rave

The snappy new Rave Apple (or “First Kiss” Apple if you prefer your fruit names to contain a touch of pre-pubescent sexualization) is a discount brand Honeycrisp. Buying one of these slightly lumpy, slightly off-colored, slightly dull, outlet store apples is like buying a Coby television – sure it plays your favorite shows but something about it is just…off. In fact, at first bite, the spritely snap, wonderfully thin skin, and incredible juiciness of this apple might convince less discerning chewers that their thrifty ways have finally elevated them into the echelon of their highfalutin neighbor, Steve, with his fancy Honeycrisp Apples and LG OLED 65” television set. Ah but, the Cinderella story quickly dissipates as the flavor in your mouth melts away faster than the vibrant colors on your shit-box of a TV.

If all Honeycrisp Apples were to disappear from the Earth in some kind of fruit rapture, I would recommend the Rave Apple as a serviceable replacement. However, until the Second Coming, it is best to shell out the extra one dollar per pound and avoid this slightly less sweet, slightly less tart, slightly less pretty budget apple.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Crispness, +1 Density, +1 Skin