fuji

Golden Russet Apple Review

"A Putrid Corpse"

22
Despicable
Golden Russet Apple

This putrid, decomposing, death-fruit is a stinking corpse of an apple that would fit nicely in Wednesday Addams’ lunch box. One of the most foul, horrific looking apples that can be found in America, the Golden Russet is contaminated by the rusted sandpaper skin its namesake implies. But astonishingly, this apple’s zombie-like appearance is not its most striking quality. For this repugnant witch’s curse emits a rancid odor that will make you question whether or not you are eating old fish. Storing well through the winter, its flesh is dense, tough, and chewy like an embalmed cadaver (which quickly devolves into mush like a regular cadaver). That being said, it actually tastes better than it looks – which is not saying much. The Golden Russet is only appropriate for cider production and otherwise should be avoided like the plague.

🏅 #2 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
GOLDEN RUSSET BIO

PARENTAGE

English Golden Russet

ORIGIN

New York State

YEAR

1800s

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Cider Production

OTHER NAMES

Bullock’s Pippin, Sheep-nose,

American Golden Russet,

Fox Apple, Long Tom

MiApple Apple Review

"The Narc of Apples"

39
Horse Food

This bizarrely packaged mini-apple is what an alien would put in your cell at a human zoo if it was trying to feed you “authentic Earth-food”. I’m not sure an apple can qualify as a “narc” but, it certainly feels like this perfectly manicured, corporate shill is trying way too hard to prove it is, in fact, an apple. Sold in either a box that could just as easily contain a DVD player, or a hermetically-sealed bag adorned with stock photos of athletic white folks, the MiApple (which I can only guess is pronounced My-Apple, and not the pirate-esque Me-Apple) attempts to attract customers with pithy, bleached, robot-speak slogans that include the word “mi” instead of “my“. Do the phrases “mi body fuel” and “mi energy boost” do anything for you? Of course not.

That being said, like a soul-crushing job that pays just enough to stomach, this colossal misfire of a marketing ploy could be overlooked if the apple tasted decent. But, alas, what we have here is a mealy, juiceless, thick-skinned, replica of an apple that will have no place in MiHouse.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
MIAPPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Fuji

ORIGIN

Australia

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Late Summer – Early Fall

BEST USES

Decoration

Kiku Apple Review

"A Fuji In Disguise"

42
Horse Food
Kiku Apple

Buyer beware! This exclusive Italian club apple is nothing more than a Fuji off-shoot rebranded as an undiscovered Pokemon. Known as a “sport” apple, the Kiku is a variant of its Fuji parent found growing on the same tree – only slightly redder and larger. But, make no mistake, this is not the evolutionary Blastoise to the Fuji’s Squirtle. In fact, a Kiku is nearly indistinguishable from a Fuji aside from its increased cost, decreased availability, and being named after a Japanese anime girl’s sneeze.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
KIKU APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Fuji Sport

ORIGIN

Japan / Italy

YEAR

2010

AVAILABILITY

Late Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Applesauce

OTHER NAMES

Fuji

Koru (Plumac) Apple Review

"The Middle of the Pack"

55
Barely Worth It
Koru (Plumac) Apple

The Koru Apple (brand name of the Plumac Apple) is the definition of middling. Peacefully existing at the precise midpoint of the apple-quality spectrum, this New Zealand born chance seedling is the superior apple’s ambassador to shit. Discovered in a grower’s rose garden in the exact spot where his mother-in-law tossed a batch of rotten apples, the Koru’s origin is symbolic of its quality: one part rose, one part rotted trash. In an ironic twist, the slogan of the Koru is “Escape Ordinary” which should be read less like a superlative and more like this passable fruit’s aspirational desire.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
KORU APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Braeburn x Fuji

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2013

AVAILABILITY

Late Spring – Summer

BEST USES

Baking, Salads, Sparkling Juice

OTHER NAMES

Plumac

EverCrisp Apple Review

"The Jawbreaker"

70
Pretty Good
EverCrisp Apple

The EverCrisp Apple is a sickeningly sweet colossus of impenetrable construction that will delight the most saccharine taste buds of children everywhere. Truly, the Jawbreaker of apples, this nectarous midwestern rock candy will shatter the sweet tooth of all those who dare engage in its consumption. A cross between a Honeycrisp and Fuji, the EverCrisp takes the strengths of both apples to the extreme, birthing a single syrupy flavor note bursting out of each supremely juicy, satisfyingly crisp bite. A disappointment for fans of tang, tart, or any flavor complexity whatsoever, the EverCrisp is a must-try for all those looking for their next sugary fix.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4.5/5

