gala

Sweetie Apple Review

"A Watery Grave"

51
Not Worth Eating
Sweetie Apples

This oblong, Salvador Dali-esque, warp-fruit generously tilts its way off your table in what can only be described as a philanthropic suicide attempt. Its obvious cry for help is understandable as no apple could continually bare to live with crunch after crunch of disappointment as an initial juicy flavor burst full of potential quickly dissipates into a very watery grave. Failing to live up to its sugary namesake, failing to live up to its Braeburn x Royal Gala heritage, failing to live up to even its initial bite, the Sweetie would be better served if it were much worse – at least then it would be worth discussing.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5
SWEETIE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

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Rockit Apple Review

"Bite-Sized Space Junk"

59
Barely Worth It
Rockit Apples

These bite-sized lumps of space junk are more of a celestial fascination than an apple. Cutting-edge technology places each reddish star child in a plastic bottle rocket, pre-washed and ready to eat like an astronaut’s prefab lunch. This allows weary travelers to munch these singularities straight from the fridge-space-nightmare bucket without fear of contracting cosmic bacteria. Unfortunately, each exceptionally crunchy bite is decimated by an apparent black hole, instantly sucking all taste and juiciness into inescapable oblivion. This phenomenon creates an unfathomable anti-matter apple leaving you munching a nothingness too profound to comprehend. Are these apples the dark matter physicists have been in search of for decades? I wouldn’t rule it out.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Good for Kids, +1 Innovation

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5
ROCKIT APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Splendor

ORIGIN

Hawkes Bay, New Zealand

YEAR

2010

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Travel Snack, Kids Snack

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Newtown Pippin Apple Review

"Long Island's Sand-Filled Condom"

19
Vomitous Filth
Newtown Pippin Apple

This sand-filled condom from Long Island was choked down in the 1750s by the likes of Thomas Jefferson at Monticello, George Washington at Mount Vernon, and Benjamin Franklin as he declared it his favorite apple. Perhaps the Newtown Pippin was once a great apple whose quality has degraded over the centuries like the crumbling democracy the Founding Fathers established. Or perhaps, after decades of eating pigeon pie and squirrel meat, these wooden-toothed slave owners’ tastebuds are not to be trusted. Either way, in today’s world, aside from being excellent for apple cider production, the Newtown Pippin is a tasteless hunk of malformed donkey shit that should’ve been abolished during the reign of King George III.

🏅 #3 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0.5/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5
NEWTOWN PIPPIN BIO

PARENTAGE

Unknown

ORIGIN

Newtown, Long Island

YEAR

1750s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Apple Cider Only

OTHER NAMES

Albemarle Pippin

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Pippin Is Better Than
  • Violent Revolution
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Cameo Apple Review

"An Unwelcome Guest"

50
Not Worth Eating
Cameo Apple

The Cameo Apple tastes like a juicy dog fart wrapped in used Whole Foods napkins. With a flavorless interior reminiscent of powdered hospital soap, this freak of nature is called a ‘Cameo’ because it was found accidentally growing in a Red Delicious orchard in Washington State and bred for public consumption (I can only assume as a punishment for America’s hubris). Even M. Night Shyamalan showing up in his own movie is a better cameo than this.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5
CAMEO APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Unknown

ORIGIN

Washington, USA

YEAR

1987

AVAILABILITY

Mid-Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Carousel

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Pinova (Piñata) Apple Review

"A Papier Mache Fruit Husk"

50
Barely Worth Eating
Pinova (Piñata) Apple

The Pinova apple (also branded as Piñata) probably should be beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat until the sweet innards drip onto the grasses of your backyard as a feast for ants. While it does have an intense sweet and juicy taste, that some breeders claim to invoke pineapple, this tropical depression is nothing more than a thick-skinned, papier mache fruit husk filled with off-brand hard candies. Skip the party, stay home and eat a Gala.

