bad apples

Golden Russet Apple Review

"A Putrid Corpse"

22
Despicable
Golden Russet Apple

This putrid, decomposing, death-fruit is a stinking corpse of an apple that would fit nicely in Wednesday Addams’ lunch box. One of the most foul, horrific looking apples that can be found in America, the Golden Russet is contaminated by the rusted sandpaper skin its namesake implies. But astonishingly, this apple’s zombie-like appearance is not its most striking quality. For this repugnant witch’s curse emits a rancid odor that will make you question whether or not you are eating old fish. Storing well through the winter, its flesh is dense, tough, and chewy like an embalmed cadaver (which quickly devolves into mush like a regular cadaver). That being said, it actually tastes better than it looks – which is not saying much. The Golden Russet is only appropriate for cider production and otherwise should be avoided like the plague.

🏅 #2 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

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SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
GOLDEN RUSSET BIO

PARENTAGE

English Golden Russet

ORIGIN

New York State

YEAR

1800s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Cider Production

OTHER NAMES

Bullock’s Pippin, Sheep-nose,

American Golden Russet,

Fox Apple, Long Tom

Jonathan Apple Review

"An Odd Homeschooled Boy"

39
Horse Food
Jonathan Apple

🏅 #6 RANKED CIDER APPLE

This mealy disgrace, named after the boy in your third-grade class who always had dirt on his face, has the consistency of old snow wrapped in electrical tape. The only thing more difficult than getting past the off-putting name of “Jonathan” – a fine name for a boy with a lollipop but not for a fruit – is burrowing through the leathery deep-red skin shrouding its mushy innards. A quite handsome apple with exceptional juiciness, Jonathan once held so much promise, but this early 19th century heirloom is destined to be homeschooled as it is too sensitive (to both disease and bruising) to flourish in a normal setting. The best we can hope for from sweet, little Jonathan is a decent juice or cider, but in all likelihood this apple will slowly fade from our sight and memory only to be loved by its own mother.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
JONATHAN BIO

PARENTAGE

 Esopus Spitzenburg

ORIGIN

Woodstock, NY or Ohio Wilds

YEAR

1796 or 1826

AVAILABILITY

Fall

BEST USES

Cider or Juice

OTHER NAMES

Ricks Apple

Melrose Apple Review

"The All-American Apple"

43
Horse Food
Melrose Apple

This WWII-era tank-fruit is a daunting behemoth that could easily smash in a Nazi’s skull if hurled at close range. Dense, thick-skinned, and great in an apple pie, this state apple of Ohio may be the most American apple on Earth. But don’t fill your victory garden with Melrose trees just yet. Like war, this apple is ugly, and despite a decently tart taste, the Melrose could never overcome its ungainly thick skin and gruesome appearance. Growers even tried to breed the ugliness out of the apple in the 1970s but like most American exploits in the 70s, failed miserably. So I say, salute The Greatest Generation by skinning this apple and baking it in a pie, but when it comes to your kitchen it’s best if the Melrose went AWOL.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
MELROSE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Jonathan x Red Delicious

ORIGIN

Wooster, Ohio

YEAR

1944

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Baking, Apple Pie

MiApple Apple Review

"The Narc of Apples"

39
Horse Food

This bizarrely packaged mini-apple is what an alien would put in your cell at a human zoo if it was trying to feed you “authentic Earth-food”. I’m not sure an apple can qualify as a “narc” but, it certainly feels like this perfectly manicured, corporate shill is trying way too hard to prove it is, in fact, an apple. Sold in either a box that could just as easily contain a DVD player, or a hermetically-sealed bag adorned with stock photos of athletic white folks, the MiApple (which I can only guess is pronounced My-Apple, and not the pirate-esque Me-Apple) attempts to attract customers with pithy, bleached, robot-speak slogans that include the word “mi” instead of “my“. Do the phrases “mi body fuel” and “mi energy boost” do anything for you? Of course not.