Red Apple Icon
4.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
EVERCRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp x Fuji

ORIGIN

Indiana / Ohio

YEAR

2017

AVAILABILITY

Early Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Baking

OTHER NAMES

MAIA-1

Sweetie Apple Review

"A Watery Grave"

51
Not Worth Eating
Sweetie Apples

This oblong, Salvador Dali-esque, warp-fruit generously tilts its way off your table in what can only be described as a philanthropic suicide attempt. Its obvious cry for help is understandable as no apple could continually bare to live with crunch after crunch of disappointment as an initial juicy flavor burst full of potential quickly dissipates into a very watery grave. Failing to live up to its sugary namesake, failing to live up to its Braeburn x Royal Gala heritage, failing to live up to even its initial bite, the Sweetie would be better served if it were much worse – at least then it would be worth discussing.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
SWEETIE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Royal Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Early Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

Cameo Apple Review

"An Unwelcome Guest"

50
Not Worth Eating
Cameo Apple

The Cameo Apple tastes like a juicy dog fart wrapped in used Whole Foods napkins. With a flavorless interior reminiscent of powdered hospital soap, this freak of nature is called a ‘Cameo’ because it was found accidentally growing in a Red Delicious orchard in Washington State and bred for public consumption (I can only assume as a punishment for America’s hubris). Even M. Night Shyamalan showing up in his own movie is a better cameo than this.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5
CAMEO APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Unknown

ORIGIN

Washington, USA

YEAR

1987

AVAILABILITY

Mid-Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Munching

OTHER NAMES

Carousel

Pinova (Piñata) Apple Review

"A Papier Mache Fruit Husk"

50
Barely Worth Eating
Pinova (Piñata) Apple

The Pinova apple (also branded as Piñata) probably should be beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat until the sweet innards drip onto the grasses of your backyard as a feast for ants. While it does have an intense sweet and juicy taste, that some breeders claim to invoke pineapple, this tropical depression is nothing more than a thick-skinned, papier mache fruit husk filled with off-brand hard candies. Skip the party, stay home and eat a Gala.

2022 UPDATE: The fresher apples are not mealy, major upgrade on flesh but with freshness comes worse density. Taste +1, Crispness +1, Skin -1, Flesh +3, Juiciness -1, Density -2. Horse Food -> Not Worth Eating.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
PINOVA APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Cox’s Orange Pippin x

Duchess of Oldenburg x

Golden Delicious

ORIGIN

Germany

YEAR

1986

AVAILABILITY

Winter – Early Summer

BEST USES

Munching, Desserts

OTHER NAMES

Piñata, Corail, Sonata

Fuji Apple Review

"The Japanese Pop Star"

56
Barely Worth It
Fuji Apple

Yet another demon spawn of the Red Delicious (crossed with a Ralls Janet) this gravelly choking hazard named after Fujisaki City, Japan is a J-Pop Star of an apple fit with a ravenous fanbase that many Americans will find difficult to understand. Personally, it is beyond comprehension how this super-hard medieval weapon masquerading as a fruit could become the most popular apple in Japan (and a top 5 apple worldwide). Aside from a semi-sweet initial bite, this mushy, rough-skinned, experiment gone awry is a baffling oddity with a sword-like stem so sharp it will – quite literally –  stab other apples in transit. Despite this, the Fuji fandom is real, uncompromising, and dedicated. A Fuji is not for everyone but, if it’s for you, it just may be your favorite apple. 

UPDATE 2023: Still truly baffled how many feel this is their favorite apple. However, I have not had the chance to try a Fuji straight from Japan where I hear they may be better. That being said, I have had better Fujis in my re-testing. +3 Taste, -1 Juiciness, +2 Cost/Availability. TOTAL SCORE: 48 -> 56 (Horse Food -> Barely Worth It).

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
0/5

INTENSITY

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5
FUJI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Ralls Janet

ORIGIN

Japan

YEAR

1962

AVAILABILITY

Early Winter – Spring

BEST USES

Munching