comedy

Golden Russet Apple Review

"A Putrid Corpse"

22
Despicable
Golden Russet Apple

This putrid, decomposing, death-fruit is a stinking corpse of an apple that would fit nicely in Wednesday Addams’ lunch box. One of the most foul, horrific looking apples that can be found in America, the Golden Russet is contaminated by the rusted sandpaper skin its namesake implies. But astonishingly, this apple’s zombie-like appearance is not its most striking quality. For this repugnant witch’s curse emits a rancid odor that will make you question whether or not you are eating old fish. Storing well through the winter, its flesh is dense, tough, and chewy like an embalmed cadaver (which quickly devolves into mush like a regular cadaver). That being said, it actually tastes better than it looks – which is not saying much. The Golden Russet is only appropriate for cider production and otherwise should be avoided like the plague.

🏅 #2 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
GOLDEN RUSSET BIO

PARENTAGE

English Golden Russet

ORIGIN

New York State

YEAR

1800s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Cider Production

OTHER NAMES

Bullock’s Pippin, Sheep-nose,

American Golden Russet,

Fox Apple, Long Tom

Jonathan Apple Review

"An Odd Homeschooled Boy"

39
Horse Food
Jonathan Apple

🏅 #6 RANKED CIDER APPLE

This mealy disgrace, named after the boy in your third-grade class who always had dirt on his face, has the consistency of old snow wrapped in electrical tape. The only thing more difficult than getting past the off-putting name of “Jonathan” – a fine name for a boy with a lollipop but not for a fruit – is burrowing through the leathery deep-red skin shrouding its mushy innards. A quite handsome apple with exceptional juiciness, Jonathan once held so much promise, but this early 19th century heirloom is destined to be homeschooled as it is too sensitive (to both disease and bruising) to flourish in a normal setting. The best we can hope for from sweet, little Jonathan is a decent juice or cider, but in all likelihood this apple will slowly fade from our sight and memory only to be loved by its own mother.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
JONATHAN BIO

PARENTAGE

 Esopus Spitzenburg

ORIGIN

Woodstock, NY or Ohio Wilds

YEAR

1796 or 1826

AVAILABILITY

Fall

BEST USES

Cider or Juice

OTHER NAMES

Ricks Apple

Melrose Apple Review

"The All-American Apple"

43
Horse Food
Melrose Apple

This WWII-era tank-fruit is a daunting behemoth that could easily smash in a Nazi’s skull if hurled at close range. Dense, thick-skinned, and great in an apple pie, this state apple of Ohio may be the most American apple on Earth. But don’t fill your victory garden with Melrose trees just yet. Like war, this apple is ugly, and despite a decently tart taste, the Melrose could never overcome its ungainly thick skin and gruesome appearance. Growers even tried to breed the ugliness out of the apple in the 1970s but like most American exploits in the 70s, failed miserably. So I say, salute The Greatest Generation by skinning this apple and baking it in a pie, but when it comes to your kitchen it’s best if the Melrose went AWOL.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
MELROSE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Jonathan x Red Delicious

ORIGIN

Wooster, Ohio

YEAR

1944

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Baking, Apple Pie

MiApple Apple Review

"The Narc of Apples"

39
Horse Food

This bizarrely packaged mini-apple is what an alien would put in your cell at a human zoo if it was trying to feed you “authentic Earth-food”. I’m not sure an apple can qualify as a “narc” but, it certainly feels like this perfectly manicured, corporate shill is trying way too hard to prove it is, in fact, an apple. Sold in either a box that could just as easily contain a DVD player, or a hermetically-sealed bag adorned with stock photos of athletic white folks, the MiApple (which I can only guess is pronounced My-Apple, and not the pirate-esque Me-Apple) attempts to attract customers with pithy, bleached, robot-speak slogans that include the word “mi” instead of “my“. Do the phrases “mi body fuel” and “mi energy boost” do anything for you? Of course not.

That being said, like a soul-crushing job that pays just enough to stomach, this colossal misfire of a marketing ploy could be overlooked if the apple tasted decent. But, alas, what we have here is a mealy, juiceless, thick-skinned, replica of an apple that will have no place in MiHouse.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
MIAPPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Fuji

ORIGIN

Australia

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Decoration

Golden Delicious Apple Review

"The West Virginia Has-Been"

33
Horse Food
Golden Delicious Apple

The official state fruit of West Virginia, this green-yellow beauty saw its heyday in the Progressive Era when marketed by the Stark Bros as a companion apple to the, then blockbuster smash hit, Red Delicious. One hundred years later, with our collective distaste for the Red Delicious fully realized, this ill-fated adopted brother may as well be called the “Golden Bin Laden.” Fortunately, for consumers who have rightfully shied away from this fading memory of an apple, the mushy, bland, juiceless, Golden Delicious doesn’t bring much to the table aside from fathering better apples and having a nice looking exterior fit for a 2013 U.S. Postal Stamp.