That being said, like a soul-crushing job that pays just enough to stomach, this colossal misfire of a marketing ploy could be overlooked if the apple tasted decent. But, alas, what we have here is a mealy, juiceless, thick-skinned, replica of an apple that will have no place in MiHouse.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
MIAPPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Fuji

ORIGIN

Australia

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Decoration

Golden Delicious Apple Review

"The West Virginia Has-Been"

33
Horse Food
Golden Delicious Apple

The official state fruit of West Virginia, this green-yellow beauty saw its heyday in the Progressive Era when marketed by the Stark Bros as a companion apple to the, then blockbuster smash hit, Red Delicious. One hundred years later, with our collective distaste for the Red Delicious fully realized, this ill-fated adopted brother may as well be called the “Golden Bin Laden.” Fortunately, for consumers who have rightfully shied away from this fading memory of an apple, the mushy, bland, juiceless, Golden Delicious doesn’t bring much to the table aside from fathering better apples and having a nice looking exterior fit for a 2013 U.S. Postal Stamp.

🏅 #8 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5
GOLDEN DELICIOUS BIO

PARENTAGE

Grimes Golden x Golden Reinette

ORIGIN

West Virginia

YEAR

1905

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Apple Sauce, Apple Butter, Cider

OTHER NAMES

Mullin’s Yellow Seedling, 

Annit Apple, Yellow Delicious

Kiku Apple Review

"A Fuji In Disguise"

42
Horse Food
Kiku Apple

Buyer beware! This exclusive Italian club apple is nothing more than a Fuji off-shoot rebranded as an undiscovered Pokemon. Known as a “sport” apple, the Kiku is a variant of its Fuji parent found growing on the same tree – only slightly redder and larger. But, make no mistake, this is not the evolutionary Blastoise to the Fuji’s Squirtle. In fact, a Kiku is nearly indistinguishable from a Fuji aside from its increased cost, decreased availability, and being named after a Japanese anime girl’s sneeze.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
KIKU APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Fuji Sport

ORIGIN

Japan / Italy

YEAR

2010

AVAILABILITY

Late Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Applesauce

OTHER NAMES

Fuji

EverCrisp Apple Review

"The Jawbreaker"

70
Pretty Good
EverCrisp Apple

The EverCrisp Apple is a sickeningly sweet colossus of impenetrable construction that will delight the most saccharine taste buds of children everywhere. Truly, the Jawbreaker of apples, this nectarous midwestern rock candy will shatter the sweet tooth of all those who dare engage in its consumption. A cross between a Honeycrisp and Fuji, the EverCrisp takes the strengths of both apples to the extreme, birthing a single syrupy flavor note bursting out of each supremely juicy, satisfyingly crisp bite. A disappointment for fans of tang, tart, or any flavor complexity whatsoever, the EverCrisp is a must-try for all those looking for their next sugary fix.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4.5/5

Red Apple Icon
4.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
EVERCRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Fuji

ORIGIN

Indiana / Ohio

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Early Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

OTHER NAMES

MAIA-1

GoldRush Apple Review

"A Goldmine of Flavor"

76
Very Good
GoldRush Apple

🏅 #1 RANKED CIDER APPLE  | 🏅 #2 RANKED YELLOW APPLE

This pockmarked goiter on a prospector’s neck proves that looks aren’t everything as digging in to this juicy nugget provides a goldmine of spritely flavors ranging from tart to sweet. Searching for gold does not come without hardship however, as the GoldRush Apple has a thicker than desired skin that would require a sturdy pick-axe in the off-season. Thankfully, the lands out west (or confusingly Indiana in this case) graced the GoldRush Apple with a long growing season and an eye-popping shelf-life of seven full months. This is why any experienced mountaineer can tell you that stocking up on these precious apples to get through the harsh winter is a plan as good as gold.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Cider Apple, +2 Longevity

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
GOLDRUSH BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Winesap