2022 UPDATE: The fresher apples are not mealy, major upgrade on flesh but with freshness comes worse density. Taste +1, Crispness +1, Skin -1, Flesh +3, Juiciness -1, Density -2. Horse Food -> Not Worth Eating.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5

TARTNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5
PINOVA APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Cox’s Orange Pippin x

Duchess of Oldenburg x

Golden Delicious

ORIGIN

Germany

YEAR

1986

AVAILABILITY

Winter – Early Summer

BEST USES

Munching, Desserts

OTHER NAMES

Piñata, Corail, Sonata

Eat These Apples Instead
Pinova Is Better Than
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Modi Apple Review

"The Italian Disgrace"

44
Horse Food
Modi Apple

This Italian disgrace, named after famed artist Amedeo Modigliani, is a flavorless lump whose taste is indiscernible from a paper napkin spit on by a donkey. Only those familiar with Modigliani’s work – so, no one – can fully appreciate the appropriateness of this apple’s name. His paintings of distorted, mirthless faces both resemble the warped contours of this knobbly crank as well as the dissatisfied facial expressions of those unfortunate enough to choke down a fruit destined to be forgotten by history. Bonus points for being bred with greenhouse gas emissions in mind.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5
MODI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Liberty

ORIGIN

Italy

YEAR

2014

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Munching

Eat These Apples Instead
Modi Is Better Than
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Fuji Apple Review

"The Japanese Pop Star"

56
Barely Worth It
Fuji Apple

Yet another demon spawn of the Red Delicious (crossed with a Ralls Janet) this gravelly choking hazard named after Fujisaki City, Japan is a J-Pop Star of an apple fit with a ravenous fanbase that many Americans will find difficult to understand. Personally, it is beyond comprehension how this super-hard medieval weapon masquerading as a fruit could become the most popular apple in Japan (and a top 5 apple worldwide). Aside from a semi-sweet initial bite, this mushy, rough-skinned, experiment gone awry is a baffling oddity with a sword-like stem so sharp it will – quite literally –  stab other apples in transit. Despite this, the Fuji fandom is real, uncompromising, and dedicated. A Fuji is not for everyone but, if it’s for you, it just may be your favorite apple. 

UPDATE 2023: Still truly baffled how many feel this is their favorite apple. However, I have not had the chance to try a Fuji straight from Japan where I hear they may be better. That being said, I have had better Fujis in my re-testing. +3 Taste, -1 Juiciness, +2 Cost/Availability. TOTAL SCORE: 48 -> 56 (Horse Food -> Barely Worth It).

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5
FUJI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Ralls Janet

ORIGIN

Japan

YEAR

1962

AVAILABILITY

Early Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching

Eat These Apples Instead
Fuji Is Better Than
More on Fuji Apples
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Gala Apple Review

"The Inoffensive Mainstay"

70
Pretty Good
Gala Apple

🏅 #7 RANKED CIDER APPLE

The Gala is a robust apple that can be and is grown all over the world all year-long. As a result, it has become a wholly inoffensive mainstay that can be found in any supermarket, at any time, anywhere in the developed world. In fact, in 2018 the Gala surpassed the gag-worthy Red Delicious as America’s Most Popular Apple. This does not mean the Gala is some kind of transcendent Godsend. On the contrary, it is more akin to an uncool step-parent who eventually wins you over simply by consistently showing up. Red Delicious – please leave, we have a new father now.

The Gala is known by many names depending on where it is grown: Annaglo, Galaxy, Regala, Tenroy, Mondial Gala, Royal Gala, Rainier Gala. This can lead to wildly inconsistent freshness, depending on the time of year and where you’re located. You MUST buy Gala’s that are grown where it is currently Autumn. The Royal Gala from New Zealand (Queen Elizabeth II’s favorite apple – hence “Royal”) should be freshest April – June. Meanwhile, the Rainier Gala from Washington State should be freshest September – December. Take note of this, fellow munchers, for an off-season Gala may be nothing more than a six-month old, previously frozen, grain silo in a fruit jacket.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Availability

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5
GALA BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x

Kidd’s Orange Red

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

1934

AVAILABILITY

Year-round

BEST USES

Munching, Cider

OTHER NAMES

Annaglo, Galaxy, Regala,

Tenroy, Mondial Gala, Royal Gala,

Eat These Apples Instead
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