mcintosh

Macoun Apple Review

"The One-Night Stand"

63
Barely Worth It
Macoun Apple

The Macoun Apple (pronounced “Mc-cow-an” after Canadian horticulturist W.T. McCown – not “Mc-Coon”, which is basically a racial slur wrapped in a Happy Meal) is a fragile, purplish himbo that will blow you away for one magical night of ecstasy before dissipating into a slush-ball of regret the moment the sun comes up.

Developed in 1920s Upstate New York, this gaslighting flirt deceptively charms the unsuspecting and lonesome with its ultra-thin skin, complex berry-like flavor and solid crunch present when picked at peak freshness directly from a tree. But like a booty call that decides to stay for breakfast, any flicker of a notion at a long-term relationship is quickly dashed as this actually quite disgusting dirtbag turns into a mealy, tasteless flesh-sack within days of being brought home. And after two weeks…you are dealing with nothing but a repulsive bag of ass rooting around your fridge as you get ready for work.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

0.5/5

Red Apple Icon
0.5/5

INTENSITY

1.5/5

Red Apple Icon
1.5/5
MACOUN APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

McIntosh x Jersey Black

ORIGIN

Geneva, NY

YEAR

1923

AVAILABILITY

Two Weeks In Fall

BEST USES

Munching, Pies

Empire Apple Review

"A Spunky Optimist"

65
Mediocre
Empire Apple

Coming from humble beginnings, the Empire Apple manages to break free from its backwoods Red Delicious and McIntosh upbringing to strike out on its own in the unforgiving and inconsistent apple behemoth that is New York State (The Empire State). With a fascinating flavor profile some describe as “melon”, “pineapple”, or *gag* “elderflower” (if you are a pretentious liar who claims to know what elderflower tastes like), this well-balanced juicy optimist has just enough gumption and spunk to survive in a dog-eat-dog, apple-eat-apple world.

Unfortunately – like a down-home twang you just can’t seem to shake – no apple can fully escape its roots, as piercing barbed-wire skin and slightly mealy flesh serve as shadows of the Empire’s shameful past. It’s true, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere – and while the Empire has survived in New York, it’ll be up to future generations to spawn a kingdom that outgrows the region.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
EMPIRE APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Red Delicious x McIntosh

ORIGIN

Cornell University

YEAR

1945

AVAILABILITY

Fall – Early Winter

BEST USES

Munching, Sauce

OTHER NAMES

Royal Empire, Crown Empire,

Teeple Red Empire

Cortland Apple Review

"A Damp Hacky Sack"

52
Barely Worth It
Cortland Apple

🏅 #8 RANKED SOUR APPLE |🏅 #9 RANKED CIDER APPLE

Aside from the striking white flesh and splash of tartness, there’s not much good that can be said about the damp hacky sack left outside a frat house all winter known as the Cortland Apple. Discovered in 1898, in the remarkably not Cortland city of Geneva, NY this flattened McIntosh sandbag of shit continues the age-old tradition of dragging the apple reputation of New York State into the sewer. A cold weather apple that can’t stay fresh for very long, the not-Geneva Apple loses its fledgling tartness, paltry sweetness, and illusory crispness too quickly to provide average consumers the opportunity to avoid eating slimy white dirt. And yet, the Cortland remains one of New York’s top produced apples, an enigma that further denigrates the shameful pedigree of The Big Crapple.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Cider Apple

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

TARTNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

INTENSITY

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5
CORTLAND APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

McIntosh x Ben David

ORIGIN

Geneva, NY

YEAR

1898

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Spring

BEST USES

Sour Apple, Cooking, Cider

OTHER NAMES

LaMont, Starkspur, Redcort,

Early Geneva