Melrose / Rome / Beauty

ORIGIN

Purdue University

YEAR

1993

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Dessert, Hard Cider

OTHER NAMES

Co-op38

Empire Apple Review

"A Spunky Optimist"

65
Mediocre
Empire Apple

Coming from humble beginnings, the Empire Apple manages to break free from its backwoods Red Delicious and McIntosh upbringing to strike out on its own in the unforgiving and inconsistent apple behemoth that is New York State (The Empire State). With a fascinating flavor profile some describe as “melon”, “pineapple”, or *gag* “elderflower” (if you are a pretentious liar who claims to know what elderflower tastes like), this well-balanced juicy optimist has just enough gumption and spunk to survive in a dog-eat-dog, apple-eat-apple world.

Unfortunately – like a down-home twang you just can’t seem to shake – no apple can fully escape its roots, as piercing barbed-wire skin and slightly mealy flesh serve as shadows of the Empire’s shameful past. It’s true, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere – and while the Empire has survived in New York, it’ll be up to future generations to spawn a kingdom that outgrows the region.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
EMPIRE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x McIntosh

ORIGIN

Cornell University

YEAR

1945

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Sauce

OTHER NAMES

Royal Empire, Crown Empire,

Teeple Red Empire

Cortland Apple Review

"A Damp Hacky Sack"

52
Barely Worth It
Cortland Apple

🏅 #8 RANKED SOUR APPLE |🏅 #9 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Aside from the striking white flesh and splash of tartness, there’s not much good that can be said about the damp hacky sack left outside a frat house all winter known as the Cortland Apple. Discovered in 1898, in the remarkably not Cortland city of Geneva, NY this flattened McIntosh sandbag of shit continues the age-old tradition of dragging the apple reputation of New York State into the sewer. A cold weather apple that can’t stay fresh for very long, the not-Geneva Apple loses its fledgling tartness, paltry sweetness, and illusory crispness too quickly to provide average consumers the opportunity to avoid eating slimy white dirt. And yet, the Cortland remains one of New York’s top produced apples, an enigma that further denigrates the shameful pedigree of The Big Crapple.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Cider Apple

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
CORTLAND APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

McIntosh x Ben David

ORIGIN

Geneva, NY

YEAR

1898

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Sour Apple, Cooking, Cider

OTHER NAMES

LaMont, Starkspur, Redcort,

Early Geneva

Sweetie Apple Review

"A Watery Grave"

51
Not Worth Eating
Sweetie Apples

This oblong, Salvador Dali-esque, warp-fruit generously tilts its way off your table in what can only be described as a philanthropic suicide attempt. Its obvious cry for help is understandable as no apple could continually bare to live with crunch after crunch of disappointment as an initial juicy flavor burst full of potential quickly dissipates into a very watery grave. Failing to live up to its sugary namesake, failing to live up to its Braeburn x Royal Gala heritage, failing to live up to even its initial bite, the Sweetie would be better served if it were much worse – at least then it would be worth discussing.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
SWEETIE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

Stayman Winesap Apple Review

"A Civil War Era Mistake"

41
Horse Food
Stayman's Winesap Apple

Wrap a damp tee ball in an old t-shirt and you will begin to experience the masochistic horror that is the Stayman Winesap Apple. Each jaw-breaking bite is taken on the chin like a punch from Apollo Creed, and then followed by an interesting wine-like flavor that is most likely comprised of 40% tooth blood. The semi-tart wallop bellowing forth from this tank-fruit is absorbed by a hardened cloth-like skin that drapes down your neck like a swallowed roll of used medical gauze. Discovered in Leavenworth County, Kansas in 1866 by Dr. Joseph Stayman as a seedling of the Winesap Apple, for some reason the apple world (helmed by the Stark Bros.) quickly deemed this new cultivar as worthy of national attention. It must be assumed that anything outside of the murder fields of Gettysburg was welcome in this troublesome post Civil War era.

