belgium

Jonagold Apple Review

"A Forgettable College Friend"

57
Barely Worth It
Jonagold Apple

This bi-colored New York bred forget-me-fruit will vanish from your memory bank like the Ivy League School at which it was developed (Cornell University). A middling sweet-tart taste and ordinary crunch is double majored with granular apple meat and electrical tape skin. The Jonagold is a C-student which took advantage of its privileged upbringing by frequently studying abroad, particularly in Belgium where it accounts for nearly 70 percent of that nation’s apple production. But, make no mistake, no amount of international travel can make this blockable Facebook friend interesting enough to invite to your next dinner party.

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

2/5

Red Apple Icon
2/5
JONAGOLD APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Golden Delicious x Jonathan

ORIGIN

Cornell University, New York

YEAR

1953

AVAILABILITY

Fall

BEST USES

Desserts, Apple Cider

OTHER NAMES

Jonared, Decosta, Primo,

Rubinstar, Red Jonaprince

Kanzi Apple Review

"The European Party Apple"

93
Superb
Kanzi Apple

🏅 #1 RANKED SOUR APPLE

Keep this apple away from your children. For one bite of this dangerously tart, Sour Warhead-esque European party apple can send even the most hardened chewers down a wormhole of indescribable intensity rendering normal life a feckless charade lacking all discernible stimuli.

The provocative slogan of this fruit-like opioid is “Seduce Life” – a despicable and totally inappropriate combination of words for any occasion, much less a fruit’s mantra. But perhaps the Belgian sociopaths who cooked up this irresistible scourge on humanity uttered these words as a warning. Heed them or become one of the delirious hordes of cocksure maniacs who dared enter the realm of psychedelic ecstasy that is the Kanzi. Once you do, you may never be able to break free from the siren’s embrace.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Taste

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

5/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5

INTENSITY

100/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5
KANZI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

Belgium

YEAR

2004

AVAILABILITY

Late Winter – Early Spring

BEST USES

Party Night, Sour Apple

OTHER NAMES

Nicoter