red apples

The Macoun Apple (pronounced “Mc-cow-an” after Canadian horticulturist W.T. McCown – not “Mc-Coon”, which is basically a racial slur wrapped in a Happy Meal) is a fragile, purplish himbo that will blow you away for one magical night of ecstasy before dissipating into a slush-ball of regret the moment the sun comes up.

Developed in 1920s Upstate New York, this gaslighting flirt deceptively charms the unsuspecting and lonesome with its ultra-thin skin, complex berry-like flavor and solid crunch present when picked at peak freshness directly from a tree. But like a booty call that decides to stay for breakfast, any flicker of a notion at a long-term relationship is quickly dashed as this actually quite disgusting dirtbag turns into a mealy, tasteless flesh-sack within days of being brought home. And after two weeks…you are dealing with nothing but a repulsive bag of ass rooting around your fridge as you get ready for work.