🏅 #5 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
STAYMAN WINESAP BIO

PARENTAGE

Winesap

ORIGIN

Kansas

YEAR

1866

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Cider, Pies

OTHER NAMES

Virginia Stayman, Stayman

WineCrisp Apple Review

"A Bottom-Shelf Vintage"

65
Mediocre
WineCrisp Apples

The purple-hued WineCrisp Apple boasts a complex flavor profile that would give a pretentious sommelier quite a lot to blab about. Sweet and juicy with notes of berry, spice, and dare I say, citrus?, the purveyors of this finely-crafted 2008 vintage from the Illinois region bred their stock with taste in mind – a taste which improves with time, as flavors enhance after thirty days of cold storage. Sadly, this exotic debutante is overwhelmed by subtle hints of “knife-skin” stabbing your throat like the cheap corkscrew you left in your first apartment. Additionally, the robust flesh is so densely packed it feels almost indestructible. Serviceable for a night at home, the WineCrisp is best left in the cellar when entertaining or on special occasions. Pairs well with dessert.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
WINECRISP APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Cox’s Orange Pippin x Rome x

Jonathan x Newtown Pippin x

Crab apple

ORIGIN

PRI – Purdue U., Rutgers U., 

U. of Illinois Cooperative

Breeding Project

YEAR

2008

AVAILABILITY

Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Dessert

OTHER NAMES

Co-op 31

Rome Apple Review

"Queen of the Baking Apple"

28
Despicable
Rome Apple

The Rome Apple (named after Rome Township, Ohio – not Italy) tastes like an unscented urinal cake lodged in a Gladiator helmet. Perplexingly tasteless and drier than Cicero’s wit, the inedible choking hazard it calls skin becomes a happy memory once you come face-to-face with the chalky ashes of Nero’s victims within. And yet, despite being a revolting munching apple, the Ohio Rome (again, not Italy) stays relevant by holding the appellation “Queen of the Baking Apple”. A true Adonis, this undeniable beauty retains its shape and form even when hollowed and baked, developing a richer flavor once cooked. So when in Rome (Ohio)…do as the Romans do – and bake your fruit.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5
ROME APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Heirloom

ORIGIN

Rome Township, Ohio

YEAR

1817

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Baked Apples

OTHER NAMES

Gillet’s Seedling,

Red Rome, Rome Beauty, 

Baker’s Buddy

Rockit Apple Review

"Bite-Sized Space Junk"

59
Barely Worth It
Rockit Apples

These bite-sized lumps of space junk are more of a celestial fascination than an apple. Cutting-edge technology places each reddish star child in a plastic bottle rocket, pre-washed and ready to eat like an astronaut’s prefab lunch. This allows weary travelers to munch these singularities straight from the fridge-space-nightmare bucket without fear of contracting cosmic bacteria. Unfortunately, each exceptionally crunchy bite is decimated by an apparent black hole, instantly sucking all taste and juiciness into inescapable oblivion. This phenomenon creates an unfathomable anti-matter apple leaving you munching a nothingness too profound to comprehend. Are these apples the dark matter physicists have been in search of for decades? I wouldn’t rule it out.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Good for Kids, +1 Innovation

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
ROCKIT APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Splendor

ORIGIN

Hawkes Bay, New Zealand

YEAR

2010

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Travel Snack, Kids Snack

Juici (Juic!) Apple Review

"A Pandering Litigious Gigolo"

65
Mediocre
Juici Apple

The Juic! Apple (pronounced “Juicy” and not “Jwik!” as the spelling would imply) is a controversial, social media influencer backed, try-hard whose positive qualities are mired by an absolute shit personality. Bred in idyllic Wenatchee, Washington with powerhouse parents Honeycrisp and Braeburn, this apple is thin-skinned, long-lasting, has a great crunch, and above all is incredibly juicy (or Juic! as some spell it).