🏅 #8 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5
GOLDEN DELICIOUS BIO

PARENTAGE

Grimes Golden x Golden Reinette

ORIGIN

West Virginia

YEAR

1905

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Apple Sauce, Apple Butter, Cider

OTHER NAMES

Mullin’s Yellow Seedling, 

Annit Apple, Yellow Delicious

Cortland Apple Review

"A Damp Hacky Sack"

52
Barely Worth It
Cortland Apple

🏅 #8 RANKED SOUR APPLE |🏅 #9 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Aside from the striking white flesh and splash of tartness, there’s not much good that can be said about the damp hacky sack left outside a frat house all winter known as the Cortland Apple. Discovered in 1898, in the remarkably not Cortland city of Geneva, NY this flattened McIntosh sandbag of shit continues the age-old tradition of dragging the apple reputation of New York State into the sewer. A cold weather apple that can’t stay fresh for very long, the not-Geneva Apple loses its fledgling tartness, paltry sweetness, and illusory crispness too quickly to provide average consumers the opportunity to avoid eating slimy white dirt. And yet, the Cortland remains one of New York’s top produced apples, an enigma that further denigrates the shameful pedigree of The Big Crapple.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Cider Apple

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
CORTLAND APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

McIntosh x Ben David

ORIGIN

Geneva, NY

YEAR

1898

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Sour Apple, Cooking, Cider

OTHER NAMES

LaMont, Starkspur, Redcort,

Early Geneva

Sweetie Apple Review

"A Watery Grave"

51
Not Worth Eating
Sweetie Apples

This oblong, Salvador Dali-esque, warp-fruit generously tilts its way off your table in what can only be described as a philanthropic suicide attempt. Its obvious cry for help is understandable as no apple could continually bare to live with crunch after crunch of disappointment as an initial juicy flavor burst full of potential quickly dissipates into a very watery grave. Failing to live up to its sugary namesake, failing to live up to its Braeburn x Royal Gala heritage, failing to live up to even its initial bite, the Sweetie would be better served if it were much worse – at least then it would be worth discussing.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
SWEETIE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

Rome Apple Review

"Queen of the Baking Apple"

28
Despicable
Rome Apple

The Rome Apple (named after Rome Township, Ohio – not Italy) tastes like an unscented urinal cake lodged in a Gladiator helmet. Perplexingly tasteless and drier than Cicero’s wit, the inedible choking hazard it calls skin becomes a happy memory once you come face-to-face with the chalky ashes of Nero’s victims within. And yet, despite being a revolting munching apple, the Ohio Rome (again, not Italy) stays relevant by holding the appellation “Queen of the Baking Apple”. A true Adonis, this undeniable beauty retains its shape and form even when hollowed and baked, developing a richer flavor once cooked. So when in Rome (Ohio)…do as the Romans do – and bake your fruit.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5
ROME APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Heirloom

ORIGIN

Rome Township, Ohio

YEAR

1817

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Baked Apples

OTHER NAMES

Gillet’s Seedling,

Red Rome, Rome Beauty, 

Baker’s Buddy

McIntosh Apple Review

"A Seal-Skinned Canadian Letdown"

45
Horse Food
McIntosh Apple

The National Apple of Canada, this dense curling stone has the refreshing tart kick of an icy northern winter. Unfortunately, it comes dressed for the cold, with a caribou-skin Inuit parka snuggly protecting the interior of its grainy snow-white flesh. Beware – this tumour-swollen reindeer nose has perhaps the thickest most intractable skin of any apple this side of the Prime Meridian. In fact, in an emergency, the McIntosh apple could be hollowed out and used as a makeshift shelter appropriate for the harshest of arctic storms.

The McIntosh gets a massive branding boost by being the eponymous apple of Macintosh computers. For fans of Apple, this is an egregious misnomer, denigrating a quality product. For Apple haters, the McIntosh apple is a suitable analog for a sub-par computer that fails to impress.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
MCINTOSH APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Unknown

ORIGIN

Ontario, Canada

YEAR

Early 19th Century

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Applesauce

OTHER NAMES

McIntosh Red, Mac

Newtown Pippin Apple Review

"Long Island's Sand-Filled Condom"

19
Vomitous Filth
Newtown Pippin Apple

This sand-filled condom from Long Island was choked down in the 1750s by the likes of Thomas Jefferson at Monticello, George Washington at Mount Vernon, and Benjamin Franklin as he declared it his favorite apple. Perhaps the Newtown Pippin was once a great apple whose quality has degraded over the centuries like the crumbling democracy the Founding Fathers established. Or perhaps, after decades of eating pigeon pie and squirrel meat, these wooden-toothed slave owners’ tastebuds are not to be trusted. Either way, in today’s world, aside from being excellent for apple cider production, the Newtown Pippin is a tasteless hunk of malformed donkey shit that should’ve been abolished during the reign of King George III.

