kanzi

Ludacrisp Apple Review

"The Dirty South Rapple"

75
Very Good
Ludacrisp Apple

Intentional or not, this hefty behemoth of an apple is named after Dirty South rapper Ludacris of “Move B***** Get Out Da Way” fame. The word ludicrous is spelled with an “I”. The rapper Ludacris is spelled with an “A”. And so, naming an apple Ludacrisp (with an “A”) is an obvious homage to the early-2000s undisputed king of southern hospitality. Yet, in a baffling omission, the Midwest Apple Improvement Association seems to purposely ignore this blatant connection:

“The name Ludacrisp® is a play on the word “ludicrous,” meaning something that is absurd, joking, nonsensical, and playful. The apple’s name was created to make people smile.”

And so, just like the Spotify playlists of the midwest farmers who named it, Ludacris is nowhere to be found. Admittedly, it would be difficult to sell a supermarket on a dirty south rapple with a sign that says “Move Pears Get Out Da Way.” Perhaps it’s best the connection remain unspoken, and those who know, just know?

To be fair, the discoverer of this apple wished to call it the “Juicy Fruit” – because it tastes like the shitty gum. Which is not only a stupid name – it is also a trademarked name and therefore, impossible. However, Juicy Fruit may be a more appropriate label than Ludacrisp since while this apple is only moderately crispy, it is, in fact, ludicrously juicy. As juicy as a ho’s ass – as Luda might say. On the flip side, like Luda’s raunchy lyrics, this apple packs a powerful flavor-punch that will remain incredibly divisive.

And so, despite the confusion surrounding the name, the Ludacrisp is a must-try apple. After one ho-smacking bite, you’ll either be calling the FCC to have it banned, or telling the other apples in your fridge to get out da way.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Juiciness

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5

TARTNESS

1/5

Red Apple Icon
1/5

INTENSITY

4/5

Red Apple Icon
4/5
LUDACRISP BIO

PARENTAGE

Honeycrisp

ORIGIN

Pataskala, Ohio

YEAR

2019

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Cider, Muching, Salads

OTHER NAMES

Juicy Fruit, MAIA-L

Braeburn Apple Review

"The Civil Rights Apple"

73
Pretty Good
Braeburn Apple

🏅 #4 RANKED SOUR APPLE

Back in the 1950s, in a time when single-colored apples ruled the day (see Red Delicious vs. Golden Delicious), the upstart New Zealand Braeburn shocked the world with a blasphemous skin boasting two colors at once: red and green. Despite the protestations of backwards apple purists desperately clinging to the bygone days of single-color apples, the Braeburn’s complex and stupendous flavor was undeniable; this multi-toned interloper was here to stay. And stay it did, becoming one of the most popular apples worldwide for the next seven decades.

Why can’t I find Braeburn Apples anymore?

In today’s fast-paced apple world this sweet-tart, spicy maverick may at long last be obsolete. Lacking the consistency of modern apples, and suffering from difficulties like Braeburn Browning Disorder due to higher internal carbon dioxide concentrations, enterprising breeders began looking for Braeburn descendants that could replace its parent (and be trademarked for profit of course). And so, the ungrateful children of the Braeburn: Envy, Jazz, Sweetie, and Kanzi are sweeping this trailblazing old-timer into oblivion, leaving no room on the grocery store shelf for the apple to whom they owe so much.

BONUS POINTS: +2 Historical Significance

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

2.5/5

Red Apple Icon
2.5/5

TARTNESS

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5

INTENSITY

3.5/5

Red Apple Icon
3.5/5
BRAEBURN BIO

PARENTAGE

Lady Hamilton x Granny Smith

ORIGIN

New Zealand

YEAR

1952

AVAILABILITY

Late Fall – Winter

BEST USES

Pies, Munching, Sour Apple

Kanzi Apple Review

"The European Party Apple"

93
Superb
Kanzi Apple

🏅 #1 RANKED SOUR APPLE

Keep this apple away from your children. For one bite of this dangerously tart, Sour Warhead-esque European party apple can send even the most hardened chewers down a wormhole of indescribable intensity rendering normal life a feckless charade lacking all discernible stimuli.

The provocative slogan of this fruit-like opioid is “Seduce Life” – a despicable and totally inappropriate combination of words for any occasion, much less a fruit’s mantra. But perhaps the Belgian sociopaths who cooked up this irresistible scourge on humanity uttered these words as a warning. Heed them or become one of the delirious hordes of cocksure maniacs who dared enter the realm of psychedelic ecstasy that is the Kanzi. Once you do, you may never be able to break free from the siren’s embrace.

BONUS POINTS: +3 Taste

Taste
Crispness
Skin
Flesh
Juiciness
Density
Beauty
Branding / Consistency
Cost/Availability

- FLAVOR PROFILE -

SWEETNESS

3/5

Red Apple Icon
3/5

TARTNESS

5/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5

INTENSITY

100/5

Red Apple Icon
5/5
KANZI APPLE BIO

PARENTAGE

Gala x Braeburn

ORIGIN

Belgium

YEAR

2004

AVAILABILITY

Late Winter – Early Spring

BEST USES

Party Night, Sour Apple

OTHER NAMES

Nicoter