How Apples Are Ranked
The Frange 100 Point Apple Rating Scale
For decades the apple had been on a relentless descent into the fiery pits of Hell, desperately lurching toward its biblical namesake as “Satan’s Fruit.” With the rapid degradation of the once mighty Red Delicious and the intentional impotence of apple farmers across the world, we were faced with the unthinkable: the rise of the pear.
Thankfully in the early 2000s, due to the emergence of a class of idle yuppies willing to shell out disproportionate amounts of disposable income at organic grocery stores, it became economically viable to invest in the development of what I term “designer apples.” As a result, a dizzying array of new apples hit the shelves and continued to do so year after year.
With so many new breeds, the antiquated system of delegating an apple as “good” or “bad” is an unworkable injustice of oversimplification. Society demands an updated rubric for apple evaluation that meets the moment. I have created that rubric.
I have no children. This rating scale is my only hope to keep my namesake alive. It is something I hope to be utilized for generations to come and is my only chance at achieving immortality. Therefore I am naming this system: The Frange 100 Point Apple Rating Scale aka the F100.
Each apple is evaluated on a one hundred point scale broken down into nine categories. Each category is worth a maximum of ten points, aside from “TASTE” – which is weighted double, for a maximum of twenty points. As always, the points reflect each candidate as a “munching apple”.
The 100 Point Scale
TOP APPLE TIER
100pts: The Fabled “Immaculate Apple”
95 – 99pts: Just Short of Sheer Perfection
90 – 94pts: Superior to Most
80 – 89pts: Excellent
75 – 79pts: Very Good
AVERAGE APPLE TIER
70 – 74pts: Pretty Good
65 – 69pts: Mediocre
55 – 64pts: Barely Worth the Calories
PURE SHIT APPLE TIER
50 – 54pts: Not Worth Eating
30 – 49pts: Horse Food
20 – 29pts: Despicable
10 – 19pts: Vomitous Filth
0 – 9pts: Criminal Malfeasance
After the initial one hundred point evaluation is calculated several additional factors are considered which may add or subtract points. These include: Lineage, History, Sustainability, Uniqueness, Longevity, and Alternative Uses (cider, applesauce, baking), and particular excellence in a single category.
Regardless of flavor profile (sweetness, tartness, intensity) – delicious apples receive top points with special consideration for every day use as well as versatility in varying circumstances. Points deducted for tasting like shit and/or trash.
Top points awarded for producing a satisfying snap and/or crunch with each bite throughout the life of the apple. Soft, gummy apples deserve no accolade.
Points awarded for unobtrusive skins that break apart easily. Thick skins that linger in your throat or create a choking hazard are condemnable.
The flesh of an apple ought to be smooth, relatively firm, and maintain integrity throughout a meal. Points deducted for early oxidation rates which turns the flesh brown. And above all, a mealy apple is a disgrace.
The higher the liquid content and succulent nature of the apple the better. Bone dry, ashy nonsense can be thrown in the compost heap.
Top points for having a sturdy construction without being too hard or heavy. Apples which cause gum or tooth pain as well as apples which can be used as a weapon face massive deductions.
Beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors. The most subjective of all the categories, an aesthetically pleasing apple that begs to be eaten receives top points.
BRANDING / CONSISTENCY
Top points are assigned to apples with names, logos, and packaging that match the personality of the breed while creating a unique, evocative aura about the fruit. Points deducted for names that scream quiet desperation or elicit feelings of confusion. Above all, maintaining the integrity and reputation of the breed through dependable and unvarying quality is paramount.
COST / AVAILABILITY
The perfect apple is available year-round and is affordable on a modest budget. Points deducted for exorbitant and inaccessible apples.
In addition to the rating scale, not affecting score, a flavor profile will be included for classification purposes only. Each apple will be evaluated under three five-point scales:
Candy-like sugary taste
Strength of flavor