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Unworthy of the exclamation point that follows this failed magician’s catchphrase of an apple, the Zestar! delivers an underwhelming performance featuring an array of disillusioning tricks that would make a lowly pear seem magical. Be amazed as its leathery skin sloughs off like a sheet covering a tacky stage prop. Let your imagination run wild as its ill-constructed flesh turns to brown mush before your eyes! Sit back in awe as a snappy torrent of juiciness is accompanied by a flavor that disappears in an instant! Did the heretofore promised hint of brown sugar even exist? Who cares? It’s gone now. And all sales are final! But despite conjuring a litany of disappointment, the Zestar! preserved enough redeemable qualities to pull at least one impressive trick out of its sleeve: It sired the otherworldly SweeTango Apple – an astounding feat that justifies a life of sub-optimal wizardry.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Lineage