golden

Golden Delicious Apple Review

"The West Virginia Has-Been"

33
Horse Food
Golden Delicious Apple

The official state fruit of West Virginia, this green-yellow beauty saw its heyday in the Progressive Era when marketed by the Stark Bros as a companion apple to the, then blockbuster smash hit, Red Delicious. One hundred years later, with our collective distaste for the Red Delicious fully realized, this ill-fated adopted brother may as well be called the “Golden Bin Laden.” Fortunately, for consumers who have rightfully shied away from this fading memory of an apple, the mushy, bland, juiceless, Golden Delicious doesn’t bring much to the table aside from fathering better apples and having a nice looking exterior fit for a 2013 U.S. Postal Stamp.

🏅 #8 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 1/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0.5/5

INTENSITY

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0.5/5
GOLDEN DELICIOUS BIO

PARENTAGE

Grimes Golden x Golden Reinette

ORIGIN

West Virginia

YEAR

1905

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Apple Sauce, Apple Butter, Cider

OTHER NAMES

Mullin’s Yellow Seedling, 

Annit Apple, Yellow Delicious

Eat These Apples Instead
This Apple Is Better Than
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GoldRush Apple Review

"A Goldmine of Flavor"

76
Very Good
GoldRush Apple

🏅 #1 RANKED CIDER APPLE  | 🏅 #2 RANKED YELLOW APPLE

This pockmarked goiter on a prospector’s neck proves that looks aren’t everything as digging in to this juicy nugget provides a goldmine of spritely flavors ranging from tart to sweet. Searching for gold does not come without hardship however, as the GoldRush Apple has a thicker than desired skin that would require a sturdy pick-axe in the off-season. Thankfully, the lands out west (or confusingly Indiana in this case) graced the GoldRush Apple with a long growing season and an eye-popping shelf-life of seven full months. This is why any experienced mountaineer can tell you that stocking up on these precious apples to get through the harsh winter is a plan as good as gold.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Cider Apple, +2 Longevity

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3/5

TARTNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3.5/5
GOLDRUSH BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Winesap / 

Melrose / Rome / Beauty

ORIGIN

Purdue University

YEAR

1993

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Munching, Dessert, Hard Cider

OTHER NAMES

Co-op38

Eat These Apples Instead
GoldRush Are Better Than
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Candy Crisp Apple Review

"A Pear-Cucked Red Delicious"

69
Mediocre
Candy Crisp Apple

The phenomenally named Candy Crisp Apple out of Marlboro, New York lives up to its name with an astounding crunch, uncommon juiciness, and (if ripe enough) diabetic sweetness. The only problem with this pink blushed, yellow-green, fun lump is that it tastes like a pear. Not even a great pear. An unripe, less-juicy pear that’s been foolishly stored in a refrigerator drawer fated to eternally harden next to a forgotten onion. In fact, if you cut up a Candy Crisp apple and an unripe Bartlett Pear it would make for an incredibly difficult CAPTCHA Test. Nothing against pears but, this half-blood, potentially pear-cucked Red Delicious is basically akin to false advertising.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3.5/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5

INTENSITY

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2.5/5
CANDY CRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x Unknown

ORIGIN

Marlboro, NY

YEAR

2005

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall

BEST USES

Munching

Eat These Apples Instead
Candy Crisp Are Better Than
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Opal Apple Review

"A Tasty Unwiped Anus"

82
Excellent
Opal Apple

🏅 #1 RANKED YELLOW APPLE

The Opal apple looks like it shit itself. I apologize for being uncouth but there is no more apt observation. Just look at the top of it. The Opal apple looks like a jaundiced, freckled, unwiped anus. In fact, this may be the ugliest apple of the modern era. That being said, if you’re going to be an ass, you might as well be a good ass. And like a good ass, the Opal apple is exceptionally sweet and juicy. In fact, the complex flavor profile featuring hints of banana, coconut, and pear make this Czech-born, oddly-named monstrosity a delight to consume. And while the outside may be stained with a toddler’s accident, in an ironic twist, the interior of the apple does not brown for quite some time. So I say, if you’re looking to spice up your life with something a little different, close your eyes and eat ass. Who am I to judge?

BONUS POINTS: +2 Taste

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 2/5

TARTNESS

0/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 0/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
★★★★★ 3.5/5
OPAL APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Topaz

ORIGIN

Czech Republic

YEAR

2010

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Early Summer

BEST USES

Salads, Munching

Similar to Opal
Opal Apples Are Better Than
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