🏅 #3 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
NEWTOWN PIPPIN BIO

PARENTAGE

Unknown

ORIGIN

Newtown, Long Island

YEAR

1750s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Apple Cider Only

OTHER NAMES

Albemarle Pippin

Cameo Apple Review

"An Unwelcome Guest"

50
Not Worth Eating
Cameo Apple

The Cameo Apple tastes like a juicy dog fart wrapped in used Whole Foods napkins. With a flavorless interior reminiscent of powdered hospital soap, this freak of nature is called a ‘Cameo’ because it was found accidentally growing in a Red Delicious orchard in Washington State and bred for public consumption (I can only assume as a punishment for America’s hubris). Even M. Night Shyamalan showing up in his own movie is a better cameo than this.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5
CAMEO APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Unknown

ORIGIN

Washington, USA

YEAR

1987

AVAILABILITY

Mid-Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Carousel

Crimson Gold Apple Review

"A Crabapple in Disguise"

31
Horse Food
Crimson Gold Apples

These little shits are glorified crabapples masquerading as edible fruit and should not be tolerated outside of cider production and pretentious baking applications. Each minuscule bite of these filthy monkey cheeks explode with an intense yet somehow dry flavor combination that will make you want to spontaneously vomit. Do not be fooled by this repackaged trash, Crimson Gold is just a misleading name slapped on a swollen testicle.

🏅 #4 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
CRIMSON GOLD BIO

PARENTAGE

Yellow Newtown x

Esopus Spitzenburg

ORIGIN

California

YEAR

1944

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Cider Production, Cooking

Pinova (Piñata) Apple Review

"A Papier Mache Fruit Husk"

50
Barely Worth Eating
Pinova (Piñata) Apple

The Pinova apple (also branded as Piñata) probably should be beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat until the sweet innards drip onto the grasses of your backyard as a feast for ants. While it does have an intense sweet and juicy taste, that some breeders claim to invoke pineapple, this tropical depression is nothing more than a thick-skinned, papier mache fruit husk filled with off-brand hard candies. Skip the party, stay home and eat a Gala.

2022 UPDATE: The fresher apples are not mealy, major upgrade on flesh but with freshness comes worse density. Taste +1, Crispness +1, Skin -1, Flesh +3, Juiciness -1, Density -2. Horse Food -> Not Worth Eating.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
PINOVA APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Cox’s Orange Pippin x

Duchess of Oldenburg x

Golden Delicious

ORIGIN

Germany

YEAR

1986

AVAILABILITY

Winter – Early Summer

BEST USES

Munching, Desserts

OTHER NAMES

Piñata, Corail, Sonata

Arkansas Black Apple Review

"A Teeth-Shattering Oddity"

23
Despicable
Arkansas Black Apple

This teeth-shattering oddity, boasting a deep red hue that’ll make a dark cherry look like a fluorescent glow stick, will destroy your helpless mouth with every unfortunate bite. A ten out of ten on the Mohs Hardness Scale, this apple would perform admirably as a drill tip in a diamond mine. While true the hardness marginally decreases if left in your refrigerator for a full year, those patient enough to plan lunch into the next decade will be sorely disappointed with a thick-skinned carbuncle that tastes and feels like an uncooked russet potato. Truly despicable.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5
ARKANSAS BLACK BIO

PARENTAGE

Winesap

ORIGIN

Bentonville, Arkansas

YEAR

1840s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Drill Tip, Cider

Modi Apple Review

"The Italian Disgrace"

44
Horse Food
Modi Apple

This Italian disgrace, named after famed artist Amedeo Modigliani, is a flavorless lump whose taste is indiscernible from a paper napkin spit on by a donkey. Only those familiar with Modigliani’s work – so, no one – can fully appreciate the appropriateness of this apple’s name. His paintings of distorted, mirthless faces both resemble the warped contours of this knobbly crank as well as the dissatisfied facial expressions of those unfortunate enough to choke down a fruit destined to be forgotten by history. Bonus points for being bred with greenhouse gas emissions in mind.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
MODI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Liberty

ORIGIN

Italy

YEAR

2014

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Munching

Fuji Apple Review

"The Japanese Pop Star"

56
Barely Worth It
Fuji Apple

Yet another demon spawn of the Red Delicious (crossed with a Ralls Janet) this gravelly choking hazard named after Fujisaki City, Japan is a J-Pop Star of an apple fit with a ravenous fanbase that many Americans will find difficult to understand. Personally, it is beyond comprehension how this super-hard medieval weapon masquerading as a fruit could become the most popular apple in Japan (and a top 5 apple worldwide). Aside from a semi-sweet initial bite, this mushy, rough-skinned, experiment gone awry is a baffling oddity with a sword-like stem so sharp it will – quite literally –  stab other apples in transit. Despite this, the Fuji fandom is real, uncompromising, and dedicated. A Fuji is not for everyone but, if it’s for you, it just may be your favorite apple. 

UPDATE 2023: Still truly baffled how many feel this is their favorite apple. However, I have not had the chance to try a Fuji straight from Japan where I hear they may be better. That being said, I have had better Fujis in my re-testing. +3 Taste, -1 Juiciness, +2 Cost/Availability. TOTAL SCORE: 48 -> 56 (Horse Food -> Barely Worth It).

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
FUJI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Ralls Janet

ORIGIN

Japan

YEAR

1962

AVAILABILITY

Early Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching