkins. With a flavorless interior reminiscent of powdered hospital soap, this freak of nature is called a ‘Cameo’ because it was found accidentally growing in a Red Delicious orchard in Washington State and bred for public consumption (I can only assume as a punishment for America’s hubris). Even M. Night Shyamalan showing up in his own movie is a better cameo than this.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5
CAMEO APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Unknown

ORIGIN

Washington, USA

YEAR

1987

AVAILABILITY

Mid-Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Carousel

Gala Apple Review

"The Inoffensive Mainstay"

70
Pretty Good
Gala Apple

🏅 #7 RANKED CIDER APPLE

The Gala is a robust apple that can be and is grown all over the world all year-long. As a result, it has become a wholly inoffensive mainstay that can be found in any supermarket, at any time, anywhere in the developed world. In fact, in 2018 the Gala surpassed the gag-worthy Red Delicious as America’s Most Popular Apple. This does not mean the Gala is some kind of transcendent Godsend. On the contrary, it is more akin to an uncool step-parent who eventually wins you over simply by consistently showing up. Red Delicious – please leave, we have a new father now.

The Gala is known by many names depending on where it is grown: Annaglo, Galaxy, Regala, Tenroy, Mondial Gala, Royal Gala, Rainier Gala. This can lead to wildly inconsistent freshness, depending on the time of year and where you’re located. You MUST buy Gala’s that are grown where it is currently Autumn. The Royal Gala from New Zealand (Queen Elizabeth II’s favorite apple – hence “Royal”) should be freshest April – June. Meanwhile, the Rainier Gala from Washington State should be freshest September – December. Take note of this, fellow munchers, for an off-season Gala may be nothing more than a six-month old, previously frozen, grain silo in a fruit jacket.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Availability

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
GALA BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x

Kidd’s Orange Red

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

1934

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Cider

OTHER NAMES

Annaglo, Galaxy, Regala,

Tenroy, Mondial Gala, Royal Gala,

Cosmic Crisp Apple Review

"The Most Overhyped Apple of All Time"

74
Pretty Good
Cosmic Crisp Apple

The Cosmic Crisp Apple is not a bad apple. And for an ordinary apple, such a tepid review would be perfectly acceptable. However, the Cosmic Crisp is no ordinary apple. Nay, it may be the most extraordinary apple our capitalist society has ever manufactured. And the word “manufactured” is all but too accurate as the Cosmic Crisp has been in development for decades. It has been taste-tested, focus-grouped, and cross-bred to become a marketable fruit darling akin to a teenage pop star singing songs written by a computer. And just like those grating songs you can’t get out of your head, the scales have been tipped in favor of the Cosmic Crisp via a hype machine boasting a $10 million initial investment.

The result? A beautiful-looking apple worthy of a Wes Anderson prop that could not live up to the lofty expectations set before it. With an above-average crunch, but below-average sweetness, this apple screams mediocrity. And as for that drop-dead gorgeous exterior? The debt is paid for such beauty with a thicker than expected skin that lingers like the disappointment of apple fans everywhere.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Beauty

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
COSMIC CRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Enterprise x Honeycrisp

ORIGIN

Wenatchee, Washington – USA

YEAR

2019

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

Rave Apple Review

"The Knockoff Brand Honeycrisp"

79
Very Good
Rave Apple

The snappy new Rave Apple (or “First Kiss” Apple if you prefer your fruit names to contain a touch of pre-pubescent sexualization) is a discount brand Honeycrisp. Buying one of these slightly lumpy, slightly off-colored, slightly dull, outlet store apples is like buying a Coby television – sure it plays your favorite shows but something about it is just…off. In fact, at first bite, the spritely snap, wonderfully thin skin, and incredible juiciness of this apple might convince less discerning chewers that their thrifty ways have finally elevated them into the echelon of their highfalutin neighbor, Steve, with his fancy Honeycrisp Apples and LG OLED 65” television set. Ah but, the Cinderella story quickly dissipates as the flavor in your mouth melts away faster than the vibrant colors on your shit-box of a TV.

If all Honeycrisp Apples were to disappear from the Earth in some kind of fruit rapture, I would recommend the Rave Apple as a serviceable replacement. However, until the Second Coming, it is best to shell out the extra one dollar per pound and avoid this slightly less sweet, slightly less tart, slightly less pretty budget apple.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Crispness, +1 Density, +1 Skin

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
RAVE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x MonArk

ORIGIN

Univ. of Minnesota

YEAR

2018

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Munching / Bad for Baking

OTHER NAMES

First Kiss (in Minnesota)