seattle

Originally released in 2011 as WA-2 by Washington State University, this pink-orange pre-cursor to the Cosmic Crisp was destined to inhabit fruit stands as a nameless orphan. That is, until the Apple King of Yakima, WA welcomed this unwanted ragamuffin into its kingdom, endowing it with the moniker: “Crimson Delight.” Five years later, just as this discarded underdog’s new identity took root, WSU emerged from the woodwork like a deadbeat dad looking to cash in on a child’s football scholarship by claiming “WA-2” is actually called the “Sunrise Magic” – and it belonged to them. A masterclass in bungled marketing, the Sunrise Magic / Crimson Delight now finds itself with two names, two fathers, and zero hope.

Not that either name would make a difference. (Sunrise Magic sounds like a poorly conceived brunch cocktail and Crimson Delight sounds like a back-alley sex act.) But more importantly, the fight for custody of this apple is probably not worth the effort in the first place. Its incredible juiciness tastes like water from a public water fountain. Its crispness is undercut by somewhat mealy flesh. Its finicky temperament requires two weeks of room temperature storage to “awaken the flavor.” In other words, regardless of who wins custody, this apple will likely find its way back into foster care where it will languish in obscurity.