But don’t be fooled by the failed Olympics logo that brands the Juic! DeliteTM – none of the aforementioned superlatives can compensate for a blasé flavor profile that lacks any discernible character. Worst of all, this litigious gigolo sued small-town apple growers in New England for trying to rebrand their Jonagold Apple to the JuicyGold. No one in Appleandia should own the word “Juicy”. The lawsuits, the social media influencer outreach, and the name with an ! at the end all scream of corporate execs pandering to younger generations and falling on their face with an audible Jwik!

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
JUICI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Braeburn

ORIGIN

Wenatchee, Washington

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Juicing

OTHER NAMES

Juici Delite TM

McIntosh Apple Review

"A Seal-Skinned Canadian Letdown"

45
Horse Food
McIntosh Apple

The National Apple of Canada, this dense curling stone has the refreshing tart kick of an icy northern winter. Unfortunately, it comes dressed for the cold, with a caribou-skin Inuit parka snuggly protecting the interior of its grainy snow-white flesh. Beware – this tumour-swollen reindeer nose has perhaps the thickest most intractable skin of any apple this side of the Prime Meridian. In fact, in an emergency, the McIntosh apple could be hollowed out and used as a makeshift shelter appropriate for the harshest of arctic storms.

The McIntosh gets a massive branding boost by being the eponymous apple of Macintosh computers. For fans of Apple, this is an egregious misnomer, denigrating a quality product. For Apple haters, the McIntosh apple is a suitable analog for a sub-par computer that fails to impress.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
MCINTOSH APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Unknown

ORIGIN

Ontario, Canada

YEAR

Early 19th Century

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Applesauce

OTHER NAMES

McIntosh Red, Mac

SnapDragon Apple Review

"A Chomp-Worthy Newcomer"

87
Excellent
SnapDragon Apple

This chomp-worthy newcomer from Cornell University’s Apple Breeding Program is the company rival to the parallel developed Ruby Frost. But that thick-skinned ice queen is incinerated by the SnapDragon’s crisp flesh, exceptional juiciness, and expectation-surpassing “Monster Crunch.” A semi-unsightly mythical offspring of the Honeycrisp, the fantastically branded SnapDragon is endowed with its mother’s best familial qualities that have secured the reign of her wide-ranging empire for the past several decades.

However, if the Honeycrisp empire were bequeathed to the SnapDragon it would quickly fall. Despite its titanic crunch, mellow flavor notes of what some may describe as “vanilla” or “melon” are far too understated to keep the masses satiated for long. Additionally, with a tree that “lacks vigor”, this dragon has proven to be a monster of a problem for apple breeders hoping to spread their wings beyond New York State.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Branding, +1 Crispness, +1 Density, +1 Flesh

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5
SNAPDRAGON BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x

Golden Delicious x

Monroe x Melrose

ORIGIN

Cornell University, New York

YEAR

2015

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Salads

Newtown Pippin Apple Review

"Long Island's Sand-Filled Condom"

19
Vomitous Filth
Newtown Pippin Apple

This sand-filled condom from Long Island was choked down in the 1750s by the likes of Thomas Jefferson at Monticello, George Washington at Mount Vernon, and Benjamin Franklin as he declared it his favorite apple. Perhaps the Newtown Pippin was once a great apple whose quality has degraded over the centuries like the crumbling democracy the Founding Fathers established. Or perhaps, after decades of eating pigeon pie and squirrel meat, these wooden-toothed slave owners’ tastebuds are not to be trusted. Either way, in today’s world, aside from being excellent for apple cider production, the Newtown Pippin is a tasteless hunk of malformed donkey shit that should’ve been abolished during the reign of King George III.

🏅 #3 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
NEWTOWN PIPPIN BIO

PARENTAGE

Unknown

ORIGIN

Newtown, Long Island

YEAR

1750s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Apple Cider Only

OTHER NAMES

Albemarle Pippin

Cameo Apple Review

"An Unwelcome Guest"

50
Not Worth Eating
Cameo Apple

The Cameo Apple tastes like a juicy dog fart wrapped in used Whole Foods napkins. With a flavorless interior reminiscent of powdered hospital soap, this freak of nature is called a ‘Cameo’ because it was found accidentally growing in a Red Delicious orchard in Washington State and bred for public consumption (I can only assume as a punishment for America’s hubris). Even M. Night Shyamalan showing up in his own movie is a better cameo than this.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5
CAMEO APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Unknown

ORIGIN

Washington, USA

YEAR

1987

AVAILABILITY

Mid-Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Carousel

Sundowner (Cripps Red) Review

"Pink Lady's Ugly Brother"

67
Mediocre
Cripps Red Apple

The ugly brother of the Pink Lady, the Sundowner apple also known as Cripps Red, lacks the panache of its more popular sister but works with what its got to carve out an amicable reputation when not lost in the shadow of its superior sibling. Tart off the tree and sweeter as time goes on, the Sundowner fecklessly swats at a relevance it will never obtain as it attempts to discern an identity apart from “Pink Lady’s brother”. Alas, the writing is on the wall for this genetic lottery loser as it will never overcome its less-than-stellar appearance and upsettingly stupid name to be seen for the complex array of untapped potential it wishes it was.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
SUNDOWNER BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Lady Williams

ORIGIN

Western Australia

YEAR

1973

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Spring

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Cripps Red, Cripps II, Joya

Candy Crisp Apple Review

"A Pear-Cucked Red Delicious"

69
Mediocre
Candy Crisp Apple

The phenomenally named Candy Crisp Apple out of Marlboro, New York lives up to its name with an astounding crunch, uncommon juiciness, and (if ripe enough) diabetic sweetness. The only problem with this pink blushed, yellow-green, fun lump is that it tastes like a pear. Not even a great pear. An unripe, less-juicy pear that’s been foolishly stored in a refrigerator drawer fated to eternally harden next to a forgotten onion. In fact, if you cut up a Candy Crisp apple and an unripe Bartlett Pear it would make for an incredibly difficult CAPTCHA Test. Nothing against pears but, this half-blood, potentially pear-cucked Red Delicious is basically akin to false advertising.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5
CANDY CRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Unknown

ORIGIN

Marlboro, NY

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Munching

Crimson Gold Apple Review

"A Crabapple in Disguise"

31
Horse Food
Crimson Gold Apples

These little shits are glorified crabapples masquerading as edible fruit and should not be tolerated outside of cider production and pretentious baking applications. Each minuscule bite of these filthy monkey cheeks explode with an intense yet somehow dry flavor combination that will make you want to spontaneously vomit. Do not be fooled by this repackaged trash, Crimson Gold is just a misleading name slapped on a swollen testicle.

🏅 #4 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
CRIMSON GOLD BIO

PARENTAGE

Yellow Newtown x

Esopus Spitzenburg

ORIGIN

California

YEAR

1944

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Cider Production, Cooking

Pinova (Piñata) Apple Review

"A Papier Mache Fruit Husk"

50
Barely Worth Eating
Pinova (Piñata) Apple

The Pinova apple (also branded as Piñata) probably should be beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat until the sweet innards drip onto the grasses of your backyard as a feast for ants. While it does have an intense sweet and juicy taste, that some breeders claim to invoke pineapple, this tropical depression is nothing more than a thick-skinned, papier mache fruit husk filled with off-brand hard candies. Skip the party, stay home and eat a Gala.

2022 UPDATE: The fresher apples are not mealy, major upgrade on flesh but with freshness comes worse density. Taste +1, Crispness +1, Skin -1, Flesh +3, Juiciness -1, Density -2. Horse Food -> Not Worth Eating.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
PINOVA APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Cox’s Orange Pippin x

Duchess of Oldenburg x

Golden Delicious

ORIGIN

Germany

YEAR

1986

AVAILABILITY

Winter – Early Summer

BEST USES

Munching, Desserts

OTHER NAMES

Piñata, Corail, Sonata

Arkansas Black Apple Review

"A Teeth-Shattering Oddity"

23
Despicable